“Positive emotion moves you forward toward desired goals.” Jordan B Peterson
Why be intentional with our emotions? Believe it or not, our emotions serve us almost like a flame. It can extinguish us or burn bright and bring us light.
When you have a worthy goal or purpose, you need some level of hope and positivity to propel you forward. You need something to illuminate your path. When you look at the exceptional, they are sometimes at certain intervals seen as delusional because of what they see or hold onto.
Often, wise delusion makes the dream reality. How can you bring light and positivity into your day, today? Start today, and keep some healthy delusion burning bright. Run the propeller.
“Forget what your mom thought was important for you. To hell with what your first boss said you should be. Get really clear on being the person YOU approve of and want to be.” Tara Schuster
I have this syndrome where I often react adversely to what other people think, but I seek it out anyway. (Fun, right?) I pay for coaching programs. I have gone to therapy. (These have been immensely helpful at different intervals of my life/career!) I have suffered miserably under dysfunctional work regimes and bold stupidity. (I have sought acceptance from the same leaders who fostered the dysfunction and stupidity). I have often felt the rejection of people close to me and craved their acceptance and affirmation. I have taken big risks for new beginnings. This is all true.
Despite the natural craving to seek affirmation, I have often, in my own way, bucked whatever people thought I should do. It dawned on me recently that maybe I should stop asking people their opinion. (Sometimes, I get it without solicitation, but I do, at times, solicit as well). The funny thing is that it’s our natural tendency to crowdsource. Not doing so feels unnatural. And while coaching is allegedly for you to come to your own answers, there is a reason why we pick the coach we pick and the group we surround ourselves with. We seek their wisdom.
I had a friend during the pandemic who needed to crowdsource her every decision— vacation or no vacation? Mask or no mask for this event? Should this unvaccinated friend be excommunicated or nah? (We ran into issues here). Eventually, I got annoyed, and we drifted apart. But we all become like this friend sometimes.
On the flip side —life has taught me to trust myself. Truth is, had I listened to other people in the past or just acted to not feel their wrath or disapproval, I would not be here (whatever here is, for better or worse). I once had a mentor I admired a lot as a teen find me on LinkedIn (sixteen years later) and apologize for how he trashed my dreams. He trashed them hard. Even spiritualized it. As a searching adolescent with major abandonment issues, this was hard to ignore when it happened, but I did it anyway thanks to my defiant streak. (This streak has been more of a blessing than a curse. It has saved my butt many times. So parents, if your daughter has a defiant streak, don’t tell her to be softer or more acceptable. Embrace it as something that will protect her and help her stand up for herself and others. You won’t always be right, but you will be sincere). I knew he wasn’t going to pay my bills or rescue me from anything so screw that, a sixteen-year-old me had thought.
Me, eventually discarding what other people think doesn’t mean I am immune to what other people offer, though. You can feel people’s judgment without words. I recall many instances where a younger me numbed my own thoughts and desires or changed my plans to not have a confrontation with an authority figure I so desperately wanted approval from. (And I am a deeply confrontational person— so I can only imagine others who aren’t).
So that’s where I have been for a long time— waffling in between my resistance to whatever people wanted or thought was right and my hope to be respected and accepted (I think that’s what it comes down to) by people I valued. The way religion is weaponized also plays a big role in how we accept or reject information as we grow up, if you grow up in religious environments.
As we grow into adults, we learn a lot of things. One thing I have learned is this dynamic doesn’t work.
Here is some stuff I have pieced together:
First, people advise you based on their own framework of what a good and acceptable life is. Because the truth is everyone has their own idea of success and respect. People measure and weigh acceptance differently. People weigh comfort and risk differently. And people have to live up to whatever is right for them. One life path isn’t bad, it’s just not what you may want for yourself. What is acceptable to one person may be death by a thousand cuts to another. And that is ok.
So, the first step is knowing what you are willing to do and not willing to do. What your values and desires are. Then, chase them hard in whatever way that looks. Don’t compare them to everyone else’s risk management chart. (These exist!)
A value I have found to be key for me, especially in career things, is what Seth Godin wrote as:
“Selfish is easy.
Short term is easy.
Complacent is easy.
Turning our head and ignoring the problem is easy.
Going along to get along is easy.
But easy isn’t the point.
Better is.
Challenging the status quo is difficult, and worth it.”
Find your own values and write them down. Write your own mission statement.
Second, they say don’t take advice from someone whose life you don’t want. I take this pretty seriously these days. I have found that may even include my coach, who I pay to advise me. This would have made me deeply uncomfortable before. It did for a while. Still does at certain times, but I am trying to be ok with that.
Third, when we crowdsource, people’s advice often comes from wanting to protect us (or it could have other less-obvious motivations). So, unless that person is an incredible expert at what you want or are considering, maybe don’t seek affirmation or guidance from them. People need to be put into buckets for what they can offer. If you find someone repeatedly makes you feel small, they are not on the team playing on the field, you know? Maybe have them sit in the bleachers and watch the game, instead.
Sometimes, I sit in group coaching calls scribbling notes, and other times, I ask myself what the hell I am doing there.
At the end of the day, we just have to be ok with the fact that nobody knows. We don’t know, and they (the group we try to crowdsource from) don’t know. And if I am gonna pick who to listen to, I guess I pick me, as uncomfortable as that makes me. And honestly, not out of arrogance (I have made plenty of mistakes), but out of radical responsibility.
I truly think a major motivation of sharing things and seeking opinions is we crave acceptance or affirmation we don’t have or haven’t had (or both). We, at times, crave validation we won’t give ourselves. Sometimes, we crowdsource to pass the ball and not be responsible. It’s easy to follow advice, and then, blame someone for the guidance we followed. It’s a slippery slope. Sometimes, we crowdsource to excuse our decisions or actions. We are uncomfortable with our own agency. It’s strange, but true.
Figuring things out according to your values (and no one else’s) is alarmingly lonely. We must come to realize that if people aren’t impressed or accepting of you by now, they never will be and that’s ok. If you are always the villain, you will be the villain. If you are typically wrong to others, that won’t change either. There is also the realization that most people are afraid. They are afraid of their own shadows. So why do we seek their timid guidance? Whatever. I think coaching and crowdsourcing’s highest value is when we use it to challenge ourselves into growth. That’s it.
And maybe— no one needs to understand you. If they don’t care enough to respect your essence, they likely never will. (Out of your control!) We seek understanding from those who don’t understand themselves. Maybe, we just need to understand ourselves. We are funny as humans. Often seeking externally what is only found internally.
We try to crowdsource what only God and our own brain can give to us. And that is free. That’s all we need. Everyone else needs to worry about their own lane. And notice I said God, not a church, temple or small group. God. That’s it.
We often speak about the importance of community— and this has its place. But there is often groupthink, status quo, insanity, crushed dreams, self-justification and abuse in community. Community can numb us from excelling into our God-given potential. Healthy community is key. There is nuance here.
Next time we surf on the wave of public opinion, hopefully, we catch ourselves and think— is this the wave I want to ride? Ride the ones you want and are prepared to ride. It may be one people think you are crazy for chasing— but in the end, the only opinion that matters is the one on the board.
Image from Redbull
“Do not look for the approval of someone you think will make you approve of yourself. Approve of yourself first, just as you are.” Tara Schuster
The other day, I opened my weather app and the image above popped up. I was nowhere near Chinatown, and the phone was clearly not registering where I was. This may have been a signal issue, or a loud sigh from my phone given I have refused to update the software for I don’t know how many months(my resistance MO) — regardless, it had no idea where I was. I was delighted.
My friend recently sent me a video of footage from a 2008 prom. Not a phone in sight, as this was pre-iPhone era for high schoolers. Just people living in the moment. I miss those days off the grid. We would run around, and if we were determined, no one could find us.
So when I saw my phone thought I was in Chinatown, I was filled with defiant delight. I felt human. Suddenly, without the tracking of a screen, life felt wildly real. We should go back to that.
Yesterday, I was reading about a woman— I think she was Jamaican— who was seeking opportunity a long time ago (in Jamaica). Maybe three generations ago. It talked about one scholarship available sponsored by the British government. If you weren’t chosen, you had to expense the rest of it yourself in real time. There were no student loans or additional help.
Reading this perspective flipped something in my mind. Student loans, for those of us who have them, are the bane of our existence. But wow would life be different without them. For many (not from wealthy families), upward mobility and education would be a far away dream. How fortunate are we to have a system, while imperfect, that allows us to chase our dreams and chase them hard, no matter our skin color, background or family? Looking at other countries and other times certainly highlights what we take for granted or even complain about.
In that moment, as I was reading, I thought “How lucky am I? How lucky were my parents?”
It takes responsibility and hard work to manage them, but they have certainly made crazy things possible. In that same book, I read about how just seventy years ago, if you weren’t a Nordic male attorney responding to an ad, you probably weren’t getting a good legal job.
It’s a country filled with opportunity and enough self-awareness and correction to evolve.
This morning, I was reflecting on the following quote- which I think is from Peaky Blinders. Inspiring Irish gangsters. Leaving it here for your own reflection:
“It takes grace to remain kind in cruel situations. Kindness isn’t weak. It’s the quiet rule of strength. When the world shows its teeth, snarling and ready to bite, it’s easy to grow claws in return. Grace stands battered and bruised and still chooses to extend an open hand. That’s the real fight. To stay soft, to stay human, when life tries to harden you into something less. Grace is the armor of the brave. Worn not for glory, but for the soul.” Alfie
“It’s an amazing trigger within human nature, the minute someone acknowledges their flaws, not only do we tend to forgive them, but we actually come to admire them.” Mark Manson
By: Gabriela Yareliz
We do some weird things to appear flawless to others. We reframe, we pretend like change isn’t a thing (of circumstance or mind), some lie— but then, if someone calls us a perfectionist, we insist that this is not who we are, despite our desperation to appear so, our hunger for validation, and our frustration when we make simple mistakes. It’s human nature to be self-protective; to know that putting the best foot forward has social rewards. We love an illusion or myth. We want to be it.
The irony is that the person who tries to appear the most flawless is usually the person you dislike intensely (this includes if it is you). It’s usually the boss who will throw you under the bus; the colleague who refuses to take accountability; the person with the fake smile who refuses to acknowledge something obvious is wrong; the self-righteous person who needs the cocktail of victimhood and sainthood mixed; the politician who denies his/her easily verifiable record. And why do we dislike the person who displays this attitude? Because it’s not true. It makes them a liar. It’s disingenuous. We see through it. We see through it, even when it is our own posture.
We run from humility like it’s a toxin that destroys our image, while in reality, the toxin is our perfectionism. It’s easier to see and despise the perfectionism in another and harder to see how we cling to it. We would do well to see it because it’s an ingredient in self-loathing and disappointment.
I agree with Mark Manson that the person who acknowledges the flaw receives our compassion and forgiveness— our deep-seated grace. And more than that, our admiration. It’s in our nature to admire courage. Recognize those around you who display the courage. Embody the courage yourself. Be human. Be true. Be admirable.
The NY Rangers had a strong and consistent losing streak in 2024. It looks like we are finally leaving that behind. You know who didn’t look like he was losing with the NY Rangers?
Forward Vincent Trocheck.
Someone make this man captain already. The team has no official leadership, and I am telling you, Trocheck deserves it.
Not only does he come out and play every game, but he has good energy. The man looks delighted all the time. That is contagious. I wouldn’t say he is “happy” 24/7, but he is enthusiastic. You watch that man, and what pops into your head is ‘what a nice way to exist.’ He gives his squirrely smile from the bench and always looks up at the screen replays. He stands at the exit and taps all of his teammates as they get off the ice.
I am always looking for the players who have presence and influence. Matt Rempe (my personal fav) comes out on ice, and all of Madison Square Garden chants and shakes.
I am realizing Trocheck carries a lot of presence, and importantly, he has it with his team.
He reminds me that a delighted existence, no matter the circumstance, is possible. An enthusiastic existence doesn’t dilute, but on the contrary, it amplifies celebration.
Vinny celebrating the overtime goal and win.
Vinny for captain.
Be the captain of your own team. Enthusiasm is contagious.
We are often very intentional about how we speak to others. What we often forget is that the baseline that truly determines this and also our choices is how we speak to ourselves.
When was the last time we reflected on how we speak to ourselves? Is it harsh? Is it kind? Is it filled with grace? We often forget that our treatment of ourselves and the degree of worthiness we attribute to ourselves impacts the choices we decide are worthy of us.
The baseline that impacts everything is how we treat ourselves.
I suppose this is why Jesus said love your neighbor as you love yourself. (Matthew 22:39). There is no detaching the two.
One thing I am really bad at is pruning plants. I mean who prunes them when they grow in the wild, right? But apparently, animals do. They nibble at twigs and leaves, and the wind helps blow off what is dead. For household plants and garden plants, you must prune. And it’s not a one time deal. It’s maintenance. Something you do regularly.
Pruning helps with rejuvenation, growth control, it helps stimulate fruit production, and it helps clear what is dead.
You know what needs pruning, too? Our thoughts. It helps with rejuvenation, growth, it helps stimulate fruit production in our lives, and it helps clear what is dead or needs to be let go of.
How long has it been since you pruned your thoughts regularly? Get the clippers.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 