“I have come to trust life completely, trust even the times when I forget how to trust at all, trust that life doesn’t always go according to plan, because there is no plan, only life, and even the times of great uncertainty hold supreme intelligence, and sometimes you have to fall to stand more fearlessly, with greater kindness.
And somehow I am always held, in a way I cannot explain and do not want to. I may be crushed yet again before too long, I may experience further seemingly insurmountable challenges and heartbreaks, but somehow I am always held. Somehow, I am always held.”
Today, Elie Wiesel passed away, at the age of 87. Most of us remember his memoirs and the Night Trilogy. That death march in the book Night is one that few forget.
I have been fascinated by Wiesel’s writing and thoughts on religion. Being a survivor of the Holocaust hints to the fact that he was Jewish (not all oppressed and killed in the Holocaust were Jewish, duly noted). I read an interesting piece about him (cited at the bottom of the post) that walked through his beliefs, as reflected in his writings. I think it’s both haunting and healing that he wrote down his experiences to share with the world. A gift, truly.
One sees several phases in his faith: His hopes of God’s intervention in the Holocaust horrors, his slight doubt once his expectations are not fulfilled, his exposition on why God’s existence cannot be denied; and then, his attempt to reconcile God’s existence and the fact that the horrors happened, which leads to many questions about where God is in the midst of our suffering.
A quote from The Gates of the Forest:
“‘How can you not believe in God after what has happened?'”([Gates], 194)
Gregor: Man’s fall is an accusation against the Creator, who bears his share of responsibility for the betrayal.
Rebbe: All the more reason to choose faith and devotion. Be pure and God will be purified in you.
Gregor: Why? I owe God nothing. Quite the contrary.
Rebbe: That’s not the question. He owes you nothing, either. You don’t live his life and he doesn’t live yours. You owe yourself something. What exactly, that’s the question. ([Gates], 196)
“For suffering contains the secret of creation and its dimension of eternity; it can be pierced only from the inside. Suffering betters some people and transfigures others. At the end of suffering, of mystery, God awaits us…” ([Gates], 201)
I actually don’t want to debate the complex question of evil in the world or where God is in our suffering. That is not the point of the post, even though it’s intertwined with what will be discussed. Coming from a Christian worldview, I see God as a God of love. When I am in pain and horrified, He is in even more pain and horrified. I do believe God feels pain for us and with us. Pain and perfection are not mutually exclusive. And our perversion of our freedom to choose has caused God much pain. Often, we have chosen pain for ourselves and those around us.
That said, we all have our questions that arise at different moments in our lives. What I do want to discuss is the notion in the quote below… The fact that we have the right to ask.
“We do not demand answers, God. But if this is the last page of the human chronicles, assure us that we had the right to ask.” ([The Six Days of Destruction], 55)
This is where I truly believe that religion is not an empty set of rules. There are guidelines for optimal living, sure. Those exist. But if they are not rooted in love for God and our fellow man, if love is not the underlying current– the guidelines and values mean nothing. Religion, true religion, is about relationship with a Creator who is far beyond all we imagine or think. It is our expectations and ideas that get in the way of seeing the image of God. Relationship means there is a dynamic. Relationships grow, stretch, shatter, heal.
God owes us nothing and does not need to give us explanations. God cannot be comprehended by our finite minds, nor do we understand His ways. God is God. He defines Himself.
“When will you understand that you are living and searching in error, because God means movement and not explanation.”([Legends of Our Time], 93).
I have not gone through anything even half as horrifying as a Holocaust. I don’t know the pain of losing a child or the anguish of facing death, face-to-face. I don’t even know where Wiesel’s journey of faith begins or ends; I don’t need to know. I do know that I see suffering every day. I see people who seem to have gone mad from all the loss and betrayal they have experienced. I have seen people be abandoned and hurt. I have experienced pain. I have seen other versions of pain. We all have.
I just wanted to speak to Wiesel’s wisdom. We may not find answers to all of our questions. No. I mean, who are we kidding? I wonder if God ever questions why we would ever choose anything other than His goodness and love… Does He wonder why we would choose hate rather than love or self destruction rather than healing?
But the beauty about a relationship with God is that it is raw and real. We have permission to ask. Our questions do not offend God. We have permission to be our flawed selves and know we are loved. We have permission to be angry with God. Look at the book of Job. Job cries out in anguish, sickness, loss, confusion and suffering. Job wrestles with God, so to speak. God, regardless of how we feel, how we misunderstand Him, how we understand Him, how we agree or disagree with Him– He is present. That is also seen in Job’s story. I think that if we look close enough, we can see His presence in each of our stories.
God doesn’t ask us to be robots or expect us to blindly accept things. He is our Creator. He has made us to feel, question, trust, hope– and more than that, He doesn’t leave us. He can restore. He can heal. I like asking questions. Maybe, when I see God face to face, I will ask him questions from my own list. But questions don’t negate the small miracles we witness and experience. Maybe we don’t get the liberation or dramatic intervention we would prefer, but this hardly leaves us abandoned and forsaken.
A child may go to a doctor to get a vaccine or stitches for an injury. The parent may hold the child’s hand and try to distract the child from the pain. The pain is still there, but so is the loving parent.
Wiesel states in The Gates of the Forest: at the end of suffering, God awaits us… I believe that God does not await us just at the end of suffering. I don’t think life is a walk in the park, even when one chooses to honor God, however…
I do believe in the God that is described by the prophet Isaiah. A God who has promised:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you…” Isaiah 43:2
So, while I walk through my own waters and flames, I will shamelessly keep asking questions. When I am angry, I may ask in anger. When I am sad, I may ask while weeping. The point is: My asking reflects the knowledge that I know He is there listening.
Inspired by (and some quotes pulled from): Elie Wiesel’s Relationship with God
By Robert E. Douglas, Jr., at: http://www.stsci.edu/~rdouglas/publications/suff/suff.html
Today, I was reminded of a friend of mine. Maybe, it’s more appropriate to use the term ex-friend.
We had a weird dynamic and a weirder falling out. We spent lots of time together. It was one of those friendships where you know how the other person thinks and his or her reasoning in arriving to certain conclusions.
Our friendship, and everything else, as stated prior, fell apart. It was a weird friendship breakup. He had a vision of what he wanted his life to be. He knew how he wanted to look, what kind of a woman he wanted draped on his arm, the parties he would attend, the kinds of “friends” he wanted to have, and the image he wanted to project. It wasn’t who he was, but that is what he wanted. What’s worse, that is what he pursued.
He decided to go for money, fake, uncaring people, clothes that was too tight and glasses that were too big. It was all about an image. An empty image. Pretty soon, that image became a world. A world that I didn’t fit into anymore. A world that didn’t work out well for him, anyway. The only difference was that at the end, I was no longer there to pick up the pieces. I simply faded. Like fog that lifts. It was liberating and unburdening. I managed to escape the black hole.
Maybe, we all have an image of what we want our lives to look like. We won’t all fit in each other’s worlds. Some of us won’t want other’s worlds. And sometimes, you meet a person whose world you are determined to be a part of. Those are the most interesting stories of all– the ones where the world’s stop being separate planets spinning side-by-side, and instead, one becomes a moon; independent but also a bright reflector of the other.
The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed the lower court decision in United States v Texas, where the court blocked Obama’s executive action to give a particular category of undocumented parents discretionary status (DAPA). SCOTUS affirmed via a tied vote, 4-4.
Next, British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned. Yes. You heard right. In a historic referendum, the U.K. voted to leave the European Union. “Brexit” has been voted for. The EU was described in an article I read this morning as a “failed political union.”
The news is sending shockwaves around the world. And the world is changing quickly. Blink, and you just might miss it!
“Your destiny isn’t the things you’re going to do, it’s the people you’re going to love.” Shawn Bolz
By: Gabriela Yareliz
I decided to take a quick break from typing up a motion. Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there.
I can’t believe the summer is evaporating this quickly. MID JUNE PEOPLE. Mid June. I am calming my hysteria. Ha. The sweet heat has finally arrived to NYC, even though our evenings and sunsets are fresh and filled with a chilly breeze. I still get cold once in a while.
A childhood friend is getting married this upcoming weekend, and there is so much to do before then.
It has been a hectic summer, so far. I don’t even know why I say that. My life is hectic, period. No matter what time, season or speed. The day my life isn’t hectic, I guess I will mention that.
I just wanted to say hello and leave some little things that have inspired me over the past few days. I have had a lot of food for thought. Many hopes. Many dreams. Many promises. Life can really surprise us.
If only we could put Windex on life.
And despite the messiness of life, I am convinced God wants to bring something great out of all of this.
Sometimes, inspiration is hard to come by. Sometimes, we are simply to preoccupied to see it. And sometimes, inspiration overwhelms us.
Wherever you are, stay inspired, my beautiful friends.
“You fall in love with the little things about someone, like the sound of their laughter and the way their smile forms.” The Weeknd
“Focus more on how much you have done, how honest it is and how it moves you forward. Focus less on how many people have seen it.” Anonymous
“She is a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes.” Charles Bukowski
“You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.” Shinji Moon
“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” Jane Goodall
I hope you find a love that says more than “good morning.” I hope you find a love that says “I’m here to stay.” And I hope that in fifty years, you’ll see that the love was true to their word.
I’ll try not to make this a rambling post, but I am just spilling out of my glass right now; overwhelmed with so much– good and bad.
I feel it has been a while since I came by these parts. Life has been insanely busy. I feel like I barely sleep, and yet in the midst of it all, I feel weirdly content, lately.
It feels like law school: productive, crazy busy, exhausted and satisfying. Taking it one day at a time has been my motto… it’s still not fully absorbed into my system, but I am getting there. I hope. I am making more of an effort to make time for the stuff that really matters to me. What makes me happy.
We never have everything figured out. Maybe that’s frustrating or maybe that is a relief. Life is a constant growth and “figuring out” process. It’s also a continual exhaustion. I am still trying to figure out how to rest more.
This week, I received a lovely gift. There is a tree being planted in my name somewhere on this planet. I find that exciting. And thank God, it’s far from my novice agricultural skills… I have been trying my hand at a lot of “window box” planting lately. A friend of mine is encouraging this by giving me plants. I have this weird hunger to see something grow and to take care of something. It brings the oddest but warm satisfaction. It all started when I was given a dead plant, and I watched it revive, after some tender love and care. It’s crazy exciting when you see something become something new; when you watch something grow.
Last weekend, while traveling, I saw the most gorgeous homes and views. I walked along a boardwalk by these majestic summer homes in Ocean City. These things always make me reflect on what is coming (I hope) in the future. It makes me think of life, stability, getting older, family, children…
An image of me, up at the crack of dawn, making gluten-free french toast for more than just one, comes to mind. What scares me is that I no longer feel that is so far away.
Time passes so quickly. Last weekend, I was at a bridal shower for a childhood friend. She is getting married. MARRIED. Unbelievable. We used to sit in princess costumes and play with Barbies. It’s mind-blowing. I just bought my plane ticket. I still have to find a pair of sparkly silver shoes. I am sure that now that I am looking for them, I will not find them. Absurdities of life. But I will try to think positively.
Life takes us on the most unexpected journeys. We learn along the way. I have realized that in life we often have a recipe in hand, and then, we realize that some things are great theoretically but that life doesn’t work according to recipes. Realizing this is always heart attack inducing, for me. You know, nothing in life has turned out the way I expected, really. It has been a surprise, one after another.
There are career struggles and growth processes that can be terribly annoying or frustrating to endure.
Take, for example, dating/ the opportunities we give certain people to make their case. I have been learning a lot about this lately, through observation.
A person can look so good on paper, but then, in reality, this person can be an unbelievable jerk, who never makes you feel safe and cares more about his shoes than the fact that you are stranded in some bad neighborhood, at night, while sick. Or there’s the one who sets everything up, but then you find out he is constantly on the lookout for the next best thing in his peripheral vision. Or the ones who want easy and fast; like life is some kind of fast-food joint. Brother, please.
Life is weird and confusing. Things can change in a minute. You also learn to take the disappointments and move on. And then, there is the unexpected good. The one who goes the extra mile when you didn’t even ask. The good you hope will work out, somehow, just like it somehow has taken you this far. There are moments in life that surprise you. Ones you didn’t see coming. Moments that are more profound than words can explain.
I have heard a fair share of magical stories and of nightmarish stories, lately. I guess that is what happens when you spend a bridal shower weekend, in one house, with a huge Latin family that has no filter in sharing stories. I have thought a lot about reality and how life unfolds. It’s messy. It’s painful. It’s also magical.
Yesterday, someone wise told me to look at my life by all the good accomplished, the gifts received and the gifts given. I’m learning every day to look at life in a new way. A better way. A more real way. Sometimes, our own expectations get in the way of the best life has to give us.
Let’s not cling only to the recipe books. After all, you can read the recipe and even try to go shopping for the list of ingredients. I know I have done this. Somehow, I always have to end up improvising a little. It all comes down to what you can find and what’s in your fridge or pantry. You can drive across town looking for that specific sauce, but if it’s not there, it’s not there. So do the best with what you have. Often, it ends up better than the instructions on the page of the book.
It’s about being real. I have learned that so many people are out of touch with reality; what is really important and valuable. I want to be real. I want to care about what’s real. What fills us, what makes us safe, what brings us hope, all of this can only be achieved with what is real.
“Sometimes you don’t need words to say what’s in your heart.” Ruth Ozeki, A Tale for the Time Being
Here is some inspiration for the week, as we continue to learn:
“We’re far worse than we ever imagined, and far more loved than we could ever dream.” Timothy Keller
“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you?” Alain de Botton, Essays in Love
By: Greer Gattuso
“Do not go back to the past. Whether it is someone you once loved, something that someone said about you, or if it’s just a mistake you made. It does no good to visit a world that you can never change; become the person you needed back then so that your future will be thankful.”
“Let’s be brave in our love so that we can show others why love matters. Because important things take courage to do.”
– T.B. LaBerge // Go Now
“Though we may create many beautiful works of art, the most important works of art to which we will ever give ourselves are the lives we live.” Erwin Raphael McManus The Artisan Soul: Crafting Your Life into a Work of Art
“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.” Rainbow Rowell (via Smile, Sugar.)
“I like the smell of earth, the touch of waves, the taste of berries, the sight of trees, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of being fully alive.” Unknown
“I watched as she turned her wounds into wisdom.”
Sean McClam
“That’s how you know you love someone, I guess. When you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.” Kaui Hart Hemmings, The Descendants
“My grandmother once told me, ‘Relationships are work, honey, and they aren’t 50/50. Some days when I get up I only feel like giving 10%, then your granddaddy has to give 90% that day. But there is always 100% love.'” Leigh Ann Lunsford
“I think people spend too much time staring into screens and not enough time […] kissing, and dancing under the moon.” Rachel Wolchin
Par Paul Almásy, Rock‘n’roll sur les quais de Paris, 1950
“He would not let the fear rise, nor hope falter, nor defeat be entered in his thoughts.”
C.S. Lewis // Dymer, Canto 3.17
By: Gabriela Yareliz
There is a very real fear that abides in many of us– a fear that He, the Almighty God of the universe may pass us by or not hear our little whimper. We may not bluntly think of such things, but this belief may permeate our reactions and expectations. We fear. Fear is an ever present force that seeps into so many parts of our lives. What if, instead of fearing about certain things, we fought for them in trust through prayer? What if instead of becoming paralyzed, we were driven to action? What if instead of trying to find ways around certain things, we just humbly accepted them and allowed God to heal our pain?
“Love is a sacrificial choice we make daily. When the going gets tough, we have to keep going forward. We choose to live each day, we choose to eat and drink water, so we must choose to love one another. Nothing is more wonderful than knowing that someone doesn’t feel “stuck with you” but rather that they have chosen to walk this journey with you and will fight for you when you are too weak to defend Yourself.” T.B. LaBerge // Go Now (via tblaberge)
About the thought above…
Sometimes, when we think about sacrificial love, we just think of it in terms of us sacrificing for another, or God sacrificing for us– but what about the things we may sacrifice for God, to show our love? It can be argued that when we give up anything for God, we are winning, regardless; but still, in our nature, in our hopes, in our hearts, there may be things that we let go of that are not small to us. They are in fact big, and we give them up to show what we are choosing and what we are loving.
“[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice.
Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way.
Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already.
Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”
C.S.Lewis – Mere Christianity (via both-seeker-and-sought)
“So why don’t I call on His name? Why do I run to this person or that person, when God is so near and will hear my faintest call? Why do I sit down to plot my own course and make my own plans? … My part is simply to obey His commands, not to direct His ways. I am His servant, not His advisor. I will call upon Him and He will deliver me.”
Charles Spurgeon, commenting on Joel 2:32 (via craigtowens)
“The real cry of all our hearts is that we need Jesus, that we need Him to restore us, to fill us, to love us, and to never leave us. Beloved, He will always answer our cries, and He will even hear our whispers; always responding with love and grace.”
T.B. LaBerge // Go Now (via tblaberge)
“I hope we have eyes to see that God is doing something we cannot see. This takes discipline, but we have help. God has a vision far greater than my sight. He has an imagination that infinitely outweighs mine.” J.S. Park
“The sun does not demand a plant to grow more quickly than it should, it simply shines and allows the plant to soak in the rays that it gives. So should our love be, never forcing but always radiating, allowing growth to happen in time.”
T.B. LaBerge // I like you and I miss you (via tblaberge)
My mint seeds that I had planted have not grown. Perhaps, it’s time to start over. It’s time to start over and continue the wait.
“Please hold on to your hope. It is in such limited supply around the world these days. Hold onto it and be proud that you are one of the ones that does.” Tyler Knott Gregson
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Rumi
It has been such a difficult year, this 2016. It has been a mess. To give credit where credit is due, there have been a fair share of miracles.
This year has mostly been characterized, however, by the twist in your stomach, heart shattered feeling that has become all too familiar. My face has felt numb more times than I can count. You know– that feeling where you try to blink back tears and your cheeks feel like they weigh 40lbs. each. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my voice breaking…
The stress has been heavy. I have to continually pray and decide whether I will drop off my burdens with God or continue lugging them. Unfortunately, I make these decisions once I feel exhausted from lifting such heavy weights.
There have been weird uncertainties and more awkward conversations than I can count. Disappointment has been a defining factor. Hope continues to spring up, in spite of harsh realities. I read a quote today that said that fearlessness is when faith outweighs fears…
Is this a weird vent session? It may certainly sound like it. Hilariously, I thought I was past that point after month 4 of 2016.
My cheeks feel heavy as I write this.
As I was waiting for the train this evening, all I could think about was how broken my little heart feels. That terrible feeling you get when you feel like you are losing a bunch of things, and you get the rug pulled out from under you. You feel like the kid who falls, knees first, on concrete and on top of that scrapes his hands.
It’s not so much everything changing or lost. Whatever. More of that will come and go. It’s not even about the wonderful things worth celebrating. There are always amazing things to celebrate and be grateful for. This post is really just about the pain felt, despite the gratitude and despite the sense of loss that may not be permanent. There is a weird in-between state where you are just standing there, wondering.
Sometimes, you are just a human whose heart aches. It aches for tragedy; it aches because of change; it just aches without a reason at all. And that’s just how it is. You feel because you are human.
Heart aching.
Rumi states that our heart has to keep breaking so that it can be open. I was thinking about that as I waited for the train. I kept thinking of all the times I felt that ache or heard the shatter. Sometimes the shatter rattles you to the bone.
Open means open, though. No blockage. Things can enter AND exit. Like an open hand. Things can land in it and things can fall.
It makes sense. I guess I can’t help but wonder whether the heart is like the hand. Is there a time when you can fully grasp and hold on tight, promising not to let go? Or is the heart always pumping out what has flowed in?
GABRIELA YARELIZ 