Heart Flow

By: Gabriela Yareliz

“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Rumi

It has been such a difficult year, this 2016. It has been a mess. To give credit where credit is due, there have been a fair share of miracles.

This year has mostly been characterized, however, by the twist in your stomach, heart shattered feeling that has become all too familiar. My face has felt numb more times than I can count. You know– that feeling where you try to blink back tears and your cheeks feel like they weigh 40lbs. each. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my voice breaking…

The stress has been heavy. I have to continually pray and decide whether I will drop off my burdens with God or continue lugging them. Unfortunately, I make these decisions once I feel exhausted from lifting such heavy weights.

There have been weird uncertainties and more awkward conversations than I can count. Disappointment has been a defining factor. Hope continues to spring up, in spite of harsh realities. I read a quote today that said that fearlessness is when faith outweighs fears…

Is this a weird vent session? It may certainly sound like it. Hilariously, I thought I was past that point after month 4 of 2016.

My cheeks feel heavy as I write this.

As I was waiting for the train this evening, all I could think about was how broken my little heart feels. That terrible feeling you get when you feel like you are losing a bunch of things, and you get the rug pulled out from under you. You feel like the kid who falls, knees first, on concrete and on top of that scrapes his hands.

It’s not so much everything changing or lost. Whatever. More of that will come and go. It’s not even about the wonderful things worth celebrating. There are always amazing things to celebrate and be grateful for. This post is really just about the pain felt, despite the gratitude and despite the sense of loss that may not be permanent. There is a weird in-between state where you are just standing there, wondering.

Sometimes, you are just a human whose heart aches. It aches for tragedy; it aches because of change; it just aches without a reason at all. And that’s just how it is. You feel because you are human.
Heart aching.

Rumi states that our heart has to keep breaking so that it can be open. I was thinking about that as I waited for the train. I kept thinking of all the times I felt that ache or heard the shatter. Sometimes the shatter rattles you to the bone.

Open means open, though. No blockage. Things can enter AND exit. Like an open hand. Things can land in it and things can fall.

It makes sense. I guess I can’t help but wonder whether the heart is like the hand. Is there a time when you can fully grasp and hold on tight, promising not to let go? Or is the heart always pumping out what has flowed in?

Thursday Badinage: May 19, 2016

I am stuck in a long line that is not moving. So painful. So, I thought I would catch up on some reading materials. I saw this quote on the lovely Kusha Alagband’s Instagram.

“I am not quite sure if I believe in the Law of Attraction. There were things I wanted in my life that no amount of positive thinking was going to make it a reality for me. However, I think the law of tough love is making more sense to me these days. Life has thrown a few curve balls my way… I did what anyone would do.. prayed and meditated for the outcome I wanted, but God was tough and only gave me what I needed. I now realize that life is not about fulfilling a wish list; rather a need list. Good and bad experiences are ahead of all of us. How else does a person change, grow and evolve? And just like any warrior woman, I won’t simply survive– but thrive and so will you.” @KushaAlagband

I am in court. Two toddler girls became friends. One girl was sad she had to go without a proper goodbye from her new friend. Amazing. Little kids fostering friendships in a place filled with so much anger, racism, sexism and sadness. It was a weirdly emotional reminder to the rest of us dying in this eternal line…

Reflections Before Bedtime #86

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I hope we can remember, as Job did, that God’s majesty is unsearchable… “By His power He stilled the sea…” (Job 26:12)

Job basically says that as long as we have breath in us, the spirit of God is in our nostrils (Job 27:3). May we hold fast to wisdom and hold on to His mighty hand.

For it is by His light that we walk through darkness. (Job 29:3)

 

Monday Inspiration: May 16, 2016

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Some stuff that has made me smile over the past few days…

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”
After the Storm, Mumford & Sons

“I saw you with tears in your eyes, I saw you with laughter in your heart, and I loved you all the more because of who you are. Just as I love the you that is cloaked in the beauty of the day and the you that is covered in the unknowns of the night, I love you with all that is in me.
I love not a thought, I love you, and all the things that make you, you.
Time will make strangers of us all, but I know that we shall be together, remembering the warmth that comes with our kisses and the reassurance that we are walking hand and hand toward something lasting and good.”
T.B. LaBerge // I love you and I miss you

“Dreams help me find the words I haven’t said…” ElektraRecords

“How often have I said to you, that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however impossible, must be truth.” Sherlock Holmes

A Love That Seeks

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This morning, I was reading about how God loves and pursues us. The way He romances our souls and goes after us.

“Marriage stands for the creation of unity among two people who were once separated in every way before love reached out and found the other– the way God reached out and found us, and covenanted with us, and loved us, and despite who we are, despite what we’re like, still loves us.” Fervent, by Priscilla Shrier, pg. 76

“Sometimes love isn’t firecrackers. Sometimes love just comes softly.” Janette Oke

“I never, till now, had a friend who could give me repose; all have disturbed me, and, whether for pleasure or pain, it was still disturbance. But peace overflows from your heart into mine.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne, letter to Sophia Hawthorne

“I will love you forever; whatever happens. Till I die and after I die. And when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, till I find you again…” Phillip Pullman

“In true love, we don’t play hide and seek.. Instead we seek one another!” 💙🙏 @KushaAlagband

God is the ultimate seeker. He never gives up. He keeps going until He finds us. He conquered death and has our names engraved on His palms. He infuses peace in our souls. He is love; and love is patient and kind. It never fails.

Friday Glee: May 13, 2016

@kushaalagband: “I was just thinking how amazing it would be to think if you personified love in someone’s mind. What better compliment could we ever hear, than for someone to say, that we are their personification of love? I think it’s something that is not too often said, but oh that it was, and more, that there were more reason to say it.”

Thursday Badinage: May 12, 2016

By: Gabriela Yareliz

God promises, “I will heal your faithlessness.” Jeremiah 3:22

I pray God heals my unbelief and gives me more of the gift of faith.

“Behold, we come to You, for You are the Lord our God.” Jeremiah 3:22

His is the honor, the glory, the power. All things are in Him and through Him.

There is nothing to fear.

Reflections Before Bedtime #85

A remix of what is in my brain…

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Don’t see yourself through the eyes of others. There will be times where others will think you have suffered a great loss, but you are actually winning. And there are moments when you look like you are winning, but you are miserable.
Diane von Furstenberg (paraphrase)

“Those who think adventure is dangerous, let them try routine– it kills you ahead of time.” Paulo Coelho

“Wisdom and experience don’t transform man. Time does not transform man. The only thing that transforms a man is love.” Paulo Coelho

Cat Stevens was right… Oh baby, baby it’s a wild world… It’s hard to get by just upon a smile…

Are You The One?

“Are you the one who is to come? Or shall we look for another?” Luke 7:19

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Those were the words spoken by John’s messengers. John the Baptist, that is. Yes. I know what you are thinking. John the Baptist, the same guy Bible movies portray as a lunatic caveman, with hair that makes Einstein’s hair look like it needed more volume.

I kind of have John the Baptist hair right now, as I am typing this, still slightly sick and disheveled. Anyway…

John the Baptist gets portrayed terribly, but he was a simple man who was called to live plainly and do difficult things. He was called, not only to prepare the way for his cousin Jesus, the Messiah, but he was also called to break difficult news to difficult people. You try telling the ruler of where you live that his adulterous relationship is wrong. Talk about calling out people and keeping it real…

Jesus himself said about John, “I tell you that among those born of women, none is greater than John…” (Luke 7:28). John had an incredible humility, simplicity and mission.

So, John lived his simple life; called people to follow a straight path; baptized people, and lived a pretty solitary life (as most great men do). At the end of his life, he was imprisoned. And then he is killed because of a malicious request from a pretty young woman, who requested his head on a platter at a drunken night party (true story, see, Matthew 14).

Nothing seemed to make sense. The life of a great man was going to come to an end because a young, pretty dancer said “Give me the head of John the Baptist here in a platter.” (Matthew 14:8). The young dancer was the daughter of the women having an affair with Herod (the ruler). It seems the adulterous woman had had enough of hearing about her adulterous ways, and she wanted John dead. It’s weird how we often try to silence our conscience in the most erroneous ways.

Before what seems like the senseless end of his life, however, John sent some friends to find his cousin, Jesus. He sent friends because he was in prison. He sent them to ask the very question this post begins with. John the Baptist had baptized Jesus and heard heaven itself declare Jesus’ divinity. (Matthew 3:17).

John sent friends to ask Jesus, even after all he had witnessed. The question was whether Jesus was the one all had been waiting for.

I am not focusing on John’s doubt to judge him. Not even close. John was probably in a very unexpected place. He was in that place where all your worst fears come true.

I think that just like life often makes us share in John the Baptist’s bad hair days, we also, at times, share in his doubt. Life rocks us, and rocks us hard. Sometimes, we may find ourselves in our very own jail (perhaps not literal, but we are trapped, alone, cold and scared). We find ourselves in jail, and we forget the very voice of heaven we have perhaps heard in the past. We are in our own dark prison, and we begin to look up and say, “God, are you there?” “Are you the one who is to come, or shall I look for another?”

As I have mentioned before, so many times, our perspective is limited to what we see in front of us and our circumstances that fog the rest of the horizon. We sit alone, wondering whether we have made a grave mistake, while knowing full well all that we have lived up to that point.

When Jesus received the question from John’s messengers, He didn’t rebuke John. He didn’t say, “Are you serious? John is doubting me now! Really?!” He didn’t even say, “Doesn’t he remember the voice that spoke at my baptism, the voice that boomed out of heaven?”

None of that.

Instead of pointing to clear past evidence, Jesus pointed to what He was doing in the present. Jesus, in that very hour, had healed many people and bestowed sight to the blind, scripture states. (Luke 7:21).

Jesus said to the messengers, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.” (Luke 7:22-23)

And it is after this conversation that Jesus calls John the Baptist a great man.

Jesus pointed to what He was doing in that very moment. John was going to hear about all the miracles, including the conquering of death, itself. What seemed to be John’s end (his head on the platter) wouldn’t be, because Jesus sent a reminder that what looks like the end is not the end because He is the One.

Are you sitting in a jail today? Are you wondering where God is or whether it’s time to seek another? Jesus is healing, moving and doing– even while you are in your prison. He wants you to know He is restoring things and making all things new. What seems like the end, is not the end because He lives.

Our humility and trust in God, even in the most difficult hours, take us a long way. He does not rebuke our questioning and heartache. Instead, He tells us to look closely at all His hand is doing.

There is a promise and statement for you and me, tied in here with John, too:

“I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John. Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he.” (Luke 7:28).

Think of all you have seen and heard. Never forget.