GABRIELA YARELIZ

Raw and Real

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Part I: I Almost Loved You

Okay, so we are back for our last post in the Beyoncé series, looking at a mélange of songs by Beyoncé, starting with “Best Thing I Never Had.” A song that made it to #16 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart according to Wiki. There is something about the piano melody in this song that gets sooo stuck in your head.

So the song indicates that she left someone. He is the best thing she never had, not the other way around. It’s not “Best Thing You Never Had.” It’s a song that she wanted to be relatable to men and women; a song about relief (dodging a bullet). It’s a song where she states over and over again that “what comes around goes around.” The song reveals that she left him for good reason when she sings, “I saw the real you; Thank God you blew it.”

Have you ever looked back and seen people it almost worked out with or someone you almost opened a door to, and then been relieved? I know I have…

This seems to be a recurring theme in Beyoncé’s music– this woman who leaves a man who “blows it.“ What I find interesting is that her earlier music, whether “Irreplaceable,” “Best Thing I Never Had” (where she in the video is singing in a wedding dress) contrasts with the sentiments expressed in the Lemonade album. Until Lemonade, what we had seen in Beyoncé’s music was a woman who says “bye.” This was her brand of feminism. The following lyric in “Best Thing I Never Had” shows the brand of feminism she was singing about prior to Lemonade:

/Lord knows that it would take another place
Another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

I used to want you so bad
I’m so through with that/

But what happens when you love the man and you don’t leave after he has wronged you?

Part II: The Nuance in Lemons

When we meet Beyoncé in Lemonade, it’s like she is a different woman. (Sort of like Mindy from The Mindy Project in the last season). And listen, regarding her personal life, we don’t have too much information. (Or maybe I missed it because I don’t necessarily follow).

For years, there were rumors swirling around that Jay-Z cheated on her. This was later confirmed. Perception is weird when cheating is involved. Often times, the person who feels the most shame is the person who was wronged, when in all reality, they shouldn’t be ashamed of the fact that their partner sucks. They aren’t responsible for what their partner did. As Shallon Lester likes to say, if a relationship isn’t working out, the consequence is never that you cheat on that person, it’s that you leave and respect that person. Cheating is never ok. Ever.

While some cheat to leave, others cheat and stay. With Jay-Z, we have an example of the latter. Beyoncé put some songs out there that expressed her anger. We see this especially with the song “Sorry” (“Today, I regret the night I put that ring on”). She sings that “Big homie better grow up” and that “he better call Becky with the good hair.”

This whole perception game comes into play in songs like “Hold Up,” where Beyoncé sings about the denial and internal dialogue of someone who has been betrayed (she sings, “I saw the devil”). She talks about how she tried to change; how she tried to be the good wife. She reflects, making us feel that internal dialogue of shame as she tries to almost take responsibility for something that isn’t her fault. The video starts with her submerged in water for an unnatural amount of time. Then, she literally opens some doors, and walks out into fresh air– sanity, questionable.

/I smell your secrets, and I’m not too perfect
To ever feel this worthless
How did it come down to this?/

In the video, she gets a bat and smashes everything in her path. She sings, what’s worse, “being jealous or crazy?” In this album, we see a different Beyoncé. She isn’t leaving; her head is spinning. She is working through it; processing. Maybe this song was just another one showing anger and angst or maybe this video was a way of controlling the narrative and having people see her a certain way, as perhaps she felt that shame that many often feel that really shouldn’t belong to them. She did nothing wrong. By destroying everything in her path, she still looks strong, despite the fact that she isn’t leaving. Even in the insanity, she looks in control. While her words make her sound vulnerable, her actions do not. There is a direct contrast.

Several songs on the album are a brain dump and middle finger to the people who hurt us, but they leaves us confused as to what is next.

What does feminism look like when our hearts are left bleeding out? We continue to face this question when we look at Hillary Clinton, Beyoncé, the Kardashians and so many in the public eye. When you are betrayed, what is feminism? Is it staying? Is it going? Can you be cheated on and then have a “Redemption” chapter like in “All Night” in Lemonade? (This was my favorite song on the album).

Jay-Z revealed his infidelity in an interview where he said, “You know, most people walk away, and like divorce rate is like 50 percent or something ’cause most people can’t see themselves. The hardest thing is seeing pain on someone’s face that you caused, and then have to deal with yourself. […] So, you know, most people don’t want to do that. You don’t want to look inside yourself. And so you walk away.” (Source)

Wiki states that Beyoncé’s Lemonade album wanted to reflect the effects of slavery and racial inequality on relationships in black society, and she also went on to talk about “generational curses” in a 2018 Vogue article. However, while systems of oppression are real (I am a minority myself), I wonder where character falls into all of this. As a society, we often seek to blame systems for dynamics that later, as we try to work through the “generational curses,” we realize the key is in our very hand. If we can choose healing, it means there is much more in our control than out of it, despite the societal systems and inequalities, we find ourselves in a land of choices.

In the lives of those of us who have the generational curses– lives stained with racism, political baggage such as colonialsim and communism, poverty, betrayal– lives where survival was priority, the striving for healing and redemption is the bravest thing we can do. To love is the bravest thing we can do. It’s a winding, dusty road with potholes, frustration and anger. But a broken wing can learn to fly again. Or as Beyoncé sings, we can trade our broken wings for another’s.

/So we are going to heal; We are going to start again/

Lemonade stands out. Beyoncé called it “using our art almost like a therapy session.” It stands out because here is an artist we barely hear speak on her own. We honestly don’t know much about her. Most of what is out there is something imagined by the public and attributed to her, in all honesty. She has been with us for years and years, and finally in Lemonade we got a glimpse behind the curtain. These weren’t generic pop or R&B lyrics that could be sung by Rihanna. We felt raw emotion. This was not the boppy “Irreplaceable,” but a woman really grappling with what it means to love when all goes to sh*t, a past where poverty and racism were front and center, and how feminism can sometimes stem from confidence, but sometimes it’s fueled by righteous anger. We see the fact that redemption is not a religious future but very much here and now. Redemption was painful on the cross and painful in our everyday journey through life. Sometimes, it’s possible. Sometimes, it’s not.

The tarte lemons life gives us often leave us feeling raw, burned and cracked open. Nothing real is glossy, neat and simple. In Lemonade, we are left with a very nuanced, real Beyoncé, finally. And as she quotes her grandmother in the “All Night” video, “Nothing real can be threatened.” This is all we know for sure.

A Ray Of Sun

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Mature love. Beyoncé’s “Halo” is not about first love, in fact, the protagonist of the video sings, “I swore I’d never fall again, but this don’t even feel like falling.” We see a woman whose walls have come down (we all have those walls). I love when Beyoncé sings, “I found a way to let you win.” We have a way of rigging the game, when we want to.

We have a surprisingly vulnerable song in her album I am… Sasha Fierce. The song was written by Beyoncé and Ryan Tedder, of One Republic. Tedder wrote the majority of the song and dedicated it to Beyoncé and her husband, Jay-Z.

The video mostly takes place in a dance studio, and there is a lot of light. Light is a big theme in this song. She sings:

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

She likens this man’s presence in her life to an angel. She acknowledges that she is taking a big risk. (Isn’t all love a big risk?) At one point in the music video, we see her in what looks like a wedding dress, underwater.

This song marks a turning point in her music to me. It’s not longer just fluff tunes like “Single Ladies”— I cannot stand that song, as mentioned before. She starts to deliver more emotional songs. We had no idea Lemonade was coming, at this point.

“Halo” is a straightforward song about love’s divine attributes; how it wins us over and delivers us from the fortresses that keep us safe but captive. Despite the fact that the song is not as deep as the pool our wedding dress clad-Beyoncé seems to be submerged in— it’s a start.

The truth is, we are all hoping to have that love that burns through our darkest night.

Tune in for the next post, which will be the last in the Beyoncé mini series. See you there!

You Must Not Know ‘Bout Me

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Today, we are heading into Beyoncé’s B’day album– “Irreplaceable.” It’s a favorite that would always come on the radio when I was driving in my Drivers Ed class; a class which thoroughly traumatized me. This was the song I parallel parked to for the first time. Memories.

“Irreplaceable” remains one of my Beyoncé favorites. Listen, I am not a super Beyoncé fan. I appreciate her music like I do the next person’s music. I don’t like many of her songs that topped the charts or the annoying “Single Ladies” (though, if you like it, you should put a ring on it). But this is my jam. It’s a song of empowerment where the protagonist has been cheated on, and she is throwing the disgusting man out. Who can forget the iconic, “to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left”? I probably should not have listened to this song while in Drivers Ed, as when I first started driving, I was driving on the left side of the road (the wrong side, here).

Beyoncé shows herself to be an independent woman who is telling the guy, “if I bought please don’t touch.” I love when she approaches him and starts taking his sweater off so she can keep it because she paid for it. Can we stop here and just note that I believe every woman should have a life before she unites her life with someone else. You should be able to provide for yourself and not have to rely on someone else. When we are in a position of reliance, we tend to accept unhealthy behaviors and abuse because we don’t have the means, resources or confidence to leave a situation or person. This song shows us the opposite– a woman who can be on her own and honor her self worth.

The protagonist in the video is ready to see this man go; she sings, “Could you walk and talk at the same time?” YES. The man in the song is trying to manipulate her by making it seem that she can’t do better (“Standing in the front yard, tellin’ me how I’m such a fool, talking ’bout how I’ll never ever find a man like you”). Throughout the whole song, she is letting him know that she knows he cheated (so he is not slick– he was driving her around in the car she got him), and she is not going to tolerate it. He is not “irreplaceable.”

The part that really makes you want to rally (or at least makes me want to rally) is when she sings, “You must not know ’bout me.” This song is very much a departure from the romanticism that tends to seep into songs and literature; this attitude that you can die from a broken heart and never find love again. This woman is like, No, get out, and I will find someone who treats me better. And again, the best part is, she doesn’t need someone. She is complete on her own.

It’s not about arrogance or pride– but about knowing who you are and how you deserve to be treated. Beyoncé, in this song, gives us so many quotable lines. She hammers her point home with one of my favorite lines, “So since I’m not your everything, how about I’ll be nothing? Baby, I won’t shed a tear for you; I won’t lose a wink of sleep.”

This is a song I sing at the top of my lungs, and you should to. A person who doesn’t respect you is not irreplaceable. Don’t shed a tear. Just let them know they can keep packing to the left.

Necessary Rage

“Forgiveness to me is not me forgiving you. I don’t have any godly power. Forgiveness is a gift that I give myself because if I would live in hatred today, I would still be a prisoner, and we are the prisoners of our own mind. The concentration camp is in your own mind, and the key is in your pocket. […] If you want freedom, think about that freedom comes after you go into that rage. You got to have rage before you even start forgiveness. […] Love is not what you feel, it’s what you do.” Wisdom from Dr. Edith Eger, Holocaust survivor who was on The TSC Him & Her Podcast. Listen here.

Dangerously In Love

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Our next artist mini-series is based on a woman we don’t know much about. She barely gives interviews, and to be honest, what we do know about her (or speculate about her) is through her music. Beyoncé. She appeared out of nowhere, it felt like, after her career with Destiny’s Child, solo, when I was in junior high. I remember sitting at my friend’s table while she finished up breakfast so we could walk together to school. We would see the music videos. That was a thing, back in the day– watching music videos on VH1.

Our song today, “Crazy in Love,” was Beyoncé’s all star single that put her on the map. It was the opening song to the 2004 movie Taxi. I can see the opening scene of that movie every time I hear this song. (It has been on a zillion soundtracks, since– Bridget Jones and White Chicks, included).

The song was released in 2003, and it was the lead single in Beyoncé’s first solo album. Also key to note and common knowledge is the fact that her now-husband Jay-Z is featured on the song. He arrived to the studio at 3 a.m. on recording day, and in ten minutes, he had his verses and contribution to the song ready. (Source)

The song is all about infatuation. That obsessive behavior that can land us in odd behaviors when a relationship is new. Apparently, no one is immune to it, not even Beyoncé.

The lyrics touch on the fact that she doesn’t want him to go, and the fact that this love is making her act crazy. I love the line that says, “If you ain’t there ain’t nobody else to impress.” Anyone? In this pandemic, who are we trying to impress? We put makeup and clothes on for no one, these days (except when it’s time to see our love). The song remarks her discussing him and her behavior with her friends. We see this idea that she exists in a community of girlfriends and informs them of her thoughts and relationship. (Not everyone operates like this, so worth noting).

The video starts with Jay-Z introducing Beyoncé to us, and he tells us “history in the making.” Looks like he believed in her from the start. Baby Beyoncé walks down a street in heels and booty shorts with incredible confidence. The video is all over the place. At one point she is walking down a street, then she is posing for what looks like a circle of ring lights on a rooftop, then she is chewing blue bubble gum and blowing bubbles (a nice early 2000s touch), then she breaks open a fire hydrant and is dancing in its stream and finally she is doing a choreographed dance in a bright and colorful outfit. There is no apparent theme other than the fact that she is establishing herself as a sex-symbol, and she is marking her territory.

Listen, it’s not a deep song. It’s a fun one that evokes nostalgia. It reminds us of immature love’s beginning, and it documents the beginning of a music legend. The early days. It also presents us with Jay-Z and Beyoncé as a duo, a duo that would later marry, have children, struggle and stay united in an ultimate power couple status. It’s their genesis. This is why we start here, as we look at Beyoncé’s music journey, so far.

When they recorded this song, I wonder if they knew how pivotal they would be in each other’s lives. Do we ever know, right off the bat? Was it love at first sight? When they met was she all like, “lately I’m foolish, I don’t do this.” Were they crazy in love? Beyoncé’s debut album is titled Dangerously In Love. Was this a foreshadowing of what was to come?

Regardless, it’s a great pump up song. Have a dance party in your living room. Put on the heels and strut. You ready?

More to come…

Screenless

By: Gabriela Yareliz

First, I just want to say that I believe everyone should get a spring break. Now that we have that out of the way, I come to my thought on windows.

The other day, I sat down to watch a chunk of a movie just before bed. I hadn’t showered yet, and I wasn’t doing my evening ritual that has become oh-so-familiar. As longtime readers know, my discipline knows no bounds. So, this little act of rebellion against myself was out-of-character. I felt like I was breaking some sort of rule, ridiculously. Sometimes, we live in existence mode and the routine, while beneficial, can make us feel constrained. Does that sound weird. Welcome to my world of overthinking. (Don’t jump ship, yet…)

Why do I mention this? The other day, I came across a video of an open window in a torrential Australian rain. What caught my eye was not so much the rain (though it was lovely, peaceful and inspiring of all good things…), it was the window. There was no screen on the window. This left me in wonder. I found myself staring out of some unknown person’s screenless window into the rain for the 13 second length of the Instagram story.

My first thought was, “What if a bird flies in? Or one of those giant Australian spiders? What if…” and then I stopped myself, and I realized how much I think in prevention terms. This is a great thing in life, as one avoids lots of insanity and accidents (no need to turn life into an episode of Seinfeld, intentionally).

But then I thought, What if the whole screen thing is not needed? Marcus Aurelius reminds us, “Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” I started to dream of a screenless window and whether I would dare to do this.

Fast-forward to today. I was having my tub reglazed, and the young man had a fan with a tube/pipe that needed to go out of the window. I opened the window that is used for the AC, which has no screen, and he hung the tube/pipe out of that window, the rest of the window was open and fully exposed. A bird could fly in, I thought. I looked around for an Amazon box or something to “cover” the exposed screenless part of the window. I found nothing, as I had diligently taken down my recycling two nights before (before I watched the movie). I went back to the window and gave the gaping openness some side-eye, and while cringing, I walked away and let it be. Sounds stupid, but that was hard. I sat at my table and worked, with my back to the open window.

The air circulation was much needed, and nothing bad happened. No birds; no disturbances. Only days ago, I had wondered whether I would be brave enough to have a screenless window, and then I was forced into it, in efforts to not end up high from ceramic primer. It was weirdly liberating. I don’t think it will be the last time (the open window, not the primer).

Essential Strangers

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Thoughts in the AM:

There is a barista whose efficiency and chipper attitude brought sunshine to our days in the summer of 2020 (those were dark days, y’all. People had bubble wrapped their windows and duct taped their doors shut). It’s funny because at first, I thought this barista was a jerk, but then I saw method to his madness, and he grew friendly with us. I misjudged him. My boyfriend and I would peer into the window to see if he was there. Hell, we ordered once simply because he saw us, waved, remembered my boyfriend’s name, and told us our order would be ready in 2 minutes. (We figured since he assumed we had ordered, we might as well give him something to do). This kid became a fixture in our lives. And then, he disappeared.

I saw him today at Starbucks. He is back at a different location. Our eyes met, and I was trying to figure out if it was him, since every time I see him, he looks different. It was him, but by the time I figured that out he was eyeing me like I was some stalker. It’s weird when everyone is masked to the eyeballs. It’s like, WHO ARE YOU?!

My point is not to talk about how some poor barista will probably soon get a restraining order against me. I should say ‘hi’ at some point and explain why I was staring and that I am glad he is back (that place falls apart without that guy).

My point is that we have to say ‘thank you.’ I will the next time I see him. There are people who brighten our day. They are those “Linchpins” that Seth Godin describes. Indispensable. They are at the top of their game and because they go above and beyond, they make a difference and become a part of your life. A good part. There are strangers who do that. I think of them as Essential Strangers. They become a part of our routines and our lives, and maybe we’d have more if we stopped and told them how much we appreciate them.

Later that PM:

Guys, I decided to do this because a) it makes a good social experiment; b) expressing gratitude is important; and c) this is how we turn things into habits. We shouldn’t just talk about things, but we should do them. I ordered an afternoon refresher and wrote out a ‘thank you’ note from me and my boyfriend to him just simply explaining that we were grateful for him (our star barista), we are glad to know he is ok and that his kindness and good work ethic is appeciated. Simple. I tucked it in the back pocket of my jeans and marched out to the cafe. I picked up my refresher, made by one of the more inefficient baristas of the bunch (your whole drink is ice, basically– even when you ask for no ice), but the barista I was looking for was nowhere in sight.

Damn, I missed him, I thought. I walked out with my drink and figured I would just throw it in the bottomless pit that is my purse and give it to him the next time I stumbled upon him. Then, I saw him on the sidewalk (I kid you not), walking toward the bus stop. He was there, apronless. I called out his name, and he turned around. He had a puzzled expression. I explained to him that my boyfriend and I appreciated him and that we saw him regularly last summer, and he smiled remembering. I handed him the card and he fist bumped me and told me it meant a lot. I quickly turned to find my way back home because I am not about to get a restraining order.

He may think I am certifiably nuts, but it’s nice to say ‘thank you’ to those who make a difference. In these times where we have been stripped of so much, I think I needed that. We all need reminders of that which is magical in life. I said this on the Nas-Talgia podcast (Listen here: “The All-American [Brown] Girl” episode), where I had a blast with my friend Naseem. We were discussing A Little Princess, and I said, “I really do think it calls attention to a lot of the things that can be magical in life, and that includes also kindness.” I stand by that. Kindness is part of the magic in life.

As we discovered in the pandemic, essential workers and people who go out there to interact with others in not-so-easy circumstances don’t all look alike, and yet they all do a lot for us.

Here is my challenge for you– get a little crazy. Kidding. But seriously, find an essential worker or someone you encounter routinely who makes a difference in your life. Say ‘thank you’ with something tangible. Be an Essential Stranger yourself. Make a difference. Keep kindness and gratitude flowing, always.

“Kindness is part of the magic in life.”

The Gwen Stefani Series

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude to everyone who followed and loved our Gwen Stefani/No Doubt music series where we looked at lyrics and life together.

As requested, I am putting all the post links in one spot for easy finding and reading. Keep the tabs open; keep your hearts open.

Song Directory

Don’t Speak: Tragic Kingdom (looking at breakups and denial)

Simple Kind of Life: When the Simple Life Gets Complicated (looking at expectations, timelines, marriage, and where dreams go to die)

Hey Baby: Sipping on Chamomile (looking at the carefree days and being one of the guys)

Bathwater: Choking on All Our Contradictions (looking at self-respect, dating, and the baggage we tolerate)

Cool: The Dreaming Days (looking at whether love really ends and what it really means to be “cool”)

Underneath It All: You Make Me Better (looking at the factors when falling in love, despite the flaws)

4 In The Morning: Give Me Everything (looking at when we hold onto the toxic and vulnerability)

Early Winter: The Sun’s Getting Cold (looking at when things are broken and the seasons of the heart)

Used To Love You: I Don’t Know Why I Cry (looking at divorce and when things end)

Misery: Sensible (looking at the exciting beginning stages of a relationship)

Made Me Like You: I Was Fine Before (looking at giving love another chance)

Nobody But You: Wanna Say It Now, Wanna Make It Clear (looking at the healing and change intentional, committed love can bring)

Happy listening, reading and sharing.

Serenity

“For several days after that meeting I wanted only to be in places where the lights were bright and no one counted days.” Joan Didion, “Getting Serenity,” 1968

The words above were written by Didion after she attended a Gamblers Anonymous (G.A.) meeting. She said she hated the word “serenity” because she associated it with death— but it was overused in G.A. all the same.

Her words on the emotions that surfaced after attending the meeting are still relatable as I often find myself feeling this way regarding this warped reality we are in now.

En masse, we have lost serenity. And I truly think that living in the bright lights and not counting days and statistics is the only way back from the dead.

Anxious Times

“Anxiety is needless and imaginary. It’s fear about fear, fear that means nothing. Anxiety is diffuse and focuses on possibilities in an unknown future, not a real and present threat. […] Anxiety […] is dangerous paralysis.” Seth Godin, Linchpin

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Anxiety is something all humans encounter. We all experience it— some more than others. I do find Godin’s analysis of anxiety an interesting one. He presents it as something we choose to feed, and I think this is true. I find, personally, that anxiety stems from the moments when I am more self-absorbed and allowing my thoughts to run wild rather than finding a way to mold and guide my thoughts onto a more beneficial path.

More and more, I find myself surrounded by people who claim they are suffering within circumstances that don’t merit the reaction evoked. People spiral over the simplest things. Honestly, there are times when I wonder what makes people think they have it so hard. (This is where the self-absorbed element comes into play).

We live in a society where so many people are not only anxious but paralyzed. I have seen it in people’s faces on Zoom calls. That blank look. So much of this has to do with what we choose to feed in our minds. How in control are we of our thoughts and what we allow into our spheres and environments? Even within things you cannot choose, one can always find a choice.

To say this choice is not possible strips one of one’s God-given gift of free will. In a world that seems to be accepting and almost pushing paralysis as a status quo thing, I think we have to be strong enough to reject that. We have to shed our fear about fear, and decide to mold a better world both inside of us and externally. For the external is always a reflection of what we feed inside.

It takes resolve, selflessness and a sense of strong purpose.