The Roots of Relational Failure and Success

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I really believe that a lot of healing comes from reframing things. And I don’t mean reframing things to look better than they actually were, but I mean reframing things so we can see what actually happened. Often, when we remove ourselves from the lens, we see things more clearly, and we can deal with the hurt in our souls a lot better. When we see what the truth and root of the matter is, a lot of things can make sense.

I have been talking a lot about accountability, values and relationships recently, which is something society at large lacks so much of. (Politics seems to provoke these topics). They affect everything, especially our relationships with others.

One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is be self-aware and work on our own baggage and characters and how it affects how we relate to others. I have caught myself triggered or going down a line of reasoning that I later reflect on, and I realize my reaction didn’t match a situation as much as it matched a fear deeply entrenched in me from a past hurt.

When I come to these realizations, I often apologize after spending time in quiet reflection and prayer thinking about how I can heal that, especially when I am triggered or provoked by attitudes or words I can’t control. The truth is my own reactions are what are in my control, and I take full responsibility for that.

Aren’t relationships rods that poke us, and when they hit a bruise, we whimper from the pain? Sometimes, I have felt foolish, not for my initial reaction but for being self-aware about it. Is it stupid to call yourself out on your own behavior that you are striving so hard to fix and begging God to transform? Does it sound too I-am-my-own-therapist?

I felt sort of foolish for a good day or two this week after calling myself out on something, and it’s a familiar feeling I have felt when I have discerned my own flaws and spoken about that discernment. My feeling of foolishness or perhaps shame went away when I heard the quote below, and while the situation doesn’t apply to me and it may not apply to you (the infidelity she speaks of), the underlying principle and talk about baggage applies to all:

“To my queens out there who have been cheated on by their men— it’s not your fault. Stop making it your fault. To my kings out there that have been cheated on by their women, stop making it your fault. Yes, women cheat, too. Now, here is the thing— sex is one of the strongest forces in the universe that we have to deal with.

This is about self-mastery. It’s not even about what is going on in the relationship. This is about self-mastery. Ok, so if you think just because somebody says they love you or you think just because they want to be in a relationship with you that that’s gonna dissolve all of their traumas they come with, you know what I am saying, or that they are gonna know how to deal with their traumas, nah. People are going to mess up.

So here is the thing— make sure you are with someone who is interested in mastering themselves and everything they come with. I know that there is a lot of pain that comes from infidelity, but relationships are a spiritual endeavor. Just make sure you are with someone who is worth it.” Jada Pinkett Smith

Relationships aren’t about being with someone who is perfect, but being with someone who is constantly trying to master themselves.” Julianne Hough

So, there it is. I realized that my desire to master myself and all I carry in me, it isn’t foolish, even if it is seen as strange or treated with a certain detachment by others, and even if I repeat the mistake on my way to healing the hurt that serves as the root. In fact, that is what we are all supposed to be doing.

I agree that relationships are a spiritual endeavor. They fail because of spiritual things, like: lack of values and lack of temperance (self-control) and not caring. They fail because of all of these things, which means it may be logical to think they succeed when we do the opposite. They succeed when we have values, when we have self-control, and when we care. Most importantly, a thing to remember about spiritual endeavors is that it starts with ourselves, not with anyone else.

What needs a reframe in your mind? What is the root of your matter?

Published by Gabriela Yareliz

Gabriela is a writer, editor and attorney. She loves the art of storytelling, and she is based in NYC.

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