Ms. Shah is a pro— or so I heard. She had on spa music that matches my favorite massage place, and her storefront business was packed.
“That music is the secret to keeping everyone calm while they wait,” Ms. Shah said laughing.
I had wandered over to Ms. Shah’s eyebrow spa because my face framers were “abandoned.” And if you find someone with five stars, you test the situation.
If you want a fun afternoon activity, go onto Yelp or Google, and read traumatized reviews from eyebrow places. It is wild what people experience. I read one that was like, “she took a chunk off, and then she laughed.” The stuff of nightmares.
There was a thin, heavily tattooed blonde Turkish woman and her mom. Two Arabic speaking girls and a pot smoking boyfriend who belonged to the heavier set of the two. He would wander in and out, with a strange level of agitation.
The tattoo girl sat there with a dark eyebrow tint on. She looked like something from the movie Poor Things. Her mom sat there for an hour and later put on a mask, saying she had “an infection.” Was she not infected the whole hour she sat there maskless? Listen, I don’t care— all I am saying is she has some holes in her brain logic.
The Arab young women took turns in the chairs. They didn’t wince with the wax. They seemed used to it. The first finished and then got into a fight with her boyfriend who kept asking her if she was hungry. (People in this neighborhood have a lot of drama with food. Remember my fellow commuter who gets into fights with his invisible “mom” who isn’t there and he talks to himself the whole ride? The whole theme is lunch, always).
The other girl (I say girl because they were younger than me) kept putting her phone on speaker and yelling at her mom in Arabic— a mom who had called mid-eyebrow session, and she decided it was a good idea to pick up.
Occasionally, in the midst of the chaos, Ms. Shah would look over at me. I would smile. She looked over at the girls disapprovingly and definitely did not approve of the ski mask boyfriend.
The girls had come in looking like they had given up on life. They looked like they hadn’t showered in a week; they had on Christmas pajama pants with black puffer jackets, things that looked like shower caps and crocs. They kept yelling into their phones and sitting against a tapestry on Ms. Shah’s couch, making it fall. Ms. Shah adjusted it when the first girl and her boyfriend were fighting outside. Then, the girl came back in and knocked it down. I could feel the business owner’s judgment and simultaneous resignation. She checked them out with thread hanging from her pursed lips.
She then went back to the chair where they had both sat and Lysoled that thing like it was palo santo. (She really should have Lysoled the Turkish mom lady).
When the two girls and the wandering boyfriend in a ski cap left, there was a strange collective exhale in the place. It’s amazing how people’s energy is so felt in a space.
Once the trio departed, the tattooed blonde sat in the main chair and had her tint finalized. Jovial chatter began. The music seemed to take up most of the space. Stories of trips to Turkey swirled.
I sat in a corner with the plants, praying my eyebrows wouldn’t be the subject of a bad online review because you know I am always down to join the fun…
I am writing this with Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” playing in the background. They don’t match, but they do. Nostalgia being the unifying factor.
It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and while I never regularly watched football as a kid, I did watch the Super Bowls. Usually, it entailed a party with church people around. We would play outside, eat chips with everything (nacho style, salsa, haystacks). It was a vibe. I’d arbitrarily pick a team and bleed their colors for the day. I would pick my outfit carefully.
My outfit was more often than not inspired by MK & A Olsen.
They say you shouldn’t romanticize the past, but it’s hard not to do when you grew up in a golden era of prosperity and entertainment like I did, steeped in Americana and living in neighborhoods that looked like something out of Disney Channel shows. Yep, I was that lucky.
I am here blasting American and UK oldies, wondering what it will take to go back to the values and general vibe of the time. (It’s an amazing distraction from the last heavy lifts in something I am planning and coordinating).
I was chatting the other day with friends (very passionately), about what New Yorkers always projected in the past. I had never been to NYC, but I knew it was tough. It had grit and glamour and more than anything– opportunity. It was a mecca of creativity and taboo. It was Studio 54, Serendipity and Friends. Now, people cry if you look at them the wrong way (or they stab you). Neither being ideal. People who don’t respect property rights destroy instead of building something for themselves.
Image of Studio 54 by Sleek-mag.com
We drown in conversations about diversity and inclusion, and find any reason to exclude someone and make them morally reprehensible. Everything is polarized. I had listened to a podcast with Jordan Belfort (aka The Wolf of Wall Street). And while I am not down with the nonexistence of sexual harassment and drug insanity, the America he describes sounds like a dream. I kind of wish I could have a peek at that as an adult. His description reminds me of the show Just Shoot Me!. I think that show was the end of the era. I was only a kid, but man, so much has changed so fast.
Jordan Belfort Wallpaper from Wallpapercave
I also remember the not so idyllic aspects of the past. When you were a minority, you really felt like one. Everything was created for one type of person, with few exceptions. I’ve been reading a book, Nation of Victims, that discusses how we stayed there. We haven’t recovered from the things that divided us.
The author, Vivek Ramaswamy, discusses how case law brought us to an odd place with the Constitution and how the courts made it so you could only have a response to something that was wrong by fitting into a victim scheme, with many boxes to check. Boxes many have checked in the past, and now, boxes many try to check, one recent example is the LGBTQ+ community.
We have created a system where you don’t just get redress if you have been wronged no matter who you are, but you get redress if you have been a victim under the prongs of the law. Then, there is the past, which many find hard to let go of. I have heard even people close to me describe groups of people different than them with disdain almost making it seem like several negative experiences in the past with a member of this group equals the fact that every member of this group is the same.
I have heard it go in every direction. Against minorities, against whites, against all groups– you name it. For many people of color, this reads almost like a revenge era. Make ’em pay, seems to be the MO. People who were never slaves want reparations from people who never owned a slave. We love to focus on what makes us different, and differences make us stronger. But we have weaponized them and made it so that they make us divided.
We often forget we hold several common identities which should bridge the gaps and override the differences that make us interesting and add spice to the soup. We are members of the same human family (we are all in the same damn soup), and in this country, we are Americans. We’ve forgotten that common identity. We don’t cherish or value it. We trash it like entitled and spoiled people who truly don’t appreciate the abundance and wealth we have been entrusted with.
I wonder when being American will be enough for us as a country. We come from a country that is unique from all others. One of grit, fight, wealth, opportunity and most importantly, freedom. We love excess. We love drama. We hold more diversity than anywhere else in people and state. We are the country of Blink-182, Martin Luther King Jr., football, The OC, a country where people of every faith get to worship, and a country where MTV Spring Breaks were everything. Our wild, underdog culture that shrieks of youth has power– that is why it has had the greatest influence over the entire planet (from financial markets to clothes to music to makeup to television).
All the small things…
I hope that as people come together to laugh at and rank commercials, to root for their teams (rooting for the 49ers, personally), to roll their eyes at Taylor Swift– I hope we can come together to celebrate something that has always brought us together– our flag, our sport, and our insane halftime show (Usher will give us the dose of nostalgia the doctor prescribed).
I hope that rather than this insane victim mentality that has infected us, that we can embrace the gritty, resilient striving American spirit. We are the culture that tackles to win.
I had a recent conversation with a friend who told me she was not cut out for the capitalist system. She is European (and lives in her country); incredibly feminine and a classical beauty. She sings like a virtuosa and loves laying in hammocks in the woods. Her corporate job is taking a toll on her. I feel her to a certain extent. I also think it’s her beautiful feminine energy that makes this so draining for her.
And in my response, it was clear we were not cut from the same cloth. We had grown up in entirely different cultures and governments. In fact, in my response to her about what made my own job challenging, I realized it was often the people who thought like her.
We have come to a place where we want to be saved. We are all victims of our own lives and choices. We want something for nothing. But that just ain’t it.
Me at work.
Without the striving and adventure, what is life for then? I asked rhetorically. But she can daydream of socialism and their own “good ole days”. Back to this country– people want to abdicate responsibility, creativity and innovation for corruption, bitterness, safety and envy.
I haven’t met a successful person here who would be where they are without the American system and dream (even if they criticize it). For example, Bernie Sanders wouldn’t be as wealthy as he is or have the compound he has if he lived in socialism. Bernie Sanders is a hardcore capitalist no matter what he says, because look at his life. Look at what he has. The ideology he spouts inspires the uninspired. All these systems that thrive off a victim narrative, they lead to loss.
It’s time we “man up” as a country. (Speaking of… where are all the men?)
I leave you with the words of Vivek Ramaswamy:
“The Union can only stay intact this time, and perhaps should only stay intact, if Americans come to see themselves as fellow citizens rather than each other’s victims.”
How do we look at our neighbor? The one who is like us? The one who is different from us? When will we start acting like a band of brothers instead of enemies in competition to misery.
This American girl has high hopes for a nation of citizens not victims. Let’s go watch the most expensive commericals and sweaty men slam into each other. America, people. America.
I leave you with this jam that gives me all the feels. It reminds me of being a kid in the backseat of a car, seeing this amazing country flash through the windows, coming at me fast, strong, blessed.
The local ABC channel was tracking our sunless day streak in NYC. Ten days without a ray of sunshine. My neighborhood was pure darkness. If I didn’t turn on the light, I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I took a walk yesterday in pouring rain. It looked like late evening instead of 8 am.
I was reminded of when I lived in the Greenwich Village, in a tiny dark apartment. At the first hint of sunshine, I would go to Washington Square Park in a skirt and sit on a bench and hike up my skirt to feel the warmth and light. I probably looked like a Pentecostal girl sunning her ankles, but trust me, weirder things happen in that park. It would be absolutely freezing but sunny. And I didn’t care as long as I felt the sun. If that isn’t Floridian on overdrive, I don’t know what is.
At the University of Florida, I would lie on benches and just feel the warmth of the sun between classes. The sun has always been my friend.
Today, I woke up earlier than I had hoped. But when I peeked out from under my sleep eye mask, I saw it. I saw the bright sun pouring into my apartment from every window. It was an uplifting excitement.
I feel like a new person. Moodiness and uncertainty vanished. Sunshine, at the top of my gratitude list. Anything is possible. Our friend, the sun, is back. The sun melts all heaviness away.
Light permeating darkness shifts everything. I was reminded of this C.S. Lewis quote:
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”
I will sit here like a cute lizard and roast.
May we always seek the light, and may we always share its warmth.
It was a productive first month of the year. I learned a lot from my coach and from Roma Abdesselam on caring for oneself.
Roma, probably taking a selfie.
I realized that one of the most important things we decide is what something means to us. It frames everything, including our emotions.
I made some good soups (and paired them with grilled cheeses (nostalgic)), watched caucuses with interest. I went down a rabbit hole and came up with a theory that Tulsi Gabbard will be someone’s VP. Will I be proven right on this? I don’t know. Maybe I just love Tulsi and want to see more of that badass woman. Someone, give her a role!!
While engaging with real journalism, I found that Tucker’s Canada tour was wild and so on point. (Tucker liberated from Fox is something else).
I continue to collect childrens books that are precious to me because I swear they will disappear and some day, all we will be left with are wizard and vampire books.
I worked out a bit, I journaled more than usual, I read like 15 books at the same time. I read biographies of people I didn’t know existed like Lucinda Williams. I got a massager for my tense shoulders. I got a face massager to stay young forever. I did the Open Nervous System Reset with like half of the wellness community on Instagram.
I keep growing. I hope you feel the same.
Quotes
“For as long as there is breath in our lungs– we must keep dancing.” Rupi Kaur
“‘No’ might make them angry, but it will make you free.” Nayyirah Waheed
“I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God.” Mother Teresa
“Leaders must lead by principle, not circumstance. If your principles change based on the circumstance, then you lose trust and credibility.” Jon Gordon
“Brave women are not born from comfort zones. They are made in the fire.” Cheryl Hale
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
“It is not our circumstances that create our discontent or contentment. It is us.” Vivien Greene
“Sometimes, people tell me my advice about goals is ‘not realistic.’ I agree, but who said excellence is ever realistic? Average is realistic. Common is realistic. Ordinary is realistic. Excellence is always unrealistic which is why most people don’t do it, but it’s worth it.” Jon Acuff
I remember making the snow igloos at recess during those Michigan freezes. I would strap on my snowpants, which I did not like, and after we came in from recess, they would be hanging on the hook in line with everyone else’s. The drip-drip of the snow melting off of them keeping rhythm.
Today reminded me of those days. I went outside and had the cold breeze sweep over me, as snowflakes landed in my hair. When the cold wind hits your face, and you feel that rush of energy– one of the small joys of winter. I saw the fluffy fluries that were falling. Of course, fluffy snow was no good for snow forts. It needed to be that snow that can compact and stick.
Later, I was taping boxes together at the post office and watching the snow globe outside. I spotted my loud neighbor walking past. He was wandering around with his long Matrix coat and alien sunglasses– his coat flowing open into the wind revealing his crop top sweater (because that will keep him warm). He looked like he thought he was in a hair commercial– but he is bald. I rolled my eyes and kept taping.
The year, so far, has been busy and productive. More emails than snow have fallen. People are slipping on ice and deadlines.
Distress. People are in distress, and apparently distressed furniture and fixtures are making a comeback, according to Country Living. I still don’t understand where the line is for cute-distressed versus ugly-throw-it-out distressed. What is a rustic door versus a door you should throw out and axe? And speaking of the differences in distress– am I cute-distressed? Are we IT girl wearing AloYoga or Ben Affleck? Probably, Ben Affleck.
To think I had a crush on this man in 2001, and now, he is a meme.
And because I am not distressed enough, I went down this whole rabbit hole the other day regarding the fourteenth amendment and treason (section three). Many folks are talking about it in regards to our former president (Mr. 45), and I don’t think it applies here under the circumstances, but you know, everyone is a temperamental child, these days. We must find a way to get what we want. (Why, America?) I will say though, that section 3 applies to folks in office, holding “any office” (and this includes civil).
The language got me thinking– there are many professions where you take an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States. Mine is one of them. It got me thinking of so many people holding office (including judicial office) who are a disgrace and truly undermine our constitution, and I don’t mean it is subject to interpretation, but they literally belong to groups that say they want to destroy this country and everything it stands for. They don’t even try to hide it. People are quite bold in their stupidity, these days. It makes me wonder where the accountability is and why these people are permitted to stay in office and do the harm they do. It got me thinking… I am always thinking.
The snow continues to fall with the sun, as I continue to debate what qualifies as ‘cute-distressed’ and my neighbor, who thinks he is Elle Macpherson and has invisible hair flowing in the wind, is back. Stillness fills the air as I wrap myself in my blanket and create my own igloo.
December was filled with walks to see the lights, revisiting old places, tree lightings and thoughtful gifts. There was Christmas cheer and magic in the air in Midtown Manhattan.
These days, I have been planning and reading. My planner is jam-packed with little lists and scribbles. I am determined to make it to 67 books total for the year. I got back into the groove with working out and found programs that don’t bore me. (Thank you T-F Studio and Join Reset). My 31-day pilates challenge is coming to an end, and fun continues in January. I feel stronger than I have in a long time, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.
One of my new pilates instructors.
That’s the thing about December– it isn’t just another month– it’s the end of a year cycle. And sometimes, it is a year that really changes you and changes things.
2023 was a year of loss, grief, healing, releasing fears, and learning that: if others get grace, you should, too; you get to decide who you will be and what thoughts you will think and what strength will look like to you.
2024 holds promise of dreams, family, unity, new experiences, travel. There is a lot in store.
As I reflect, I think of that Ed Mylett quote: “You will never know how much pain, hurt and anger it took to become this calm.”
I raise my glass to the ones who are no longer here and are missed– you are never forgotten (para los que no estan); to the ones still here who lean in when the world is on fire– your presence is everything (para los que se quedan y apoyan siempre); to the coaches who challenge us to become who God created us to be– your wisdom has transformed me (para los que nos guian); to God’s provision and restoration, always (siempre fiel). He makes all things new.
Raising a glass to 2024. I’ll see you there.
Quotes
Here are many quotes that meant something to me as I read through the month:
“Consider how precious a soul must be when both God and the devil are after it.” Charles Spurgeon
“A huge measure of integrity are the promises you make and keep. Levels of humility usually match levels of integrity.” Erwin Raphael McManus
“One of the best ways to achieve justice is to expose injustice.” Julian Assange
“Into this world, this demented inn, in which there is absolutely no room for Him at all, Christ has come uninvited.” Thomas Merton
“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.” C.S. Lewis
“Great men are those who see that thoughts rule the world.” Emerson
“The highest form of love is consideration. If someone thinks about how things would make you feel. Pays attention to detail. Holds you in regard when making decisions that could affect you. In any bond, how much they care about you can be found in how much they consider you.” @safespacemo
“We were never called to superficial happiness– we are called to adventure.” Dr. Edie Wadsworth
“Be grateful for any breakdowns this year. It’s setting you up for a massive breakthrough. Your mission is getting clear.” Lewis Howes
“Negative thoughts actually change the brain for the worse, yet concentrating on thankfulness literally makes you grateful for your brain.” Dr. Daniel Amen
“Someone asked me, ‘What is your weakness?’ ‘I’m sensitive. Smallest things hurt me.’ ‘What’s your strength?’ ‘Little things make me happy, too.'” Unknown
“Sometimes the best things begin from endings that were bad.” Lori Harder
“Repressing your pain is rarely the most painful form of self abandoment. Repressing your light is. Shutting down your heart and your joy is.” Xavier Dagba
“Hope is not soft. Hope is not shallow toxic positivity. Hope is strong. Hope is stretching. Hope is a war cry, painful prayer, a courageous choice.” Lynette Allcock Yoon
“Just when everything is bearing down on us to such an extent that we can scarcely withstand it, the Christmas message comes to tell us that all our ideas are wrong, and that what we take to be evil and dark is really good and light because it comes from God. Our eyes are at fault, that is all. God is in the manger, wealth in poverty, light in darkness, succor in abandoment. No evil can befall us; whatever men may do to us, they cannot but serve the God who is secretly revealed as love and rules the world and our lives.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“Every story has conflict. Don’t forget that the hard parts are just chapters. Keep going.” Unknown
“Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or honored.” Marcus Aurelius
“Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s the absence of self.” Erwin Raphael McManus
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself.” Fydor Dostoevsky
“The real Christmas gift, for which Advent is the process, is learning to hum hope, learning to dance the divine.” Joan Chittister
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.” Albert Einstein
“You know you are doing something important when it feels like it is all falling apart.” Dr. Edie Wadsworth
“The measure of your life is the amount of beauty of which you are aware.” Agnes Martin
“Jesus comes in the form of the beggar, of the dissolute human child in ragged clothes, asking for help. He confronts you in every person you meet. As long as there are people, Christ will walk the earth as your neighbor, as the one through whom God calls you.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“Joy is a rebellious act of defiance against the pain and the darkness of this world. Joy can pierce through any pain and shine the light of hope into any darkness because true joy is rooted in a deep trust that God is with us and that all that He promised will come true.” Jennifer Tucker
“Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God.”Janet Erskine Stuart
“When you can’t understand the extravangance of love, you’ve missed the whole point.” Erwin R. McManus
“Bison are the only animal that turn into a snowstorm rather than away from it because they instinctively know that walking into the storm will get them out of the weather quicker. There may be a life lesson for humans in this.” Jeremy Wayne Tate
“I wondered whether part of my reticence to let this book go was because of the version of me it had brought to the surface. Perhaps I was afraid she might get trapped in the pages of the book when I let it go. This is it.” Beth Kempton
“The purely righteous do not complain of the dark, but increase the light; they do not complain of evil, but increase justice; they do not complain of heresy, but increase faith, they do not complain of ignorance, but increase knowledge.” Abraham Isaac Kook
“When we raise our hopes and lower our expectations, we establish a resilient way forward.” Seth Godin
“Every American should be troubled by the Colorado Supreme Court’s decision to remove President Trump from the ballot. The court has deprived him of a consequential right without having been convicted of a crime. This was done without an evidentiary hearing in which he is given the basic right of confronting his accusers. When any candidate is deprived of his right to run, the American people are deprived of their right to choose.” Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“In life you must be a warrior, and war requires realism. While others may find beauty in endless dreams, warriors find it in reality, in awareness of limits, in making the most of what they have.” Robert Greene
“We forgive people not because they deserve forgiveness but because we deserve peace.” Ed Mylett
“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” Bob Marley
“We endure the hard now by trusting there is something else up ahead. Even if it’s only a line.” Sarah Dessen
“At some point in life the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need a photograph, paint or even remember it. It is enough.” Toni Morrison
“Courage is a love affair with the unknown.” Travelers, Poets and Friends
“You love differently when you know God.” Malanda
“Anger is a killing thing; it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before– it takes something from him.” Louis L’Amour
“This is who the cancel culture crowd is. They are people who don’t know God, and as a result, they are filled with chaos, confusion and anger. I’m not mad at them any more than Jesus was when he prayed for their forgiveness (even though they hadn’t asked for it).” Phil Robertson
First Star I See Tonight. I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have the Wish I Wish Tonight.
“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? Because I could really use a wish right now.” B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams, “Airplanes”
Yesterday, I saw bright specs hovering close to the bridge. Like seven of them, at least. I didn’t know what they were, but was intrigued by their brightness. They looked like a set of Christmas stars guiding the way. (I will enter wise man mode). Were they helicopters? Drones? But drones are illegal in NYC… I remember this from my iHeartRadio contract days… Don’t ask me how they got some of those shots.
I then realized they were not helicopters, but instead, they were silent. Today, I saw more. After a closer look in a moving car (spidey vision), looks like they are drones. If we make a wish on them, does that count? This better be the NYPD anti-terrorism unit. If it’s Chinese surveillance, that will be another balloon repeat. Also, do people look up? Have they noticed? I haven’t heard anyone talking about this.
I looked on Citizen App. There was nothing aside from the lost parakeet, which reminds me… did they find him? I will check…
Train Theater
“I don’t want to eat my lunch,” he yelped as he wiggled his way into the seat next to me on the train. I was typing an email balancing my thermos with one hand and slightly annoyed, tried to shift my weight away from him. Then, I recognized him. I had seen this man on the train before. He is the one man show. He often stands in corners and talks to himself while thugs threaten to beat him up if he doesn’t stop, but this time, I was a captive audience.
He suddenly shifted his voice into a higher pitch and sounding like a wicked stepmother from a Disney movie (why is it always the stepmother?) he replied to himself, “You have to eat it!!” He screeched like he was Bette Midler or something. “No!” he said forcefully.
I was going to turn to him to tell him he didn’t need to eat this invisible lunch he kept referencing, but then, decided not to get involved. What if he decided to fight with me as himself and his mom? How does one mediate that? Also, my pepper spray was lost at the bottom of my bag. Not the best moment for bravado. I am not a thug. I did want to comfort him, though.
Then, I proceeded to get lost in my thoughts. Why was there so much trauma around lunch? He wasn’t overweight or skinny. I wondered how many times his mother said the actual words he used while impersonating her. It made me wonder how weighty our words are in people’s lives and how they may end up replaying them for themselves until the end of time– or performing them on a train. Choose those words wisely.
He looked so normal– but clearly wasn’t. But then again, what is normal?
Abnormal
At some point this week, it dawned on me how desperately I have wanted people to see me as “normal” (whatever the hell that means) and as tough, in the past. I think that was always in the back of my mind, while growing up. I didn’t want to stand out, but then, I did, you know?
I think of all the hours I spent trying to cover my acne, stop the frizz and curling my hair for Christmas concerts at what was an all white school. I think the goal was to be cute like that girl from Love Actually. I was not. I was glittery though.
But then, you grow up, look around and decide that if this is normal and mainstream… if these are the books that grab people’s attention and the music people love– forget it. Who am I fooling?
I always loved weird and random stuff as a kid. Still do. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I could say with pride, I am not normal, and I don’t want to be. I am sensitive, serious and quirky, and you know what, THANK GOD.
I don’t think I beat the train guy on the abnormal meter, but I sat there next to him and didn’t argue with him or his “mom”. So that has to count for something, right?
Warm Up
After a day of court battles and compassion, nothing beats a winter shower. See– winter showers aren’t normal. (Again, what is?) I am someone who sometimes takes a long time to make it to the shower. I count the stars (and drones), I map out my wishes, I tuck Eddie in (if you know, you know), I read a little, I text, I check socials, I draw a little with my felt tip pen, I dillydally like a dweeb–
But in the winter, I don’t hesitate. Why? One word: Warmth. Showers in the winter are a chance to turn up the steam and stand there while the stress melts away and my goosebumps retreat. Not a day goes by where I don’t praise God for hot water. (Praise be!) My Wim Hof (the ice man) ways dwindle, and I am left with piping hot steam.
In an old pre-war cold NYC apartment, a hot shower is where you will find me. I will probably be praying the same wishes I made on those drones and wondering what is for lunch tomorrow. I, unlike the man on the train, will be eating it.
Just had a blast from the past collecting some olds writings that pre-date this blog.
I saw old comments, old posts, old photos, people from the past, people who made it to the present. I saw my old journal entries. I got a little emotional. I won’t lie. There I was, bare on the page. Bold. In some ways, clueless about the world; in other ways, wise beyond my years.
I saw love, heartbreak, confusion, hard-fought successes and prayers in disappointments. I think back at that little me, and I smile. She had no idea what life was, what was coming or how wild her life would be. A wild f-ing adventure. I am glad she grew, and at the same time, I love her and am deeply and forever rooting for her.
I was encouraging and hilarious, but at times, rough and cutting with my words. I didn’t mask my dysfunction well. I used words like “fantabulous” and “sniffle” and was seriously obsessed with Shakespeare. I always loved Jesus and knew He was right there beside me. I did my best. I had amazing and supportive people around me. In many ways, they have no idea how much their encouragement and love meant to me. They had no idea what I was living through, and in many ways, neither did I.
I saw friends from camp, friends from church, high school friends, the guy I thought I was gonna marry (and thank God I didn’t), my teachers, my rants, my speeches, my figuring it all out– it was all there. I was wrong about some stuff. I was also wildly open despite my fears and youth. In the posts, it was clear I loved people and my friendships crossed cliques and lines. Despite navigating tough moments, I was fully alive.
As I deactivated the page again, reflecting on things and images that seemed like a lifetime ago, I only had one thought–
Pain has a way of breaking us open, allowing space for us to see through the veneer at who we truly are.
We grow numb to the world; cold like porcelain— but then, suddenly, pain reminds us we are alive. Pain strikes the nerve; its force and imposition felt like a live wire.
Pain reminds us of the struggle we move through. It reminds us of the greatness we belong to.
It is odd that sometimes we forget— we forget our biggest dreams. We forget our deepest hopes. We forget our majestic fortitude. We forget the furious heartbeat we can sometimes hear pounding in our ears.
Our truest nature can be born out of the posture we maintain in pain. The open hands we maintain; the heart we leave open like a door to a place that feels like home to the weary visitor.
Pain can make us kinder, generous, softer, compassionate. Pain can make our voice and legs shake in our most valiant and grateful moments. The recipient of pain is often the holder and bestower of the greatest gift— love.
Pain continues to remind us of what is (blood-pumping life), what should be (Eden bliss) and what will be (an adventurous eternity).
She embraces us softly and whispers to us that we will emerge truer than true. We will be born old but new. The reward is great for he or she who endures.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 