By: Gabriela Yareliz
In the pop culture news this week was Ashley Tisdale French’s The Cut article, Breaking Up With My Toxic Mom Group. She doesn’t name the members of the group but simply explains the dynamics of it and why it was time to make her exit. She must have known people would dig into her photos and try to put the pieces together. Was it necessary? I mean half of what anyone writes about isn’t. Sometimes, you just want to express yourself. I would argue, though, that it has its value. Stay with me.
I am not here to weigh all of the past feuds the alleged members of this group has had. Is Hilary Duff kind? Probably not, if we are being real. Is Mandy Moore a mean girl? I mean— this group is made up of past teen stars that probably have stunted emotional capacity- Tisdale French included. The only thing I find curious is that the women’s husbands are now speaking out and attacking Tisdale French, which, to me, feels like they are proving her point. Toxic. If they weren’t petty or toxic, they would have likely let Tisdale French take the public opinion fall alone.
What I find interesting about this conversation is that we can take the celebrity element out of this and be left with something very real— women friendships can have a thick layer of darkness to them. I personally have always found group dynamics to be toxic. Women friendship groups are things I have often observed from the outside and never understood. (Not a group person). And while so many will argue that a sisterhood is the strongest thing on the planet, I feel I have only seen the toxicity. I personally prefer friendships with men, and sadly, as you get older and people get married, it becomes harder and in some ways just simply less appropriate. It’s not the same as when you were kids. Some of my best and most pure childhood friendships were with boys. There is less of a physiological mindf*ck when you are friends with men. Things are a lot more straight forward.
In a world of Friends, Girls, Golden Girls and Sex and the City, Tisdale French brings up something we seldom talk about— how toxic a group of women can be. And I see it even in work dynamics. Women are quick and ready to tear each other down and apart. There is a power struggle there; and while men may struggle too, women lie. There is plenty of fake politeness to go around. You walk on eggshells because you often don’t know when she will strike. Perhaps, it’s a deep rooted insecurity. I don’t know. You can say this is sexist, but it’s purely based on observation. So do with it what you will. I have seen women behave in ways men do not. Fact.
When I read this piece, it reminded me of some of the toxic friendships of the past. Girls who would literally lie to their parents to get one in trouble. Girls riddled with anxiety who wanted someone to blame. I remember one of my most toxic friendships was with a pastor’s daughter. So when anything hit the fan or she went into one of her rages, even when she was lying, my parents believed her over me. That girl was unhinged and always told me I was “jealous of her.” There were times where she humiliated me in front of others for laughs. Ironically, as a kid, I knew I was not jealous of her. I thought she was literally unhinged. I also knew she was a liar. None of the adults around us understood the dynamic and the currents running through all of this.
Girls and women can be savage. They can destroy a lot in their tornado of emotions and insecurity. I think it’s something we should talk about more. To me, one of the only people who has exposed the depths of darkness is Margaret Atwood in her book Cat’s Eye (“exploring themes of identity, memory, female cruelty”). We should equip girls better to deal with the reality of the darkness and cruelty (for lack of a better word) that exists, instead of not believing them or acting like it’s normal.
Even outside of gender, there are plenty of group and friendship dynamics that are not healthy. Maybe the Tisdale French essay, despite how petty it lands, will start a conversation about how to have healthy relationships and how to know when it’s time to walk away. Life is too short to be a part of someone’s stupid power dynamic. And while you are stuck with the same people as a child, when you are an adult, you have choices. You can walk away.
People are cruel and also unwell. There is a lot of darkness out there. Lots of psychological games being played. Some people want high school forever. And there are many who feel they thrive in that. Some of us want nothing to do with it, and it’s ok to say so.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 