Weighing for Change

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I am sitting in the basement of TJ Maxx on a chair that is for sale. I am not kidding. I am sitting here with no makeup on, with my New Yorker grocery cart beside me. I am writing this blog on a chair that isn’t mine.

All morning, I have been trying to sort my feelings out about big possible transitions coming my way. Here I am trying to worry about everything but maybe the most important thing.

Is it possible that sometimes people give us space to figure out our stuff when they seem to see us more clearly than we see ourselves? They see our potential, our ambition, our hopes.

Maybe, in my own hopes to stop the indecision and deafening silence that has plagued for so long, I have been trying to find my answers from external sources. But that may not be possible.

If what I seek is growth, challenge and no boredom, then the weights are stacked up, and I must weigh carefully. Isn’t that what I have been working toward my whole life? Nothing about this journey has been comfortable or easy. So what is it exactly that scares me?

When we are seeking to go to the next chapter in life, there is nothing external that can help us decide. Contrary to what we try. But instead, we have to pray and pay attention to the sentiments that linger. There was a prospect for change that was placed in front of me recently, and I felt disappointed. I literally felt just that. I couldn’t understand why until this morning. And I haven’t been able to shake the feeling, even if I can reason it away with logic. So, perhaps, that feeling is not meant to be ignored or reasoned away, but it’s exactly what I should be holding on to.

If change will happen, it has to be for something better. There is too much at stake. Maybe, we are too accustomed in life to making decisions and just making them work. Surviving. But now, I believe we reach a certain point where our choices shouldn’t just be things we survive and make work, but something we really want. Something that will elevate, because if it won’t, then maybe the trade off isn’t as worth it as it seems.

Life comes and asks you the question: What do you prioritize? Who are you? Who do you want to be? And there are things we erroneously see as mutually exclusive– but they aren’t. Instead of letting false sense of hopelessness drain us, we should use the energy to make work what it is we want. There are ways. There are ways.

This is just a shoutout to the girl inside who loves a good challenge, and wants to go to bed knowing she tried her best to disturb the worlds status quo as it stands. I always wanted to run into the darkness with a torch, and I have realized I can do nothing less.