With the Queen’s passing, there is so much talk about what we can learn from her amazing life.
We mention words like dignity, elegance, class, restraint, tradition, respect, nobility, and while all these are so important, I think that what made these true was her dedication to service.
One image I was particularly struck by this week was of the Queen serving her country in World War II (she was an ambulance driver). I have incredible respect for the leaders who serve alongside their men and women for their people.
image via supercarblondie.com
image via supercarblondie.com
image via kuulpeeps.com
It is hard to find leaders with the same level of integrity in their service.
“I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughout all my life and with all my heart I shall strive to be worthy of your trust.”
Queen Elizabeth II, 1953
Dedicating this song to the Queen for her unparalleled service and integrity. She made her mark. She was here.
image via onkafa.com
image Samir Hussein/WireImage London black cabs pay tribute to the Queen.
There is no better way to live than to spend our lives in the service of others.
When I wrote The Didion Estate, it was the first time I had put in writing my dissecting of another’s library. I do it all the time mentally, but it was fun to share it.
So, as summer winds down and autumn calls, I figured it was time for another fun library. Unlike Didion, Ms. Damas is alive and well. She is known as a fashion icon of France. While some in France are moving toward the more global Instagram image, she reminds us of the classic French look and aesthetic. She is the quintessential French ‘It Girl.’
Jeanne Damas via @JeanneDamas
I noticed Ms. Damas’ library years ago, maybe around 2017-2018, and during the pandemic, she upped her bookstagram posting. Here are some of the treasures in her library:
Le Fer et le Feu by Eric & Jean-Marc Stalner: Described as a book of romanticism, adventure and and elegance. A story focused on the estate stewards and the vulnerable Baroness Mathilde.
Via @JeanneDamas
AnOther Magazine: I had never heard of this magazine. It focuses on fashion, beauty, art and photography.
Artistes Africains – De 1882 à aujourd’hui – Beau Livre, Alayo Akinkugbe, Natasha Becker, Emmanuelle Debon (Traducteur), Jeanne Maylin (Traducteur), Collectif: The English version of the book is available here: (African Artists: From 1882 to Now). This book was described as, “A comprehensive guide to the continent’s brightest stars,” – ARTnews.
Sheila Metzner: From Life: This is an incredibly expensive Rizzoli book showcasing the world of fashion and portrait photographer Sheila Metzner.
Image via @JeanneDamas
Francois Halard’s Visual Diary: “This volume presents the famed photographer’s newest lush images of the stunning interiors of acclaimed designers, artists, and tastemakers. Francois Halard’s unique photographic sensibility–old-world elegant and bohemian, accessible and personal–is unmistakable. Each image is imbued with the intimate knowledge of design history, each story a lesson in a master’s point of view.” (Source)
Several Georgia O’Keeffe books are in the mix of the stack. I was fascinated by her giant flowers as an elementary school student.
She is also a fan of Pierre Bonnard, the French postimpressionist.
On the same vein of art, she has that green Charleston book leaning against her board:
“Stunning artwork and illustrated essays illuminate the modernist home and studio of artists Vanessa Bell and Duncan Grant.” (Source)
Via @Jeanne Damas
L’Amour Fou by André Breton: In English, this is called Mad Love, and it is part of the French Modernist library. About this book: “Mad Love has been acknowledged an undisputed classic of the surrealist movement since its first publication in France in 1937. Its adulation of love as both mystery and revelation places it in the most abiding of literary traditions, but its stormy history and technical difficulty have prevented it from being translated into English until now.” (Source)
Via @JeanneDamas
Correspondance (1944-1959): “For fifteen years, Albert Camus and Maria Casarès exchanged letters from which springs all the intensity of their love. Between the tearing of separations and creative impulses, this correspondence highlights the intimacy of two sacred monsters at the peak of their art.” (Source)
Via @JeanneDamas
Chagrin D’ecole by Daniel Pennac: This is a book that weighs education and school from the perspective of a really bad student.
Via @JeanneDamas
Dali–La Vie D’un Grand Excentrique by Fleur Cowles: Dali, the life of a great eccentric. This is an old book from 1961. A rare find.
Vingt poèmes d’amour et une chanson désespérée : Les Vers du Capitaine by Pablo Neruda: Twenty love poems and a desperate song by the Chilean poet of international fame.
Via @JeanneDamas
Le Bal des Folles by Victoria Mas: This book was translated into The Mad Women’s Ball: A Novel. This book is being made into an Amazon film! It is described as: “In this darkly delightful Gothic treasure, Mas explores grief, trauma, and sisterhood behind the walls of Paris’s infamous Salpêtrière hospital,” Paula Hawkins, author of The Girl on the Train.
Via @JeanneDamas
Le Chardonneret by Donna Tartt, also known in English as The Goldfinch. A summary: “Theo Decker, a 13-year-old New Yorker, miraculously survives an accident that kills his mother. Abandoned by his father, Theo is taken in by the family of a wealthy friend. Bewildered by his strange new home on Park Avenue, disturbed by schoolmates who don’t know how to talk to him, and tormented above all by a longing for his mother, he clings to the one thing that reminds him of her: a small, mysteriously captivating painting that ultimately draws Theo into a wealthy and insular art community. As an adult, Theo moves silkily between the drawing rooms of the rich and the dusty labyrinth of an antiques store where he works. He is alienated and in love — and at the center of a narrowing, ever more dangerous circle. The Goldfinch is a mesmerizing, stay-up-all-night and tell-all-your-friends triumph, an old-fashioned story of loss and obsession, survival and self-invention. From the streets of New York to the dark corners of the art underworld, this “soaring masterpiece” examines the devastating impact of grief and the ruthless machinations of fate (Ron Charles, Washington Post).” (Source)
Le Pays des Autres by Leila Slimani: Slimani rose to fame with her international bestseller, The Perfect Nanny. This book’s English version is In the Country of Others. One of the reviews for this book says, “Slimani has made a career out of catching readers on the wrong foot with unsparing prose. . . . In the Country of Others is [her] most personal book yet.” The New York Times
Via @JeanneDamas
Les Enténébrés by Sarah Chiche: This was a prize winner in 2019. This is a novel about a psychologist’s love affair with an international musician and all that stems from WWII and other pieces of history.
Jeanne Damas via Elle France
***
Ms. Damas is a big fan of award-winning fiction, many are translations or translated as they are that good and best-selling. By her inspo board for her brand Rouje, she has several art books. Not surprisingly, I find that her makeup palettes have many colors that sort of tug on the work of Georgia O’Keeffe. As every good It Girl, she is in the know. She has some classics mixed in but most books won their awards between 2014-2019. We’ll see if her taste evolves with her into her 30s.
Image via Madame Figaro
“Elle incarne un idéal de beauté et de réussite commerciale. Elle présente une figure publique parfaite ou idéalisée, qui utilise stratégiquement les stéréotypes de la séduction pour dessiner ses propres contours.” (Source)
Another month has gone, “poof!” and it floats away into the sky. This month, it felt like I read 20 books at the same time. Bad news about the economy and tons of primary info seemed to be front and center, throughout August (midterm elections approach, slow and steady). It was a month of adjustments on my end; learning more about my new role, with each passing day, walking new streets and riding new trains.
I think it is official, I am over the heat and ready for autumn. Finally, next month, things will begin to shift and feel a bit different. I won’t be trying to strip immediately when I get home because I can’t stand the feeling of clothing sticking to me. We need some relief.
This month, my mind was all over the place. I watched some Audrey Hepburn movies like Charade (this was my fav), Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Funny Face. I became obsessed with 50s hairstyles and bought a box of bobby pins to try some. (Can we also talk about Givenchy in the 50s?!)
I also read a lot of books by therapists on relationships, which was interesting. It is neat to read things and put a name to things one has pieced together in life. One gains a new lens and clarity. We watched Marshall (the movie on Thurgood Marshall– it was brilliant). I also watched some Paris In Love (based on Paris Hilton’s prep for her wedding). There was no theme for me. But below, you will find the stuff that grabbed my attention and made me reflect. I always love sharing the gems with you.
Before we get to all the goodies, we celebrate our top post of the month, Preparing for the Next Best Season. (I am prepping to begin my seasonal deep clean of my house). As I write this, I give side-eye to the receipts at my entry table. The evil clutter will be gone.
“Superficial religion will always be fashionable because it does not require self-denial.” Charles Spurgeon– This quote reminded me of when C.S. Lewis said, “I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.” There is something profound about choosing something for yourself that makes you grow and challenges you, not something that makes you feel like you have arrived.
“If the flame given to us goes out, we not only lose the light ourselves forever but will also lose the ability to pass it along to all those others who are waiting for it.” Eric Metaxas (on Freedom)– This came from his book, If You Can Keep It, about the responsibility every American has to guarding the republic and the liberties embedded in it. Highly recommend.
“When you follow a leader, consider what would lead you to withdraw your support. If your answer is nothing, your integrity is in jeopardy. Your highest loyalty belongs to principles, not people. No leader deserves unconditional love. Commitment is earned through character.” Adam Grant
“No one has nuanced conversations, and life is all nuance.” Gabby Reece
“You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” Albert Einstein
“I always say that if I were ever going to bet on a horse at the track, then let it be me… because I know I’m going to run as hard as I can.” Curtis Jackson, 50 Cent– I read his book Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter. It was so interesting. Major respect for Curtis Jackson. This man did not come to play. The philosophy in this quote is one I adopted for myself years ago. Ed Mylett says confidence is built through the promises you keep to yourself. When you work hard and know you leave it all on the table, there is a certain security in that, when you enter unknown territory. You learn to take calculated risks with confidence because you know you can bet on yourself.
“Short-sighted people can’t conceive of well-rounded people.” Luis Samuel Gonzalez
“The way you do anything is the way you do everything.” Giotto Calendoli– sending love to the Calendolis.
“Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy.” Winston Churchill
“To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.” Malcom X
“Greatness reduces your likability in terms of the natural accessibility because whenever you work hard enough to do something great, you become an indictment to anyone who settles for less.” Erwin McManus– This is so true. If you want greatness, learn to be alone and oftentimes, hated.
“Yes, Christianity is a call to carry your cross and to die, but it is also [a] call to win and win decisively. And not just a superficial, moral victory or an ethereal, spiritual victory, but total victory over total reality. Yes, we are playing to win and for keeps.” Ryan Helfenbein– We always play to win.
“People are sheep. When you realize that you won’t care so much about trying to impress or please them.” Celine Hakakha
“Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people, that those liberties are a gift of God? That they are violated but with His wrath? I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, and that His justice cannot sleep forever.” Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia, 1785– This made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Wisdom is timeless.
“How we think, how we see ourselves in the world, matters. With our partners, our children, our neighbors, within our own minds– we can redeem or we can violate. The choice is ours.” Terrence Real, Us
Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev got married (in Paris)!!!!!! That is the post. Almost fell out of my chair when I saw the news break.
Fangirling here. They met in 2017 on Dancing With the Stars. I remember it so well. One of my favorite couples. It was cool to see Nikki’s transformation on the show.
They got engaged in November 2019 and were waiting to get married in a place where Artem’s parents could travel to since the pandemic disrupted everything.
Can’t wait to see more details as they come out and the four-part series on E! Wishing them both so much happiness. Congrats to my fav Russian-Latin couple.
Ironically, we are surrounded by these expectations. We think that by a certain age you: have to be married; have a certain type of job; have to have kids, not get divorced. It does work out like this for some.
When life doesn’t work out in these specific patterns, that, let’s face it aren’t necessarily rare but are patterns we see in the lives that surround us, it can be challenging. We have that Simple-Kind-of-Life-Gwen-Stefani moment.
You can feel like you did something wrong, somewhere.
It is a waste of time to try to figure out how you could have lived a life that was quite literally not possible for you (especially when due to circumstances out of your control). I see people do it all the time to different degrees. So many people are fuming at the life they didn’t have but were “supposed” to have.
I will never forget an OB-GYN who said my not having children by this age was my fault and selfish. Like I was supposed to grab some random man off the street while 23 and been like, You, right now, father my children.
I think these life expectations and pressures are often promoted by religious communities, and not maliciously. Hilariously, I find this to be true more and more these days, the ideas promoted in these communities don’t seem to match the kind of characters being cultivated in those communities. The expectation does not match reality.
I guess, all this to say, a life not lived can haunt you, if you let it. You can feel that things are off, when in reality, they really aren’t.
Life’s realities can be complex and sometimes abrasive so our soft, and at times, unrealistic desires.
Tenor.com
Where we should rest is that place where we realize that with every step, we sought guidance. And if we lived in obedience to God, then where our feet have taken us is no accident, it is providential. Even if we are wronged, God doesn’t cease to be in control and able to turn something bad into good. But that’s the thing, it may look very different from what we expected.
Wishing for what couldn’t have been will rob us of the life that can be. A life that can break every expectation and mold and show God’s glory and goodness in a mind blowing way. Living out of pattern is not for everyone, but if it is your path, then know that it is time to full embrace it. Not wishing for what we thought would be the dream life but by surrendering to the plan He has uniquely set out for us.
When we look at the stories of Moses and Abraham, their lives followed no traditional patterns. They were mold-breakers. They were wanderers and anomalies, and sometimes things took a lot longer than what was natural. They had their unfulfilled desires, they were flawed, but they were sincere with God. God counted them as friends. Their paths were weird, long and lonely. The journey was also transformational. They walked their unique paths in faith, with God, and at the end of the insane trajectory, God was still beside them.
Focusing on what “should be” makes us miss what “could be”. We should be curious and courageous enough to take off our sandals as Moses did when he found himself in an unexpected place. God’s presence is there. We may have thought our path would be different, not realizing that where we are standing is holy ground.
There are times when we are ready for the next chapter, the next season, change. That hit me this morning, as I walked in the sticky heat and a large drop of some unknown liquid splashed onto my face, just below my right eye, from an AC above me. After quietly spiraling out and reminding myself that I wouldn’t die or lose my eye, I thought wistfully about how I am ready for autumn.
As Lydia Millen says, it’s not about wishing away the seasons, but sometimes there is an excitement in prepping for the new one. I am there. While right now we are transitioning from summer to autumn, these tips can be used for any seasonal transition. I sat down and thought about ways we can be intentional in planning for the next season. Let me know your own tips in the comments.
Clear Space
I am always seasonally clearing space. I like to go through my closet every time the weather switches from cold to hot or hot to cold. It costs nothing to go through things to see what you can donate to help someone else. I also like going through the pantry and supplement station to see what needs to go or what needs to be used quickly. You can also go through books and put them in local libraries or book swap boxes. It’s always refreshing to have more space, whether that is in your closet, kitchen or shelves.
Home Fragrance
Who doesn’t love a good candle? (Good to find less toxic options). A candle is a lovely way to bring atomosphere to the home. I love burning candles and that soft glow in the winter months. I don’t keep the same candles out year-round. Take some time to put some of the current candles away and bring out the scents that match the season being embraced. Scents that bring you joy and nostalgia.
Decor
I can’t say I hardcore decorate (I hope to someday). But I do think that it’s nice to switch out couch pillows, throws, table cloth and other items like wreaths, little plant displays and other things.
I also find it to be a good time to change the walls. And I don’t necessarily mean paint (though you can). I often have things on the wall or leaning against. It is nice to switch things up and replace/move things around.
“Your home reflects more than you know: Generosity and kindness are the rugs; hospitality the furniture, curiosity the objects; and originality the placement… Enthusiasm, joy, and vitality are the fragrance that fills the air.” Pamela Clarke Keogh
Clothes
As you swap out your closet, it’s nice to look through your clothes and pick out some hero items and things you want to wear often. It’s nice to steam them and place them on a rack, ready to go. This also makes it so we don’t wear the same thing over and over again. (I need to grow in this area). When we dress more intentionally, we feel it, and it feels good.
Food Planning
Pick out some recipes you want to try in the upcoming season. Read them and visualize them. Make little lists.
Pick Something to Memorize
Something I love about previous generations is how well-versed and eloquent they were. They could recite quotes and poetry. It was a part of conversation. Why not pick a poem, a passage of Scripture or something else of meaning and exercise the mind. Memorization can be a way we can spread wisdom to those around us.
Calendar It
Have something to look forward to. I was listening to the Style Your Mind podcast, and the speakers correctly brought up the fact that it is a scientific fact that having something to look forward to makes us happier. Think about different activities you can do. Some don’t have to cost money. It may mean something as simple as exploring a different place, but schedule it. Have some things you are looking forward to! It will bring you joy.
Scriptural Focus
I hope that when I have my own home, to pick themes or passages and write them on a little board somewhere in the house like the kitchen. Maybe you are wondering where God is and you feel far from Him, maybe you are finding yourself anxious or seeking to be more kind. It’s nice to pick verses from God’s word that remind us that He is with us and how to reflect Him better to the world around us.
Maybe have a Post-It on a mirror or have a little board, and put a seasonal Scriptural focus you can update in a visible spot. You may find it speaks to your heart in lasting ways.
All Joan Didion fans know that her estate is going to auction in Hudson, NY. Architectural Digest quotes Lisa Thomas, a Stair Galleries fine art specialist, as saying that Didion’s apartment and her things, “It all just really told the story of who she was as a person, how she wrote, and what was important to her.” (Source)
Over the course of my courtship with my fiance, he has taken us both to visit many estates (Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, etc.). The Hudson Valley grounds are always stunning, but one of the things you will find me doing during the house tour is peering at the shelves. (I am such a snoop!) I believe people’s books reveal a hell of a lot about them. Many of the old books are cloth bound. There will be a shelf with a bunch of red cover books. Some folks have books about plants, animals, insects, politics, and foreign classics.
So, of course, when Didion’s estate auction was announced and these photos were released, I started (naturally) scanning the books. What did Joan treasure? Let’s take a look at what is accessible to us.
Image via Stair Galleries
Miró the Sculptor: Elements of Nature
Joan Miro was a Spanish painter, sculptor and ceramicist.
Artist quote: “The works must be conceived with fire in the soul but executed with clinical coolness.”
Robert B. Silvers
Mr. Silvers was the editor of The New York Review of Books. This volume is a collection of tributes to Mr. Silvers for his 60th birthday from contributors and friends of The New York Review of Books. It was published in 1990. (Source) I wonder if Didion contributed…
Writer quote: “I believe in the writer—the writer, above all. That’s how we started off: admiring the writer.”
Virginia Woolf by E.M. Forster
This was E.M. Forster’s Rede Lecture delivered at Cambridge on May 29, 1941, “just two months after the death of Virginia Woolf. Addressing her life and works, Forster concludes: ‘she gave acute pleasure in new ways, she pushed the light of the English language a little further against darkness’ (p. 39).” (Source)
Collected Longer Poems by W.H. Auden
This was published in 1969. “W. H. Auden (1907-1973) was one of the wittiest and most worldly of English poetry’s great twentieth century masters. His work ranges from the political to the religious, from the urbane to the romantic. He is also, with his exhilarating lyrical power and his understanding of love and longing in all their sacred and profane guises, an exemplary champion of human wisdom in its encounter with the mysteries of experience. More than any other poet, Auden used his poetry as an instrument to study the massive forces, dramas, and upheavals of the twentieth century, and his work displays an astonishing range of voice and breath of concern.” (Source: Amazon)
Face to Face Camilla McGrath
This volume includes photos of Didion herself! This book focuses on images of cultural icons from the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. Interview magazine called McGrath the “Lens of the Party.”
Image from the artist:
Joan Didion and Earl McGrath at the Dunnes’ house in Trancas, 1974.
Robert Frank
There is an unknown Robert Frank book in the mix. All we see is the spine. He was a Swiss photographer and documentary maker.
Image via NYT
At the Center of the World by Jimmie Durham
“Born of Cherokee descent, in 1940s Arkansas, Jimmie Durham takes up such issues as the politics of representation, histories of genocide, and citizenship and exile. This volume collects an array of Durham’s sculptures, drawings, photography, video, and performance. It includes essays about Durham’s material choices and their metaphoric potential; his participation in the NYC art scene in the 1980s; his use of language; and his ties to Mexico after living in Cuernavaca.” (Source: Amazon)
Phillip on Goodreads said, “I am a big fan of his art – not easily digested, assimilated, or summed up. It pushes against all forms of criticism, but that’s not the point of his work, more the result of being so wholly unique. It was great to see the retrospective at the hammer museum – this book is the catalogue of that show.”
Artist quote: “I’m foremost a poet, and then I’m a sculptor and an artist, and I do other things. I’m a gardener, quite serious about it. I’m a gardener, quite serious about it.”
Declaration of Independence by Lari Pittman
This one is a catalog of Lari Pittman’s work. It was published in 2019. Didion had a thing for recently published art catalogs. Pittman is a Colombian-American painter and artist.
Fun fact: “Pittman was the singular male student within the Feminist program in the 1970s.” (Wikipedia)
Image via Art-Agenda.com
Some Women by Robert Mapplethorpe
Published in 1989, this is his collection of image of women. Joan Didion did the introduction.
Image via The Modern First
San Francisco in the Sixties by George C. Perry
“The turbulence of the 1960s permanently changed social and cultural values around the world. British author and editor Perry (Magic Movie Moments), who has written extensively on popular culture and the performing arts, has compiled this photojournalism series from the works of numerous photographers. Each volume uses the same format, beginning with a short introduction that sets the stage for approximately 100 clear, briefly captioned photographs, most in black and white, and concluding with a more detailed list of captions. Featured are the fashions (notably designer Mary Quant’s miniskirts), the hippie movement, anti-Vietnam War protests, college campus sit-ins, race riots, the drug scene, the pop art movement, psychedelic imagery, and other happenings. Prominently pictured are the celebrities of the era, who include political figures, activists, entertainers, writers, and artists such as Bardot, Warhol, Joplin, Twiggy, and Truffaut. For the most complete overview of the era’s defiant attitudes, confrontations, and anything-goes lifestyles and how they affected each city, libraries should purchase all four volumes. Recommended for popular culture, photojournalism, and young adult collections. Joan Levin, M.L.S., Chicago Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.”
Image via ebay
We Shot the War edited by Lisa Nguyen
“We Shot the War: Overseas Weekly in Vietnam examines the legacy of one of the most popular and eccentric newspapers to cover the Vietnam War. With its mix of hard-hitting military exposés, pinups, and comic strips, Overseas Weekly earned a reputation as a muckraking truth teller. Time magazine called it “the least popular publication at the Pentagon.” From 1966 to 1972, the paper’s reporters and photographers tackled controversial topics, including courts-martial, racial discrimination, drug use, and opposition to command. And they published some of the most intimate portraits of American GIs and Vietnamese civilians, taken with the specific purpose of documenting the daily life of individuals caught in the world’s most grueling and disputed conflict. Through striking photographs and personal essays, We Shot the War brings viewers behind the viewfinders of photojournalists who covered the conflict and introduces readers to two extraordinary women: founder Marion von Rospach and Saigon office bureau chief Ann Bryan. Together, they fought for the right of women to report in combat zones and argued against media censorship.” (Source: Amazon)
Quote from the reviews: “Sounds like an odd thing to say about a book on a war, but it does the young men who were fighting it proud. In some instances, the young man in the photo is not known but maybe some family member will see it and remember that person.” Marion E. Morgan
***
So, we have seen that Didion had a thing for photographers and art catalogs. She had some involvement in some of these books. She was an interesting person who clearly liked to support the work of those around her (and she sometimes found herself as a subject). These are not easily found books. Some of these required a bit of digging. They aren’t a part of a mainstream shelf. Even the more recently published books feature images and art from the 60s and 70s. Her heart stayed there.
If someone looked at your shelf, what would they think about you?
One thing is for sure: a well read life is an interesting one.
Sometimes, the bright lights confuse us. We stare at them, hypnotized. They leave us disoriented. I understand the way an animal feels when it is caught in oncoming traffic. I think we spend half of our days like that.
The better light is the one that glows. We feel it deeply. We follow it like it is the sole firefly in the night. A glow crackles– a sound like an ongoing fire or sometimes rain on the stone streets. That particular night, there was no rain. So I followed the glow looking for the fire. There was no trace of rain. There was only a dying stream of soapy water on the stone streets, heading downhill toward the only other water, the sea. The sea was dark and feroce, stirring and stirring like unsettled emotions.
There are no lights reflected in the soapy stream of cleaning water headed toward the sea. There are no stars and no moon reflected in the rainbow tinted bubbles of the stream. The clouds muffle the night sky. I am walking. I turn my back on the sea. I turn my back on the darkness. I keep walking. I hear the crackle of light and a scratching sound at a distance. I hear shutters moving. I hear voices dancing inside the dimly lit houses. Murmurs.
I hear my shoes. My boots and their thick heel on the stone. I walk toward the glow, only to find myself in a dark street. The shutters are all closed. The stone walls don’t reveal any life at all. I reach out and brush the stone walls with the tips of my fingers as I continue to walk. I walk with authority to nowhere at all. The glow has hidden itself, and then suddenly, it reappears.
I walk to the rhythm I’ve created with my footsteps. I find swagger in my steps. I stop. I look up, and there is an open window, the shutters parted like a gasp. I now know what the scratching is. It’s your pen against the paper. A paper that invites. A paper that adjusts to its surroundings. It isn’t bright and blinding like a laptop’s white blank screen, cursor blinking, begging for more. Always more. No, the paper is quiet and loyal. It is empathetic. It is dark when it is dark. When it storms, it is left destroyed. It keeps our secrets. When a tear falls on ink, it can envelope a secret forever, leaving nothing decipherable. There you are, sitting in the window with all your secrets, spilling them like they are bubbles in soapy water. The papers gathering them all like the sea.
Your heavy eyelash curtain lifts, and you meet my gaze under the visor of your dark eyebrows. I see you clearly. I see you by the fire sparks on a grill beside you. Your fish, cooking. You stand up, unbothered, leaving the paper in the window like a bookmark. You take a metal spatula and start moving the fish and something else you have wrapped in foil. I stand there watching you. You look at me again and gesture with your spatula hand toward an empty chair by the window.
A rickety old chair against the blue stone wall. I see the concrete stairs that can take me there. Without hesitation, I reach the stairs. I unzip my boots, and peel my socks off. I place my bare feet on the concrete steps and climb. When I reach the top, I leave my boots and socks neatly by the entry. I sit on the chair and gather my skirt, tucking it under my thighs.
I stare at the empty balconies in front of me, all of them draped in drying rugs, sheets and clothes. Patterns barely recognizable, as the grill light dims. It grows quieter. It grows darker. And while everything may look like it is asleep, some of us are wide awake. We are looking to spill on paper. We are looking for that comforting embrace of the dark stillness. Away from the screens, from the lights, from the noise, from the brights. Being undistracted has a way of bringing our emotions to the top.
We search for the peace we dropped like a coin that rolls downhill, toward the sea. You eat quietly beside me, and push an open foil with a yam toward me. I feel its warmth through the foil, and start peeling the layers back. There, in the stillness of that night, with the cold clean stone beneath my feet and a warm yam in my stomach, life feels real again. It feels sweet. It feels bright in a different kind of way. All of my thoughts floating back toward the sea.
I had this song’s melody stuck in my head. I only remembered a part of the lyrics, something about “missing me”. I found out a ton of songs have that lyric as I searched high and low. I hummed it to every app and device imaginable. I searched the Top 40 lists from my college days. Nothing. I remember blasting this song in my car while commuting. I closed my eyes and could see the country roads and every turn. The fog rising above the long grass under the morning moon.
Then, I clicked through some YouTube playlists. I went through Maroon 5 and Train… Also, some Coldplay. I knew it sounded band-ish. Then, I found it. My heart skipped a beat. I blasted it. It felt good. A crazy rush of nostalgia.
Now, listening to the lyrics, I know why I loved this song. The Script, thank you.
It’s that crazy, stupid, can’t sleep, can’t breathe kind of love.
I thought maybe they were moving out because there was so much noise in the hallway, yesterday. Yes, I am talking about my neighbors, the triplets. I thought maybe they were carting their sofa away. (Wishful thinking). I hadn’t heard a peep from the triplets. But today, they were back, and there was so much discord in the room that shares a wall with my dining room while I was in a WFH meeting. I then saw one of the teen triplets zoom past us in her scooter. Me, squinting like a dweeb because I forgot my glasses. (I am still not sure if forgetting my glasses made me miss something on our walk or if it made it more interesting).
Triplets today. Image via Fanpop.
White dress
I had gotten a final sale white linen dress I tried on today. It was a steal. Hilariously, while it zipped all the way, I realized that around my hips and thighs it is so tight. I cannot sit in this dress like a comfortable human. I know I can’t return it. So I guess I will wear it to something where I need to stand. If there is something I have learned about being a woman is that just because you can’t sit doesn’t mean it don’t fit. 😉
Image via Quotesgram
PCR
Turns out our new testing “center” (I use “center” lightly) is a kidnapper van for cruelty. These are the most painful PCRs I have ever experienced. The swab is like a switchblade. I think that swab touched my eyeball and made me cry. The savagery. *Holds paper and says is going to write a letter like the girl from White Chicks*
Image via Giphy
Social Security
I filled out some HR forms today. I laughed when I thought about how when I was going to college, I wondered if I would ever know my social security number by heart. Ha. These were my concerns. But here we are. I wrote that thing like 40 times today. Also, I think this is the last time I mark single/unmarried on HR entry forms. Ahh, youth. I was worried about an ID number, when in reality, I know so much more by heart.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 