The Feminine

“In the ’70s, my mother gave me a print that read: A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. After 25 years of marriage, I couldn’t disagree more.” Larissa Phillips

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I read Larissa Phillips’ The Free Press piece with intrigue, as I am sure many of us did.

If you look around at the biological confusion/disassociation around us (we’ll call it that), after much study, arrows seem to point to attachment and safety in childhood. If we remove religious interpretations and look purely at biological elements as the factors— we see a giant wound with the masculine that has left a crater in the world and society. Add the complexity that women carry the emotions and traumatic experiences of their lineage in their pelvis, womb and ovaries, and you’ve got a real mess.

Women’s infertility (when it is the woman; it is 50/50) and menstrual issues, often gets attributed to a lack of safety. The conditions that lead to a shut down are often originating in a deep emotional trigger.

Women’s pain and autoimmune issues often stem from the imbalance of feeling unsafe and trying to essentially become the masculine to feel safe. I heard recently from a practitioner that women’s thyroid and adrenal issues can be traced back to a woman spending herself and trying to match a man’s energy. Men have 17x more testosterone than women. Can you imagine the insanity of trying to match that as a woman? But we do it— ALL THE TIME.

We have no choice in a lot of things that affect us— whether our grandfather was unfaithful to our grandmother and how she carried that anguish, whether those in our lineage felt abandonment and lack of safety, the relationships our parents had with their parents and our grandparents with theirs. Our parents’ relationship to each other and whether they caused each other pain. Single parenthood. Men not being protectors. Our own childhood adaptations that helped us survive. What is in our control is now. What we do now. How we show up in our relationships, now.

If femininity requires safety, connection and vulnerability— how are we striving for that? How do we provide our own safety? How do we allow others to provide it to us? The ability to open a bank account, buy property and make our own money has helped us better survive the failings and wounds of the masculine— let’s be real. But what should our default be? How do we give the next generation less trauma?

When we find a worthy, good man who offers us safety and connection, how do we begin dropping the pieces of armor and heal the wounds that have led us to try to live beyond our biological means?

How do we begin forgiving others and ourselves for all we did not know?

None of those have easy answers, but seeking those answers is necessary. As a society, we are out of alignment. If we look around us, we see wounding everywhere. Healing just can’t be optional.

Every day, we begin again. Every day is a gift. Every day, we can adjust the compass a bit more so we can arrive to the true destination. So we can arrive whole and light.

I heard a message recently that highlighted that one of the only places we see the word “easy” in Scripture is when Jesus invites us to trade in our baggage for His yoke.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

His way is different. His way unburdens us. And while no journey is truly easy— taking His way offers us rest, He says.

Isn’t it interesting that the feminine is also lighter and softer— it rests in safety. It’s the softness, not pushing through, that heals us.

If we are to be healed, one of the first steps is laying down our armor and weapons. You can’t mow a lawn with a water sprinkler. Our design matters. Often, healing is found in a surrender and vulnerability. It starts with an acknowledgment of our weariness.

The Beauty of Enough

“Never let the quest for more distract you from the beauty of enough.” Sahil Bloom

Image from Pinterest

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Spring invites us into simplicity. I am only 1/4 into my spring cleaning. The season’s freshness invites us to cleanse out, to simplify, to go back to the basics. A mini candle, a white t-shirt, a fresh cleaner, a duster, a trash bag, teas and herbs, an open window with rain. All essentials. It’s a time where I examine clothes and shoes and see what needs to be retired and what needs to come to the front. The old gets swept away.

If winter brings maximalism we ramp up to through the autumn, spring has us shedding layers as we tumble toward the minimalism of summer.

Shedding reminds us it’s less about more, and it’s more about enough. There is beauty in enough, as Bloom says. We lessen distractions, and keep it focused.

We declutter our minds and spirits. We prepare for the freedom of summer. The beauty of enough deserves its moment in the sun. We don’t need more. The freedom of enough is brighter.

Presence

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I love when Mosaic is in NYC for worship. Every time I leave the gathering, I know I have been in God’s presence.

Here is a rule of thumb for life always— when given the option to be in God’s presence, whether a church gathering or at home with your Bible, never turn it down. Never postpone or replace time in God’s presence. You will never regret choosing it.

Yin

By: Gabriela Yareliz

When life goes fast, often, the best thing we can do is go slow.

When life is caffeinated and busy— you know that numb feeling that starts in your hands and goes up to your face— one of my favorite things to do is yin yoga. Really, it’s just a series of stretches that go sloooowwww and leave you resting in positions of discomfort for extended periods of time. It targets the fascia, and yes, I actively seek out discomfort. It involves a mat, some blocks plus patience. It is something that never fails to sort of bring me back to myself. My breathing. It makes me feel in-my-body and human again. My brain stops buzzing. It’s like taking a long walk except no one will mug you, and you can let your guard down.

On this Friday, as the weekend awaits— do whatever makes you feel you again. Return to humanity for a quick breath. Or better yet, make it slow.

What is in the Bag?

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Is it Vogue that has the ‘What’s in my bag?’ videos with celebrities? Welcome to the train edition.

The train gives interesting bag dumps. One man has an endless supply of masks in his black mesh bag. Still. He has mouthwash in the water bottle pocket.

Another woman has silk scarves spilling out of her tiny purse. I am continually scared they will fall or touch something gross.

One woman has a collection of hair clips. One woman has one of those ubiquitous Longchamp bags in indigo. She whips out a small cheese wrapped in red wax and nibbles on it like a mouse. Then, I hear a can popping open (that crisp sizzle and hiss), and she has a full blown Perrier water can. She sips. I then notice she has two purses. They are the same size. I wonder if she wears one on each shoulder. I bet she has more snacks. I look wistfully at her, hungry.

A visual.

One woman, who has gorgeous booties with a shiny gold half moon on the back just above the heel, has a large black Kate Spade tote with a giant Greek looking NY coffee paper cup design (you know what I am talking about). She has files and a lipgloss that looks classy.

What is in my cute Kate Spade backpack? (My backpack was a lovely gift from my husband given that my previous backpack had me “twinning” with the construction men on the train, according to my office manager. It had a combination lock on the top. Keeping my contents SAFE). Now, I have a cute bag, but no combination lock at the top. Sometimes, you gotta live on the edge. I have my Kindle, charger, eye drops (God help me), Rhode peptide lip tint, a non disposable straw (even I don’t understand this one), and sometimes, snacks.

While the bag matters (and obviously sends a message), what’s inside matters more. The most important thing you can have in your bag is a good snack. And if you are like the woman on my train, add a can of bubbly water you crack open to summon the jealousy of the rest of the train. The picnic is where you take it.

Ain’t So

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you in trouble, it’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” Mark Twain

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Last night, Steve Valiquette said (during an intermission) there was no way the NY Rangers, a team that has plunged into some sort of identity crisis, would lose to the Calgary Flames. I was surprised by his certainty because he usually keeps it real. He has been watching this team spiral all season— what would make last night different? Spoiler— NY Rangers lost brutally, and Valiquette said it was the most “tragic” and “toxic” game he has covered since 2004. (He said TOXIC— that doesn’t even begin to cover it).

Sports, for many of us, are deeper than the game. It’s an analogy for life, mental and physical resilience on display; strategy and collaboration. Courage, and sometimes, brutal perseverance.

Valiquette’s intermission assertion is an example of how, sometimes, our wishful thinking makes us certain we know for sure what Mark Twain says, “ain’t so.”

It’s good to always display hope. Things like hope and vision are backed up by discipline, a plan and the grit required. And sometimes, even with all these things, you don’t win. Yesterday, that wishful thinking was backed up by nothing.

Specifically on the Rangers— I look at this team and wonder if they got lobotomies. I wrote a whole post on Trocheck and how his joy continued to uplift his team. Guys, he hasn’t smiled since I posted that— I kid you not. And it’s not like his seriousness made him play better. He plays worse. The coach (Peter Laviolette) has no idea what else to say in press conferences. He angrily chews his gum, shakes his head with his sad eyes and says he saw “nothing out there”. He reminds me of how I would look at my teams who were determined to give me zero percent effort. (He is not faultless, though— he gives a lot of ice time to people who give him nothing in return— another life lesson. Don’t do that).

Anyway— all this to say, no one knows where they go from here. The fans deserve better. I have never seen MSG look so empty. The fickle fans don’t have wishful thinking and given the city strangles us for money, we don’t have the cash to pay for those seats to watch them lose. They have received the memo and reality check. They are no longer willing to pay to watch five men free skate and sadly shake their heads. The fans aren’t giving the season CPR. They are like, “Call it.”

Yesterday, was the first time the announcers and journalists seemed to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Maybe that will be a turning point. In life, when we stop pretending and sweeping things under the rug, we give ourselves the opportunity to actually address the situation.

The NY Rangers have been pushed along with fun playoff delusions, and I think it ended last night. It’s time to face the music. When we do this in any circumstance, we finally open the door that gets us out of trouble.

If you aren’t here to play hard, you don’t deserve to win. Wishful thinking gets you only so far. It won’t take you to the playoffs.

Two Lives

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. (…) What we hate is our own failure to step up to that unlived level.” Steven Pressfield

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I love Steven Pressfield’s work. He is known for always diving into (and beating) the concept of “resistance.” He invites us to examine the two lives in front of us— the lived and unlived.

How are we spending our time? Do we inch closer to our dreams? Do we try and dare? Are we consumed with our failure instead of having it fuel us into a new reality?

The best kind of life is the one where the one that was unlived, but desired, becomes the lived one.

Ideas for NYC: Open Letter

Dear Eric Adams (Mayor),

You keep saying you are living a biblical moment. I want to tell you about my biblical moment. You love to compare yourself to Jesus, so here is a short prayer for relief (here I am hoping you have a Google Alert for your own name (on brand) or divine intervention will bring us together, like the old days):

Today, I rode on a subway where someone was stabbed yesterday. The gaslighting from you and the governor that we are the safest we have ever been is a joke at best.

Today, the smell of urine overpowered the train. The urine flowed in waves, swishing from end to end as passengers gagged, jumped squealing and those lucky to have a seat raised their feet up onto the bench. We parted the Yellow Sea, unwillingly. We were all on the splash zone; we did not walk on dry ground. Not the St. Patty’s fun we envisioned (not to be pinched, I am wearing green!). On a holiday like today, most people want to smell like beer not pee.

Here is what I am thinking— let’s get some help for the multiple incontinent people who need a bathroom (I can’t imagine all that pee came from one person). The stabber better be in jail. Maybe a collab with Poo Pourri or Clorox? Or better yet, go clean girlie, and go full nontoxic— Branch Basics and some essential oils. We can add wipes for the polls because, please, I am taking a brave bet to say they were baptized in urine.

Maybe, some paper barf bags (god forbid it be plastic) on the doors for the scent sensitive so they aren’t gagging and vomiting on the rest of us. Maybe some mesh shoe covers— the disposable kind you wear when you go to a germ-phobe’s house. In blue. That will match most outfits.

They can be multipurpose and the girls with the stuffed animal key chains dangling from their expensive purses can wrap their plush friends in them too to protect them from the elements.

All right, these are just ideas. Take ‘em or leave ‘em. You can take full credit for them. I got to go because I am about to lose my balance, and we all clearly know how that is going to end.

*splash*

Monday Mood

By: Gabriela Yareliz

You know we talked about balance not that long ago on the blog. As we start a new week, I am carrying this thought with me:

“Spend a handful of hours a day going fast. Crush a gym session. Do deep work on a project you care about. Spend the rest of the day going slow. Take walks. Read books. Get a long dinner with friends. Either way, avoid the anxious middle where you never truly relax or truly move forward.” Charles Miller