I remember making the snow igloos at recess during those Michigan freezes. I would strap on my snowpants, which I did not like, and after we came in from recess, they would be hanging on the hook in line with everyone else’s. The drip-drip of the snow melting off of them keeping rhythm.
Today reminded me of those days. I went outside and had the cold breeze sweep over me, as snowflakes landed in my hair. When the cold wind hits your face, and you feel that rush of energy– one of the small joys of winter. I saw the fluffy fluries that were falling. Of course, fluffy snow was no good for snow forts. It needed to be that snow that can compact and stick.
Later, I was taping boxes together at the post office and watching the snow globe outside. I spotted my loud neighbor walking past. He was wandering around with his long Matrix coat and alien sunglasses– his coat flowing open into the wind revealing his crop top sweater (because that will keep him warm). He looked like he thought he was in a hair commercial– but he is bald. I rolled my eyes and kept taping.
The year, so far, has been busy and productive. More emails than snow have fallen. People are slipping on ice and deadlines.
Distress. People are in distress, and apparently distressed furniture and fixtures are making a comeback, according to Country Living. I still don’t understand where the line is for cute-distressed versus ugly-throw-it-out distressed. What is a rustic door versus a door you should throw out and axe? And speaking of the differences in distress– am I cute-distressed? Are we IT girl wearing AloYoga or Ben Affleck? Probably, Ben Affleck.
To think I had a crush on this man in 2001, and now, he is a meme.
And because I am not distressed enough, I went down this whole rabbit hole the other day regarding the fourteenth amendment and treason (section three). Many folks are talking about it in regards to our former president (Mr. 45), and I don’t think it applies here under the circumstances, but you know, everyone is a temperamental child, these days. We must find a way to get what we want. (Why, America?) I will say though, that section 3 applies to folks in office, holding “any office” (and this includes civil).
The language got me thinking– there are many professions where you take an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States. Mine is one of them. It got me thinking of so many people holding office (including judicial office) who are a disgrace and truly undermine our constitution, and I don’t mean it is subject to interpretation, but they literally belong to groups that say they want to destroy this country and everything it stands for. They don’t even try to hide it. People are quite bold in their stupidity, these days. It makes me wonder where the accountability is and why these people are permitted to stay in office and do the harm they do. It got me thinking… I am always thinking.
The snow continues to fall with the sun, as I continue to debate what qualifies as ‘cute-distressed’ and my neighbor, who thinks he is Elle Macpherson and has invisible hair flowing in the wind, is back. Stillness fills the air as I wrap myself in my blanket and create my own igloo.
December was filled with walks to see the lights, revisiting old places, tree lightings and thoughtful gifts. There was Christmas cheer and magic in the air in Midtown Manhattan.
These days, I have been planning and reading. My planner is jam-packed with little lists and scribbles. I am determined to make it to 67 books total for the year. I got back into the groove with working out and found programs that don’t bore me. (Thank you T-F Studio and Join Reset). My 31-day pilates challenge is coming to an end, and fun continues in January. I feel stronger than I have in a long time, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.
One of my new pilates instructors.
That’s the thing about December– it isn’t just another month– it’s the end of a year cycle. And sometimes, it is a year that really changes you and changes things.
2023 was a year of loss, grief, healing, releasing fears, and learning that: if others get grace, you should, too; you get to decide who you will be and what thoughts you will think and what strength will look like to you.
2024 holds promise of dreams, family, unity, new experiences, travel. There is a lot in store.
As I reflect, I think of that Ed Mylett quote: “You will never know how much pain, hurt and anger it took to become this calm.”
I raise my glass to the ones who are no longer here and are missed– you are never forgotten (para los que no estan); to the ones still here who lean in when the world is on fire– your presence is everything (para los que se quedan y apoyan siempre); to the coaches who challenge us to become who God created us to be– your wisdom has transformed me (para los que nos guian); to God’s provision and restoration, always (siempre fiel). He makes all things new.
Raising a glass to 2024. I’ll see you there.
Quotes
Here are many quotes that meant something to me as I read through the month:
“Consider how precious a soul must be when both God and the devil are after it.” Charles Spurgeon
“A huge measure of integrity are the promises you make and keep. Levels of humility usually match levels of integrity.” Erwin Raphael McManus
“One of the best ways to achieve justice is to expose injustice.” Julian Assange
“Into this world, this demented inn, in which there is absolutely no room for Him at all, Christ has come uninvited.” Thomas Merton
“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.” C.S. Lewis
“Great men are those who see that thoughts rule the world.” Emerson
“The highest form of love is consideration. If someone thinks about how things would make you feel. Pays attention to detail. Holds you in regard when making decisions that could affect you. In any bond, how much they care about you can be found in how much they consider you.” @safespacemo
“We were never called to superficial happiness– we are called to adventure.” Dr. Edie Wadsworth
“Be grateful for any breakdowns this year. It’s setting you up for a massive breakthrough. Your mission is getting clear.” Lewis Howes
“Negative thoughts actually change the brain for the worse, yet concentrating on thankfulness literally makes you grateful for your brain.” Dr. Daniel Amen
“Someone asked me, ‘What is your weakness?’ ‘I’m sensitive. Smallest things hurt me.’ ‘What’s your strength?’ ‘Little things make me happy, too.'” Unknown
“Sometimes the best things begin from endings that were bad.” Lori Harder
“Repressing your pain is rarely the most painful form of self abandoment. Repressing your light is. Shutting down your heart and your joy is.” Xavier Dagba
“Hope is not soft. Hope is not shallow toxic positivity. Hope is strong. Hope is stretching. Hope is a war cry, painful prayer, a courageous choice.” Lynette Allcock Yoon
“Just when everything is bearing down on us to such an extent that we can scarcely withstand it, the Christmas message comes to tell us that all our ideas are wrong, and that what we take to be evil and dark is really good and light because it comes from God. Our eyes are at fault, that is all. God is in the manger, wealth in poverty, light in darkness, succor in abandoment. No evil can befall us; whatever men may do to us, they cannot but serve the God who is secretly revealed as love and rules the world and our lives.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“Every story has conflict. Don’t forget that the hard parts are just chapters. Keep going.” Unknown
“Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or honored.” Marcus Aurelius
“Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s the absence of self.” Erwin Raphael McManus
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself.” Fydor Dostoevsky
“The real Christmas gift, for which Advent is the process, is learning to hum hope, learning to dance the divine.” Joan Chittister
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.” Albert Einstein
“You know you are doing something important when it feels like it is all falling apart.” Dr. Edie Wadsworth
“The measure of your life is the amount of beauty of which you are aware.” Agnes Martin
“Jesus comes in the form of the beggar, of the dissolute human child in ragged clothes, asking for help. He confronts you in every person you meet. As long as there are people, Christ will walk the earth as your neighbor, as the one through whom God calls you.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“Joy is a rebellious act of defiance against the pain and the darkness of this world. Joy can pierce through any pain and shine the light of hope into any darkness because true joy is rooted in a deep trust that God is with us and that all that He promised will come true.” Jennifer Tucker
“Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God.”Janet Erskine Stuart
“When you can’t understand the extravangance of love, you’ve missed the whole point.” Erwin R. McManus
“Bison are the only animal that turn into a snowstorm rather than away from it because they instinctively know that walking into the storm will get them out of the weather quicker. There may be a life lesson for humans in this.” Jeremy Wayne Tate
“I wondered whether part of my reticence to let this book go was because of the version of me it had brought to the surface. Perhaps I was afraid she might get trapped in the pages of the book when I let it go. This is it.” Beth Kempton
“The purely righteous do not complain of the dark, but increase the light; they do not complain of evil, but increase justice; they do not complain of heresy, but increase faith, they do not complain of ignorance, but increase knowledge.” Abraham Isaac Kook
“When we raise our hopes and lower our expectations, we establish a resilient way forward.” Seth Godin
“Every American should be troubled by the Colorado Supreme Court’s decision to remove President Trump from the ballot. The court has deprived him of a consequential right without having been convicted of a crime. This was done without an evidentiary hearing in which he is given the basic right of confronting his accusers. When any candidate is deprived of his right to run, the American people are deprived of their right to choose.” Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“In life you must be a warrior, and war requires realism. While others may find beauty in endless dreams, warriors find it in reality, in awareness of limits, in making the most of what they have.” Robert Greene
“We forgive people not because they deserve forgiveness but because we deserve peace.” Ed Mylett
“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” Bob Marley
“We endure the hard now by trusting there is something else up ahead. Even if it’s only a line.” Sarah Dessen
“At some point in life the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need a photograph, paint or even remember it. It is enough.” Toni Morrison
“Courage is a love affair with the unknown.” Travelers, Poets and Friends
“You love differently when you know God.” Malanda
“Anger is a killing thing; it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before– it takes something from him.” Louis L’Amour
“This is who the cancel culture crowd is. They are people who don’t know God, and as a result, they are filled with chaos, confusion and anger. I’m not mad at them any more than Jesus was when he prayed for their forgiveness (even though they hadn’t asked for it).” Phil Robertson
First Star I See Tonight. I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have the Wish I Wish Tonight.
“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? Because I could really use a wish right now.” B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams, “Airplanes”
Yesterday, I saw bright specs hovering close to the bridge. Like seven of them, at least. I didn’t know what they were, but was intrigued by their brightness. They looked like a set of Christmas stars guiding the way. (I will enter wise man mode). Were they helicopters? Drones? But drones are illegal in NYC… I remember this from my iHeartRadio contract days… Don’t ask me how they got some of those shots.
I then realized they were not helicopters, but instead, they were silent. Today, I saw more. After a closer look in a moving car (spidey vision), looks like they are drones. If we make a wish on them, does that count? This better be the NYPD anti-terrorism unit. If it’s Chinese surveillance, that will be another balloon repeat. Also, do people look up? Have they noticed? I haven’t heard anyone talking about this.
I looked on Citizen App. There was nothing aside from the lost parakeet, which reminds me… did they find him? I will check…
Train Theater
“I don’t want to eat my lunch,” he yelped as he wiggled his way into the seat next to me on the train. I was typing an email balancing my thermos with one hand and slightly annoyed, tried to shift my weight away from him. Then, I recognized him. I had seen this man on the train before. He is the one man show. He often stands in corners and talks to himself while thugs threaten to beat him up if he doesn’t stop, but this time, I was a captive audience.
He suddenly shifted his voice into a higher pitch and sounding like a wicked stepmother from a Disney movie (why is it always the stepmother?) he replied to himself, “You have to eat it!!” He screeched like he was Bette Midler or something. “No!” he said forcefully.
I was going to turn to him to tell him he didn’t need to eat this invisible lunch he kept referencing, but then, decided not to get involved. What if he decided to fight with me as himself and his mom? How does one mediate that? Also, my pepper spray was lost at the bottom of my bag. Not the best moment for bravado. I am not a thug. I did want to comfort him, though.
Then, I proceeded to get lost in my thoughts. Why was there so much trauma around lunch? He wasn’t overweight or skinny. I wondered how many times his mother said the actual words he used while impersonating her. It made me wonder how weighty our words are in people’s lives and how they may end up replaying them for themselves until the end of time– or performing them on a train. Choose those words wisely.
He looked so normal– but clearly wasn’t. But then again, what is normal?
Abnormal
At some point this week, it dawned on me how desperately I have wanted people to see me as “normal” (whatever the hell that means) and as tough, in the past. I think that was always in the back of my mind, while growing up. I didn’t want to stand out, but then, I did, you know?
I think of all the hours I spent trying to cover my acne, stop the frizz and curling my hair for Christmas concerts at what was an all white school. I think the goal was to be cute like that girl from Love Actually. I was not. I was glittery though.
But then, you grow up, look around and decide that if this is normal and mainstream… if these are the books that grab people’s attention and the music people love– forget it. Who am I fooling?
I always loved weird and random stuff as a kid. Still do. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I could say with pride, I am not normal, and I don’t want to be. I am sensitive, serious and quirky, and you know what, THANK GOD.
I don’t think I beat the train guy on the abnormal meter, but I sat there next to him and didn’t argue with him or his “mom”. So that has to count for something, right?
Warm Up
After a day of court battles and compassion, nothing beats a winter shower. See– winter showers aren’t normal. (Again, what is?) I am someone who sometimes takes a long time to make it to the shower. I count the stars (and drones), I map out my wishes, I tuck Eddie in (if you know, you know), I read a little, I text, I check socials, I draw a little with my felt tip pen, I dillydally like a dweeb–
But in the winter, I don’t hesitate. Why? One word: Warmth. Showers in the winter are a chance to turn up the steam and stand there while the stress melts away and my goosebumps retreat. Not a day goes by where I don’t praise God for hot water. (Praise be!) My Wim Hof (the ice man) ways dwindle, and I am left with piping hot steam.
In an old pre-war cold NYC apartment, a hot shower is where you will find me. I will probably be praying the same wishes I made on those drones and wondering what is for lunch tomorrow. I, unlike the man on the train, will be eating it.
Just had a blast from the past collecting some olds writings that pre-date this blog.
I saw old comments, old posts, old photos, people from the past, people who made it to the present. I saw my old journal entries. I got a little emotional. I won’t lie. There I was, bare on the page. Bold. In some ways, clueless about the world; in other ways, wise beyond my years.
I saw love, heartbreak, confusion, hard-fought successes and prayers in disappointments. I think back at that little me, and I smile. She had no idea what life was, what was coming or how wild her life would be. A wild f-ing adventure. I am glad she grew, and at the same time, I love her and am deeply and forever rooting for her.
I was encouraging and hilarious, but at times, rough and cutting with my words. I didn’t mask my dysfunction well. I used words like “fantabulous” and “sniffle” and was seriously obsessed with Shakespeare. I always loved Jesus and knew He was right there beside me. I did my best. I had amazing and supportive people around me. In many ways, they have no idea how much their encouragement and love meant to me. They had no idea what I was living through, and in many ways, neither did I.
I saw friends from camp, friends from church, high school friends, the guy I thought I was gonna marry (and thank God I didn’t), my teachers, my rants, my speeches, my figuring it all out– it was all there. I was wrong about some stuff. I was also wildly open despite my fears and youth. In the posts, it was clear I loved people and my friendships crossed cliques and lines. Despite navigating tough moments, I was fully alive.
As I deactivated the page again, reflecting on things and images that seemed like a lifetime ago, I only had one thought–
Pain has a way of breaking us open, allowing space for us to see through the veneer at who we truly are.
We grow numb to the world; cold like porcelain— but then, suddenly, pain reminds us we are alive. Pain strikes the nerve; its force and imposition felt like a live wire.
Pain reminds us of the struggle we move through. It reminds us of the greatness we belong to.
It is odd that sometimes we forget— we forget our biggest dreams. We forget our deepest hopes. We forget our majestic fortitude. We forget the furious heartbeat we can sometimes hear pounding in our ears.
Our truest nature can be born out of the posture we maintain in pain. The open hands we maintain; the heart we leave open like a door to a place that feels like home to the weary visitor.
Pain can make us kinder, generous, softer, compassionate. Pain can make our voice and legs shake in our most valiant and grateful moments. The recipient of pain is often the holder and bestower of the greatest gift— love.
Pain continues to remind us of what is (blood-pumping life), what should be (Eden bliss) and what will be (an adventurous eternity).
She embraces us softly and whispers to us that we will emerge truer than true. We will be born old but new. The reward is great for he or she who endures.
This was a month that brought some magic. This month, I met one of my favorite writers and some pretty incredible women. I spent time in Manhattan, which I always love. I saw the homage to Matthew Perry at the Friend’s building. Speaking only for the city, we voted in the same criminals into public office. I got sooo back on track with my workout routine. I could have slept more, though.
We saw the coolest Jaeger-LeCoutre exhibit and ate the most beautiful pastries. We cooked up a delicious Thanksgiving dinner complete with these very cool mushroom burgers. I voted for my favorite dancers on DWTS (finale is next week). It got so cold. (SO cold, guys).
I didn’t read very much. I replaced my reading time with working out, so it was either read or sleep, but I am still making my way through three great books, little by little. With the bitter cold moving in on us, I know more quiet and warm evenings are in the future.
I wanted to flag that yours truly will be featured in the Hot Mess Free Virtual Summit. You can register and sign up here! If you are feeling the chaos, this season, or you just love being encouraged, make sure to support this beautiful project. I am honored to be a part of it.
And what can I say, the holidays also are a solemn reminder of the people we miss. Absence is always felt deeper. The world, each day, shows us it has gone mad. Yet, I know this adventure has a purpose. I recently heard the question, ‘Are we fit for the work ahead of us?‘ Whether we realize it or not, there is work laid out ahead of us. There is a role we are tasked with. Have we sat in the quiet to discern it and hear the guidance that will take us home?
Winter constantly reminds us that light shines brightest in the darkness. There is nothing to fear, because light shines out of darkness, and love, the greatest gift of all, will make us whole.
Wishing you, and yours, a beautiful festive season. Let nothing spoil the joy of knowing God came down to save us. Extravagant love changed the world and will change us, if we let it.
“Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.” Jean de la Bruyere
“I have a kind of courage you do not understand. I am far from blind, far from indifferent, but I will not indulge in impotent, passive despair. I will not add to the despair of the world. I am working on counterpoisons… I create a space in which people can breathe, restore their faith and strength to live.” Anais Nin (YESSSSS)
“Writing is not life, but I think that sometimes it can be a way back to life.” Stephen King
“God will not protect you from anything that will make you more like Jesus.” Elisabeth Elliot
“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” William Shakespeare
C.S. Lewis addressing the fear of atomic bomb and the decay of the world: “This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.”
“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself.” William Martin, Source: The Parent’s Tao Te Chin
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” Henry David Thoreau
“We have let far too much go unchallenged. Too many lies have spread in the face of inaction as a result of fear or politesse. No more. Do not bite your tongue. Do not tremble. Do not go along with little lies. Speak up. Break the wall of lies. Let nothing go unchallenged. Our enemies’ failure is not assured and there is no cavalry coming. We are the cavalry. We are the last line of defense. Our civilization depends on us.” Bari Weiss, You Are the Last Line of Defense
“Face everything, you will survive anything.” Matt Higgins
“When men choose not to believe in God, they do not thereafter believe in nothing, they then become capable of believing in anything.” G.K. Chesterton
“We can’t withstand China, Russia, and Iran if we can’t explain to our populations why it matters that we do. We can’t fight woke ideology if we can’t defend the civilization that it is determined to destroy. And we can’t counter Islamism with purely secular tools. To win the hearts and minds of Muslims here in the West, we have to offer them something more than videos on TikTok.” Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Why I am Now a Christian
“If you want to be rare in this world, never give up on hope. Hope is the singular power that can destroy apathy and give you the strength to endure the dark violence of the human story.” Erwin McManus
“My head is a hive of words that won’t settle.” Virginia Woolf
“There is no loss too small to grieve. If you feel the loss, acknolwedge it by grieving. Grief recognizes the void and invites God to fill it up with Himself.” Debra Fileta
“I wanted God to meet me in faith, but He met me in faithfulness.” Erwin McManus
“The healer also needs healing. The planner also needs surprises. The giver also needs to receive. The thoughtful also needs to be thought of. The considerate also needs to be considered.” The Good Quote
“Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It’s about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy. Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink.” Stephen King
The current dropping temperatures and howling wind remind me of winter as a kid. I would take my favorite Christmas catalog and set a cushion or pillow by the heater vent on the floor (old Northern houses), and I would bring a blanket and get cozy and read. Every girl or doll had a story. I created all sorts of stories in my head. I would cut them out and create little booklets and slip the pages into those plastic slip covers that made it look glossy. (Bless my parents for never rationing my computer paper stash. While they printed, I was out here making snowflakes and fake tabloids.)
Maybe twice, I snuck up to the attic at my great aunt’s house. An old old house in Michigan. I still don’t know what that attic looked like, properly lit. It was intensely dark. I would tiptoe until I reached a point of incredible darkness. I was sure that past that point one would fall through the floor into the wall of the house or into some abyss. It felt like the end of the flat earth to me. Beyond that point was free fall. I would tiptoe around hearing the faint noise of a Chicago Bulls game downstairs and voices talking. It always remained a mystery. God only knows what that blueprint looked like. Maybe, it was just an optical illusion. Much of life is.
Sometimes, when I would wash the dishes propped up on my chair, I would peer around and any little light I saw counted for a wish. All you had to do was believe. (If you didn’t wish upon a star— I don’t know what to tell you. Try it sometime. Yes, I am a dreamer).
I adored all the string lights that would dangle from the houses. I loved the little lamps that lined the snowy paths up to the front doors. I loved seeing people’s Christmas trees through their foggy windows. I still do.
As someone who has realized they probably have an addiction to cortisol, the idea of wintering leaves me unsure of how to proceed. Winter invites us into a stillness. I tiptoe around this dark attic, wondering— if I don’t stop, will I fall off the floor into a pocket of the wall?
The winter darkness reminds us to not keep tiptoeing into the darkness but to gravitate toward the twinkling lights. They shine and dance for us. The little warm lights— they lead us home. Back to the cozy corner padded with blankets by the floor vent where the world disappears, and we stay enthralled with all the possibilities.
I think last night we saw the dance of the season on DWTS. It was a tango.
As I watched, I found it to be a beautiful reflection of my Latin culture.
Dances, I feel, reflect emotions and personalities. The jive is a peppy one. The waltz is majestic. I think dances like salsa are loud and joyful and reflect a contingent of the culture who is passionate like that. We all know those larger-than-life personalities. I know many.
I have to say that for being Hispanic, I don’t fall into that category. I am not loud. I am more on the serious, quiet side. But that doesn’t make those of us who are like that any less passionate. I think this dance depicted another type of passion. It wasn’t loud. It was serious and precise but burning the place down. I loved it. It was, if I use a word I have heard to describe me, “intense.”
The leg ganchos are everything. Daniella Karagach always brings it with her creativity. This one goes out to the intense, serious ones with the slow-burn passion.
At the age of twelve, the word “destiny” began to fascinate me. I think Billy Shakespeare did that to me. I began thinking about it in a nuanced way, intertwined with the idea that we all have free will and always have a choice. The word “destiny” then sort of was replaced by “purpose.”
I saw the trailer for the Napoleon movie. I must watch it. In my adolescence, Napoleon was someone who fascinated me (still does, who am I kidding?). As a true francophile, I read a lot about him. I remember I once sent in a question about him to a live Amazing Facts conference on Bible prophecy and world history.
Napoleon is flawed like any human who gasps this air we share, but what I have always found interesting about him was his sense of destiny. He was clear on who he was and where he was going. He was unstoppable. (The man kidnapped the pope, for crying out loud!)
I am drawn to people who feel purpose deeply, and I think it’s because I feel it, too. (Probably sounds odd, and no, I am not saying I am gonna leave some sort of footprint like Napoleon). This isn’t something we talk much about, and this morning, God nudged me to listen to a message. I needed to hear it. I heard words that I resonated with deeply because I believed and held them as my own personal belief even before I heard them from someone else. I was busy making tea, when I heard them spoken through my headphones, and I literally stopped in my tracks. I blinked. I smiled.
This mindset has been present for me in my own life, and I wanted to share this quote because I have never heard it articulated so beautifully. Leave it to Erwin McManus to do that.
I believe the Creator has instilled in each of us a sense of purpose. I think in scripture it is clear that many were born with a specific purpose– look at the prophets and kings. And then, you have stories of those who run from their purpose. Look at Samson, Jonah…
You have a story like Saul, when he runs into Jesus and is converted to Paul. This changed the course of his entire life. If we are humble and willing, if we don’t run and waste the purpose, God finds us and transforms us to do His great works, and often, that changes history.
The quote below explains my magnetism to McManus. This common thread sews us together. I once did a Bible study based on his book Wide Awake, and I got feedback that a lot of people didn’t connect to it. Be real; life isn’t this grand or dreamy, I was told. But the life of the author says otherwise.
It’s tough to articulate this knowledge because you can end up sounding downright delusional, but this has been the best way I have seen how:
[This quote is transcribed from the Mind Shift Masterclass by Erwin McManus.]
“I had an insane sense of destiny.
I’m making $10-12,000 a year. Kim and I are sleeping on the floor when we were first married. No one saw any potential or talent or gifting in me. I didn’t talk about it out loud because it would be arrogant. I didn’t talk about it out loud because it would seem like I was detached from reality.
I had an insane sense of destiny.
I believed that I was put on this planet to make a difference; to leave a mark in human history. I believed that God called me out to do something that was gonna be breathtaking, extraordinary, unexplicable, and I carried it every day in my heart.
So, here I was living the most seemingly insignificant life. Didn’t matter ’cause it wasn’t insignificant because I was on a journey. It’s not something you really talk about because it seems so inappropriate, but you couldn’t take that away from me. I believed I was created to do something that mattered in the world.
No one else is responsible to help me fulfill my destiny– that was on me. There was this tension of destiny, of calling, to do something God called me to but of personal responsibility, ownership. That this is something I have to create from personal responsibility and agency.
You have to make the decision that you are going to live your life as if you are unstoppable.”
I carry it in my heart every day, too. I hope you do, too. Be unstoppable.
We near the end of this year. This morning, I came across the words, “Courage, dear heart,” written by C.S. Lewis. Those words came to mean something so much more profound to me this year. I read and held onto them before one of the darkest seasons of my own personal experience. I had no idea the grief and pain that was around the corner, and yet God was already whispering to me, “courage.” I recorded those words and thoughts here. And then, again here.
Even before that, the phrase that came to me in January of 2023 was “Arise.” I wrote about it here. The song that reflects on Lazarus’ rising from the dead (by CAIN) was on my heart. I didn’t understand it in the way I do now. I had no idea what the year had in store. Few of us did. As I look back now (hindsight is always fascinating), I realize God speaks to us and prepares us for what He knows is ahead, as we unknowingly wander in. As Pastor Shane said today, that is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit guides us to all truth and tells us what is to come. (John 16:13)
At the beginning of 2023, I didn’t know I was going to go through a year of death. There was a quite literal death and deep loss experienced with the loss of my father-in-law, who I absolutely adore. And following that, came a confusion that only people who have been plunged into a deep grief recognize. A fog. A confusion. A standstill. A pain, later followed by many tiny personal deaths.
I was only half jokingly remarking to someone close to me that this year was cursed. I am not so sure I am sad to see it go. It left me feeling stripped, with loss touching almost every aspect of my life.
And yet, I am writing to you here. I am in a much better place. A lot of us are. I feel like a different person. A lot of us are. There are moments where life irreversibly changes. Like burning paper. A chemical reaction occurs, and you can’t go back. This was one of those “burning paper” years. (I see myself in high school chemistry burning paper on a Bunsen burner). So, while I may say it was cursed, as I have learned through coaching, there is always joy that can be found in pain.
“If you are passionate about something, you will suffer for it,” Pastor Shane said today. There is something about being relentless through pain. Despite it being a face-numbing year, I felt God’s presence in the darkness. I met a remarkable woman this month at a community event, and while we hadn’t hit a religious note in our conversation, I surprised myself when I blurted out that life brings us a certain darkness. Certain, meaning, it touches us all-guaranteed. We can’t evade it. Yet, I know we are never alone, I explained. This woman, who had undergone volumes of suffering I have never been touched by, told me she knew it for certain, too. We are never alone. God is with us. God also heals us as we spend time in His presence. A scripture that brought tears to my eyes recently was, “His banner over me is love.” Song of Solomon 2:4
I wrote on January 15, 2023 (in Rise), “May you allow Him to make you truly alive. […] Life is hope. There is no room for despair. Arise.” And I still feel that in my bones. I had no idea how deeply I would need those words. How many of us would.
“Faith changes the end of the story. Always. There is no exception. No exceptions. That is something I feel in my very depth.” (Rise)
Debra Fileta wrote something I so resonate with. She wrote, “The best way I know to describe the heavy burden of grief and loss is to say that the load itself never gets lighter– but you get stronger.” After everything– I can say I feel stronger.
To circle back to C.S. Lewis’ Aslan and Lucy:
“Aslan” said Lucy “you’re bigger”. “That is because you are older, little one” answered he. “Not because you are?” “I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”
I feel a strength that comes from finding Him bigger. He continues to show up in my life, and as I get older, I see just how grand He truly is.
This year is almost gone. We have two months that I know will fly by. As I journal and reflect over a year that has felt like a decade of change, I want to circle back to my year’s word, rise.
When He said your name The thing that filled your veins Was more than blood It’s the kind of love That washes sin away Now the door is open wide The stones been rolled aside The old is gone The Light has come So come on and
Come on and rise up Take a breath, you’re alive now Can’t you hear the voice of Jesus calling us Out from the grave like Lazarus You’re brand new The power of death couldn’t hold you Can’t you hear the voice of Jesus calling us Out from the grave like Lazarus Rise up, like Lazarus
GABRIELA YARELIZ 