Crowdsourcing

By: Gabriela Yareliz

“Forget what your mom thought was important for you. To hell with what your first boss said you should be. Get really clear on being the person YOU approve of and want to be.” Tara Schuster

I have this syndrome where I often react adversely to what other people think, but I seek it out anyway. (Fun, right?) I pay for coaching programs. I have gone to therapy. (These have been immensely helpful at different intervals of my life/career!) I have suffered miserably under dysfunctional work regimes and bold stupidity. (I have sought acceptance from the same leaders who fostered the dysfunction and stupidity). I have often felt the rejection of people close to me and craved their acceptance and affirmation. I have taken big risks for new beginnings. This is all true.

Despite the natural craving to seek affirmation, I have often, in my own way, bucked whatever people thought I should do. It dawned on me recently that maybe I should stop asking people their opinion. (Sometimes, I get it without solicitation, but I do, at times, solicit as well). The funny thing is that it’s our natural tendency to crowdsource. Not doing so feels unnatural. And while coaching is allegedly for you to come to your own answers, there is a reason why we pick the coach we pick and the group we surround ourselves with. We seek their wisdom.

I had a friend during the pandemic who needed to crowdsource her every decision— vacation or no vacation? Mask or no mask for this event? Should this unvaccinated friend be excommunicated or nah? (We ran into issues here). Eventually, I got annoyed, and we drifted apart. But we all become like this friend sometimes.

On the flip side —life has taught me to trust myself. Truth is, had I listened to other people in the past or just acted to not feel their wrath or disapproval, I would not be here (whatever here is, for better or worse). I once had a mentor I admired a lot as a teen find me on LinkedIn (sixteen years later) and apologize for how he trashed my dreams. He trashed them hard. Even spiritualized it. As a searching adolescent with major abandonment issues, this was hard to ignore when it happened, but I did it anyway thanks to my defiant streak. (This streak has been more of a blessing than a curse. It has saved my butt many times. So parents, if your daughter has a defiant streak, don’t tell her to be softer or more acceptable. Embrace it as something that will protect her and help her stand up for herself and others. You won’t always be right, but you will be sincere). I knew he wasn’t going to pay my bills or rescue me from anything so screw that, a sixteen-year-old me had thought.

Me, eventually discarding what other people think doesn’t mean I am immune to what other people offer, though. You can feel people’s judgment without words. I recall many instances where a younger me numbed my own thoughts and desires or changed my plans to not have a confrontation with an authority figure I so desperately wanted approval from. (And I am a deeply confrontational person— so I can only imagine others who aren’t).

So that’s where I have been for a long time— waffling in between my resistance to whatever people wanted or thought was right and my hope to be respected and accepted (I think that’s what it comes down to) by people I valued. The way religion is weaponized also plays a big role in how we accept or reject information as we grow up, if you grow up in religious environments.

As we grow into adults, we learn a lot of things. One thing I have learned is this dynamic doesn’t work.

Here is some stuff I have pieced together:

First, people advise you based on their own framework of what a good and acceptable life is. Because the truth is everyone has their own idea of success and respect. People measure and weigh acceptance differently. People weigh comfort and risk differently. And people have to live up to whatever is right for them. One life path isn’t bad, it’s just not what you may want for yourself. What is acceptable to one person may be death by a thousand cuts to another. And that is ok.

So, the first step is knowing what you are willing to do and not willing to do. What your values and desires are. Then, chase them hard in whatever way that looks. Don’t compare them to everyone else’s risk management chart. (These exist!)

A value I have found to be key for me, especially in career things, is what Seth Godin wrote as:

“Selfish is easy. 

Short term is easy.

Complacent is easy.

Turning our head and ignoring the problem is easy.

Going along to get along is easy.

But easy isn’t the point.

Better is.

Challenging the status quo is difficult, and worth it.”

Find your own values and write them down. Write your own mission statement.

Second, they say don’t take advice from someone whose life you don’t want. I take this pretty seriously these days. I have found that may even include my coach, who I pay to advise me. This would have made me deeply uncomfortable before. It did for a while. Still does at certain times, but I am trying to be ok with that.

Third, when we crowdsource, people’s advice often comes from wanting to protect us (or it could have other less-obvious motivations). So, unless that person is an incredible expert at what you want or are considering, maybe don’t seek affirmation or guidance from them. People need to be put into buckets for what they can offer. If you find someone repeatedly makes you feel small, they are not on the team playing on the field, you know? Maybe have them sit in the bleachers and watch the game, instead.

Sometimes, I sit in group coaching calls scribbling notes, and other times, I ask myself what the hell I am doing there.

At the end of the day, we just have to be ok with the fact that nobody knows. We don’t know, and they (the group we try to crowdsource from) don’t know. And if I am gonna pick who to listen to, I guess I pick me, as uncomfortable as that makes me. And honestly, not out of arrogance (I have made plenty of mistakes), but out of radical responsibility.

I truly think a major motivation of sharing things and seeking opinions is we crave acceptance or affirmation we don’t have or haven’t had (or both). We, at times, crave validation we won’t give ourselves. Sometimes, we crowdsource to pass the ball and not be responsible. It’s easy to follow advice, and then, blame someone for the guidance we followed. It’s a slippery slope. Sometimes, we crowdsource to excuse our decisions or actions. We are uncomfortable with our own agency. It’s strange, but true.

Figuring things out according to your values (and no one else’s) is alarmingly lonely. We must come to realize that if people aren’t impressed or accepting of you by now, they never will be and that’s ok. If you are always the villain, you will be the villain. If you are typically wrong to others, that won’t change either. There is also the realization that most people are afraid. They are afraid of their own shadows. So why do we seek their timid guidance? Whatever. I think coaching and crowdsourcing’s highest value is when we use it to challenge ourselves into growth. That’s it.

And maybe— no one needs to understand you. If they don’t care enough to respect your essence, they likely never will. (Out of your control!) We seek understanding from those who don’t understand themselves. Maybe, we just need to understand ourselves. We are funny as humans. Often seeking externally what is only found internally.

We try to crowdsource what only God and our own brain can give to us. And that is free. That’s all we need. Everyone else needs to worry about their own lane. And notice I said God, not a church, temple or small group. God. That’s it.

We often speak about the importance of community— and this has its place. But there is often groupthink, status quo, insanity, crushed dreams, self-justification and abuse in community. Community can numb us from excelling into our God-given potential. Healthy community is key. There is nuance here.

Next time we surf on the wave of public opinion, hopefully, we catch ourselves and think— is this the wave I want to ride? Ride the ones you want and are prepared to ride. It may be one people think you are crazy for chasing— but in the end, the only opinion that matters is the one on the board.

“Do not look for the approval of someone you think will make you approve of yourself. Approve of yourself first, just as you are.” Tara Schuster