I still allow others to shade my day. It’s a human problem. I am actively and intentionally trying to shift this. Maybe it helps to think of energy like a bank. Or a nice little snack drawer.
What lead me to this thought was Dr. Caroline Leaf saying, “Frustration takes up energy.” That sounds basic. But it is so true. What are we expending energy on?
Allowing others to influence how we feel is like letting them come in and take from our bank or letting them steal our snacks from our snack drawer.
We should only give energy to that which deserves it. It’s time to take inventory of what is taking our energy (aka snacks).
“You must always be prepared to place a bet on yourself, on your future, by heading in a direction that others seem to fear. This means you believe that if you fail, you have the inner resources to recover.”
ROBERT GREENE
I love the thought of “heading in a direction that others seem to fear.” This concept, with wisdom and discernment, has been a recipe for greatness, for being a change-maker. To bet on yourself means you trust yourself. It means you have kept enough promises to yourself.
Every day, we have the opportunity to build that trust. Every day, we have the opportunity to take steps toward that which others fear. Every day, we prepare and keep building the future. The future is built in the present.
The Lively vs. Baldoni lawsuit/case in the court of the public opinion is heating up. Most of us following are glued to the updates from Candace Owens who now has sources one the inside revealing the story. She has about 95% of it, according to one insider.
The story has revealed that something tipped off Blake Lively’s husband, Ryan Reynolds, into a spiral of jealousy and desire to control the situation, humiliate Blake Lively and destroy Justin Baldoni. Seems like the story is Blake “caught feelings” on set for her co-star Baldoni, and her husband went on a rampage and started supervising her. This always ends badly— does anyone remember Sofia Vergara with Joe Manganiello? Eeeh.
If you want to start at the beginning, you can start with HouseinHabit’s recap of the initial Candace Owens findings— for the rest— check out Candace Owens on socials. She has even found moments on film from the promotion of the film that had nothing to do with promo but are instead just unscripted concerning rage rants. Justin Baldoni’s court filings are public record, so you can read that, too.
It’s weird to see a man spiraling and destroying his marriage and career on the national stage. But while it’s weird because these are wealthy celebrities we hold distance from, we see this all the time in regular life. People who need to control everything and spiral when the unexpected happens. People who think controlling and manipulating is love. (And it’s not). There are many Ryan Reynolds out in the world.
I think in the past, to start a divorce was so frowned upon and judged. Yet now, we realize many likely did it to save sanity and dignity. Seems Scarlett Johansson was judged harshly when she divorced Ryan Reynolds, but now she is looking like a woman who saved herself and ran from a psychopath. Johnny Depp had a long road to freedom in the eyes of the public, narrowly escaping his own abusive marriage. I don’t know if the Reynolds will divorce, but it is looking bleak.
This mess of a situation brought me back to this Tara Schuster passage I resonated a lot with:
“It takes a confident person to love fully. (…) The way a person treats you has almost nothing to do with you. It’s about them and their limitations.” Tara Schuster
I don’t know what will happen here. We are all watching. And with celebrities, we can watch them for life lessons (not purely for gossip). This is what Shallon Lester on YouTube has dedicated herself to.
I have never really liked the Lively-Reynolds duo, personally (doesn’t matter if I did, but simply not a fan). The fact that she is close friends with Taylor Swift makes her wildly unlikable to me. At first, I just felt like Baldoni was wronged, and now I am starting to feel for Blake, if in fact her husband went nuts on her. It does seem like she is in an abusive situation, and she will need to make some decisions.
I think one of the biggest lessons we can take with love, given that relationships involve a whole other person that you cannot control (contrary to what Ryan Reynolds thinks), is to live with open hands. Ultimately, people are free. You cannot control another. Control is not love.
And on the flip side, if you are in a bad situation, the most loving thing you can do is take yourself out of the abuse. Be confident enough to know that you can’t fix the person or the situation, and rescue yourself.
To love is to risk loss. And this fact will never change.
“Listen to people you care about. Sometimes, they are stumbling toward enlightenment.” Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
I like to think that we are all stumbling toward enlightenment on our separate paths that cross, at our own paces. The key to a solid relationship— one of the key ways people change and we change— is when we listen. Listening is a skill we develop.
We need to listen with a posture of grace and humility. Something so simple is so powerful. It’s a marker of our experience. A snapshot of growth in real time. It shows we care.
“If you are scared of it, it controls you.” Dr. John Delony
Yesterday, someone started a conversation with me like this, “Not to be an alarmist but…” The whole conversation was rooted in fear and panic. I watched this person sort of stunned at the level of panic. People are so afraid they can’t even see their fear in plain sight.
Fear is a powerful thing. They say it’s responsible for a lot of the reprehensible acts and behavior and how we treat each other nowadays. Our tribalism, our refusal to allow people different opinions without strong judgment— all of it is some weird cocktail of fear and pride.
Fear can be useful for a real threat, but it’s only useful if we are discerning with it, and it spurs us to action. It impairs us otherwise. It can have us miss out on things; it paralyzes us; it controls us.
How do we use fear in the right way? I think Dr. John Delony nails it in the post/quote below:
Fear should spur us to action. I heard somewhere that the greatest investment is simply doing something. Action. That is why the Nike slogan is one of the most powerful of all time— “Just do it.” Mel Robbins says the word “Just” adds a relatable humanity to the slogan. We all face fear and resistance, but what leads to greatness is the action taken after the emotional is felt.
Don’t live panicked. Live free. (Just) do it.
“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” Rosa Luxemburg
I think everyone is sick. On the subway, people cough on you with no mercy. By the time you get to work, you feel like a petri dish. The air is so dry and cold, your hands and face hurt. Your eyes sting. The radiator becomes a necessary enemy. Winter.
Despite the fact that we walk around loaded with heavy coats, bags and boots, almost slipping on icy sidewalks— winter invites us to rest.
It’s cliche. And yet— I still, at times, find myself spinning my wheels and dragging myself around. On top of that, as everyone coughed on each other this morning, I kept thinking about how most of these people would tell a sick person to stay home and rest, and apparently, they hate themselves because they were definitely on their way to work in their death bed stretcher.
Imagine— I start passing out supplements on the train. Kidding. But this would be iconic. People take weed and drugs from strangers. Why not elderberry?
This is your sign to plan some downtime. Make hot tea, sit in the glow of a candle, use the nice lotion, eat something piping hot, read a wonderful book— I am currently enjoying Tara Schuster’s book below.
What do we need to retreat from? We often focus on what drains our energy, but what builds it? Make a list. Schedule that energy-giving list. You deserve to spend time wintering.
I am a vomiter. If I am not feeing well, one of the first signs is I am nauseated. As someone with a sensitive stomach, it’s a familiar feeling.
When one studies conscientiousness in psychology, one hears about the element of disgust. I found this interesting. When we think of disgust, we think of a cringing facial expression or someone vomiting. Take a minute and think about something disgusting. You will probably flinch.
Vomiting expels toxins. It keeps out pathogens, as Jordan B. Peterson teaches. It keeps us pure. It cleans us out.
Disgust plays a big role in order. Disgust is often perceived as fear, but it’s not fear, Jordan B. Peterson explains. To maintain order and draw boundaries, you must be disgusted or guarded against something that will destroy or taint something you desire to protect.
One could easily argue that part of society’s problem is its lack of disgust and lack of guarding against certain things. If everything is acceptable, nothing remains pure or set apart. Everything becomes infected with a pathogen that may be lethal.
Is there anything we need to re-cultivate disgust for? Are there pathogens we need to expel? Have we become unbalanced?Perhaps disgust is worth revisiting.
“Positive emotion moves you forward toward desired goals.” Jordan B Peterson
Why be intentional with our emotions? Believe it or not, our emotions serve us almost like a flame. It can extinguish us or burn bright and bring us light.
When you have a worthy goal or purpose, you need some level of hope and positivity to propel you forward. You need something to illuminate your path. When you look at the exceptional, they are sometimes at certain intervals seen as delusional because of what they see or hold onto.
Often, wise delusion makes the dream reality. How can you bring light and positivity into your day, today? Start today, and keep some healthy delusion burning bright. Run the propeller.
“Forget what your mom thought was important for you. To hell with what your first boss said you should be. Get really clear on being the person YOU approve of and want to be.” Tara Schuster
I have this syndrome where I often react adversely to what other people think, but I seek it out anyway. (Fun, right?) I pay for coaching programs. I have gone to therapy. (These have been immensely helpful at different intervals of my life/career!) I have suffered miserably under dysfunctional work regimes and bold stupidity. (I have sought acceptance from the same leaders who fostered the dysfunction and stupidity). I have often felt the rejection of people close to me and craved their acceptance and affirmation. I have taken big risks for new beginnings. This is all true.
Despite the natural craving to seek affirmation, I have often, in my own way, bucked whatever people thought I should do. It dawned on me recently that maybe I should stop asking people their opinion. (Sometimes, I get it without solicitation, but I do, at times, solicit as well). The funny thing is that it’s our natural tendency to crowdsource. Not doing so feels unnatural. And while coaching is allegedly for you to come to your own answers, there is a reason why we pick the coach we pick and the group we surround ourselves with. We seek their wisdom.
I had a friend during the pandemic who needed to crowdsource her every decision— vacation or no vacation? Mask or no mask for this event? Should this unvaccinated friend be excommunicated or nah? (We ran into issues here). Eventually, I got annoyed, and we drifted apart. But we all become like this friend sometimes.
On the flip side —life has taught me to trust myself. Truth is, had I listened to other people in the past or just acted to not feel their wrath or disapproval, I would not be here (whatever here is, for better or worse). I once had a mentor I admired a lot as a teen find me on LinkedIn (sixteen years later) and apologize for how he trashed my dreams. He trashed them hard. Even spiritualized it. As a searching adolescent with major abandonment issues, this was hard to ignore when it happened, but I did it anyway thanks to my defiant streak. (This streak has been more of a blessing than a curse. It has saved my butt many times. So parents, if your daughter has a defiant streak, don’t tell her to be softer or more acceptable. Embrace it as something that will protect her and help her stand up for herself and others. You won’t always be right, but you will be sincere). I knew he wasn’t going to pay my bills or rescue me from anything so screw that, a sixteen-year-old me had thought.
Me, eventually discarding what other people think doesn’t mean I am immune to what other people offer, though. You can feel people’s judgment without words. I recall many instances where a younger me numbed my own thoughts and desires or changed my plans to not have a confrontation with an authority figure I so desperately wanted approval from. (And I am a deeply confrontational person— so I can only imagine others who aren’t).
So that’s where I have been for a long time— waffling in between my resistance to whatever people wanted or thought was right and my hope to be respected and accepted (I think that’s what it comes down to) by people I valued. The way religion is weaponized also plays a big role in how we accept or reject information as we grow up, if you grow up in religious environments.
As we grow into adults, we learn a lot of things. One thing I have learned is this dynamic doesn’t work.
Here is some stuff I have pieced together:
First, people advise you based on their own framework of what a good and acceptable life is. Because the truth is everyone has their own idea of success and respect. People measure and weigh acceptance differently. People weigh comfort and risk differently. And people have to live up to whatever is right for them. One life path isn’t bad, it’s just not what you may want for yourself. What is acceptable to one person may be death by a thousand cuts to another. And that is ok.
So, the first step is knowing what you are willing to do and not willing to do. What your values and desires are. Then, chase them hard in whatever way that looks. Don’t compare them to everyone else’s risk management chart. (These exist!)
A value I have found to be key for me, especially in career things, is what Seth Godin wrote as:
“Selfish is easy.
Short term is easy.
Complacent is easy.
Turning our head and ignoring the problem is easy.
Going along to get along is easy.
But easy isn’t the point.
Better is.
Challenging the status quo is difficult, and worth it.”
Find your own values and write them down. Write your own mission statement.
Second, they say don’t take advice from someone whose life you don’t want. I take this pretty seriously these days. I have found that may even include my coach, who I pay to advise me. This would have made me deeply uncomfortable before. It did for a while. Still does at certain times, but I am trying to be ok with that.
Third, when we crowdsource, people’s advice often comes from wanting to protect us (or it could have other less-obvious motivations). So, unless that person is an incredible expert at what you want or are considering, maybe don’t seek affirmation or guidance from them. People need to be put into buckets for what they can offer. If you find someone repeatedly makes you feel small, they are not on the team playing on the field, you know? Maybe have them sit in the bleachers and watch the game, instead.
Sometimes, I sit in group coaching calls scribbling notes, and other times, I ask myself what the hell I am doing there.
At the end of the day, we just have to be ok with the fact that nobody knows. We don’t know, and they (the group we try to crowdsource from) don’t know. And if I am gonna pick who to listen to, I guess I pick me, as uncomfortable as that makes me. And honestly, not out of arrogance (I have made plenty of mistakes), but out of radical responsibility.
I truly think a major motivation of sharing things and seeking opinions is we crave acceptance or affirmation we don’t have or haven’t had (or both). We, at times, crave validation we won’t give ourselves. Sometimes, we crowdsource to pass the ball and not be responsible. It’s easy to follow advice, and then, blame someone for the guidance we followed. It’s a slippery slope. Sometimes, we crowdsource to excuse our decisions or actions. We are uncomfortable with our own agency. It’s strange, but true.
Figuring things out according to your values (and no one else’s) is alarmingly lonely. We must come to realize that if people aren’t impressed or accepting of you by now, they never will be and that’s ok. If you are always the villain, you will be the villain. If you are typically wrong to others, that won’t change either. There is also the realization that most people are afraid. They are afraid of their own shadows. So why do we seek their timid guidance? Whatever. I think coaching and crowdsourcing’s highest value is when we use it to challenge ourselves into growth. That’s it.
And maybe— no one needs to understand you. If they don’t care enough to respect your essence, they likely never will. (Out of your control!) We seek understanding from those who don’t understand themselves. Maybe, we just need to understand ourselves. We are funny as humans. Often seeking externally what is only found internally.
We try to crowdsource what only God and our own brain can give to us. And that is free. That’s all we need. Everyone else needs to worry about their own lane. And notice I said God, not a church, temple or small group. God. That’s it.
We often speak about the importance of community— and this has its place. But there is often groupthink, status quo, insanity, crushed dreams, self-justification and abuse in community. Community can numb us from excelling into our God-given potential. Healthy community is key. There is nuance here.
Next time we surf on the wave of public opinion, hopefully, we catch ourselves and think— is this the wave I want to ride? Ride the ones you want and are prepared to ride. It may be one people think you are crazy for chasing— but in the end, the only opinion that matters is the one on the board.
Image from Redbull
“Do not look for the approval of someone you think will make you approve of yourself. Approve of yourself first, just as you are.” Tara Schuster
The other day, I opened my weather app and the image above popped up. I was nowhere near Chinatown, and the phone was clearly not registering where I was. This may have been a signal issue, or a loud sigh from my phone given I have refused to update the software for I don’t know how many months(my resistance MO) — regardless, it had no idea where I was. I was delighted.
My friend recently sent me a video of footage from a 2008 prom. Not a phone in sight, as this was pre-iPhone era for high schoolers. Just people living in the moment. I miss those days off the grid. We would run around, and if we were determined, no one could find us.
So when I saw my phone thought I was in Chinatown, I was filled with defiant delight. I felt human. Suddenly, without the tracking of a screen, life felt wildly real. We should go back to that.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 