Reaching Impressionable Minds With Hope

By: Gabriela Yareliz

How do we help children who have suffered the trauma of a broken home to have a vision for a better future?

This was something I was meditating on. Maybe you have thought about this if you come from a broken home or if you are parenting, co-parenting or step-parenting a child who has seen a broken home.

Can we inspire young people to something beyond what they have witnessed? And sadly, many of these children just keep seeing unhappy unions and unhappy homes all around them (life, media, etc.).

I was reflecting on this. How do we equip children? These were some of my thoughts:

1. First, we do ourselves a disservice when we act like we are responsible for our children’s future choices. That’s not the case, at all. Life happens. Circumstances happen. We can’t control whether the person our child marries turns out to be a rotten apple (or as we say in NYC, “an a**hole”) or whether our child will choose what is in their best interest. That was never our responsibility to begin with. That is never in our control. They aren’t robots, and kids from great, two-parent homes end up making some weird choices. Having a broken home isn’t the determining factor. (Of course, it can be a factor. That is why we are here. Life is full of factors.)

2. What can we do?

a. We can have conversations with them, to let them know when we (or others) haven’t made the best choices or to let them know that life can be different for them, despite anything they have seen. It’s good to establish a standard of what is ideal. Something to strive for.

b. We can be an example and show them the difference. We can start fresh and show them a life that reflects healthy relationships, personal growth, humility, and staying power (commitment).

3. And lastly, it may seem like conversations about theoretical scenarios and hypotheticals are useless in a generation whose attention is fleeting and hard to capture. And maybe, morale is low or we don’t yet have the ability to show a child in our life something different. Or maybe, the person who needs convincing is us, the adult.

How do we really reach a young impressionable mind with hope for the future and an opportunity to do things differently? My thoughts led me back to myself. I come from a single-parent home. My father and I were estranged for pretty much a decade. So, what I saw wasn’t an ideal. Interestingly, I still grew up with this sense of: I can have a good life, and I can get married forever and have a family. “My story doesn’t end here.” I can heal and grow and help others find healing. (It’s so important for us to use our experiences to help others— even if, at times, it can be a bit triggering— we are human). And while life is unpredictable and there are no guarantees, I am talking about hope and vision.

What gave me the hope I have was not so much what I saw around me in my reality in the humans in my life, but what I saw around me in the reality of the God in my life.

The answer is that the only prayer we can have to know something better is possible is through God.

You can’t control how your child will behave in the world or whether they will repeat your mistakes or act out on their worst traits or whatever— they are their own person. What you can do is make sure you are connecting them in a real and profound way to the source of all good things and transformation— GOD.

God was what made the difference in my life. So, while I saw things that weren’t encouraging, if we keep our sights and hearts connected to the source of life, we are filled with hope and the knowledge that we aren’t predestined to do certain things, or be a certain person, but that we can have the life we want. More importantly, we can have the life God wants for us.

4. God is the ultimate healer, Father, guide and lover of our soul. He fights for us. When you give a child the tools to connect with the ultimate source of ALL things, you give a child access to unlimited power and resources.

It’s true that children emulate and gather their vision from what they see around them, and that is why it’s so important to make sure they see God. It will always be that child’s choice to seek God in a grown capacity, but our responsibility is great when they are young. Again, we are talking about what we can control and what can make the difference. What made the difference in my life was that I was taught to seek God, earnestly. He was a source of solace, strength and power. I kept seeking Him, and He redefined my vision of what was possible for me (and continues to do so), no matter what I saw, elsewhere. This stands true, today. The point is I am not perfect, but I know who is. I know He wants good things for me, and I know what traits are marks of holiness and true love because I have been overwhelmed with His love in my heart. God is faithful, and He reaches us where we are.

This is the greatest gift you can give any person, and a game changer for those who have felt the darkness enclose around them. God is the key. He is the difference between a life of emulating and a life of creating. He created us to create, and He showed us first hand what it means to have love drive out all fear.

May He help us to have a godly vision of what life can be in Him, and may He help us raise children with the tools to seek Him and live out their best life possible.

It’s never our responsibility to have others make good choices. It’s our responsibility to simply teach them about the One who can empower them to do so. We are responsible for ourselves, and that is a separate topic, all on its own.

xoxo for now

“God is the key. He is the difference between a life of emulating and a life of creating. He created us to create”

Liberation

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Sometimes, life feels like some weird social experiment. Have you noticed? People seem to get less caring and crazier, by the minute. And by crazy, I don’t mean funny-cute-wild, but reckless-not appreciating-consequences-and-mental-health-issue crazy. Life on this sinful planet can make us a bit crazy.

Life’s pain and unpredictability can leave us like a nauseated person on a boat: Unable to lift our heads and paralyzed.

This reminds me of this month’s holidays. During the Passover, Israel was quite literally enslaved, and there didn’t seem to be a way out. During Easter, people were enslaved by their expectations and another foreign power’s yoke.

But you see, if we are going to celebrate Passover and Easter, we don’t so much celebrate some ancient story, but instead, we celebrate what the story means for us, today.

Do you celebrate Passover?

Remember:

We may be slaves, but we serve a mighty God who has heard our cry.

The promise has been made: Liberation is coming.

The blood of the Lamb is on the doorway.

You and those in your home will be saved by your faith and intercession.

Step into the Red Sea, to see it part.

You will reach the other side.

You will be victorious.

You will sing your song.

You are chosen.

You are being led by the cloud by day and fire, by night.

He will take you to the fulfillment of His promise because He is faithful.

Do you celebrate Easter?

Remember:

The Lamb came. Love risked it all.

The cross is before us.

The price has been paid by His blood. God gave Himself to redeem His own creation.

The stone of the tomb is gone.

The men who walked with Him were forever changed.

Those men changed the world, by their witness.

They saw him.

He is ALIVE.

He has conquered everything, including death.

He is sitting on the throne.

He has made a promise.

He offers us the free gift of redemption.

The Lamb is here.

God with us– leaving the Holy Spirit, God in us.

Whatever you are thinking about or celebrating, know victory is HERE. This season is all about hope. Not empty hope, but hope that literally infuses us with life. Hope that changes our lives. Hope that takes us to victory. Hope that points to the Lamb of God. Hope that frees us.

This season, know that He lives. If you feel abandoned. If you feel far from your purpose or your promise, call on Him. He hasn’t forgotten you. Liberation is promised. Liberation is now. Liberation is inevitable because He is alive forevermore. He reigns.

HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END.

HE IS THE ALMIGHTY GOD WHO HOLDS YOU. No one stops this God from coming through. He loves us in our weakness.

He was. He is. He will be.

Today, He reminds you of the freedom He offers. It’s the only freedom that is real.

Weaponizing Race

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This is probably not a spiel you are used to, so hear me out:

Today, I witnessed a disturbing thing on a playground. Let me set up the scene: It was a new playground, with a very cool and unique swing. There was only one of these swings, and two sisters were on the swing, constantly. They monopolized it. The sisters were girls of color (this is an important detail, and that is the only reason why I am being specific).

Many kids waited for a turn on this one unique swing, but they often walked away disappointed because the girls on the swing would taunt them, would stick their tongues out and tell them to go away and were essentially bullying other children away from the swing. These girls were taller and appeared to be older than the other children.

A young boy and his sister (both white) wanted to go on this swing, and when the mother of the two sisters, who were monopolizing the swing, came to check on them, they made up a story that the young boy and his sister had cursed them out. That didn’t happen. I was watching the entire time. The young boy and his sister had waited patiently, and they had even twirled in place, like little nerds, as they waited, with high hopes, to ride the swing.

The young boy and his sister got a turn on the swing, but the bullying girls were upset they were forced to give up the swing, so they told their father the young boy had called them the “N-Word”.

At this point, I was like you have got to be kidding me. I wanted to get involved, but then, the accused children’s father finally showed up.

Observations from me (a woman of color– so don’t come at me like I don’t know what is going on here):

1. This issue wouldn’t have occurred had the parents actually been watching what was going on with their children. WATCH YOUR KIDS!

2. The young black girls were bullying other children, and when they didn’t get what they wanted, they tried to hurt the children and retaliate by lying. What was worse was that they used their race and weaponized it. As someone who has experienced genuine racism, this is just disgusting. These girls lied and said innocent kids they had bullied had used a racial slur on them.

I hope that parents everywhere will pay attention and not raise entitled children who instead of empowering their race, choose to weaponized it. This was horrible, and if this is the world we are creating and the children we are raising, then man, we people of color need to do a better job. That world is no better than the world of white privilege and oppression.

Racism is real and it stings, however lying about it should never be used as a weapon to your advantage. Lying about anything should never be used to your advantage. It will always be wrong, and what happened today on the playground seems to be a reflection of so many larger and publicized issues in the news, lately (Jussie Smollett).

Where have integrity and honesty landed? I am asking because I really don’t see it around here, in any color.

Spring

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Somehow, I ended up in that train car. It’s one I seldom end up on. It’s the one that starts in the Upper East Side and goes to Brooklyn filled with young, hip, beautiful people.

You have the friends who are chatty and distracted, standing at the poll, giggling every time they almost fall. They are the ones who laugh when they miss their stop. There is the model looking girl with her Zara bags and phone glow on her falsies, as she is glued to her phone when we enter the dark tunnel.

The cool girl with the natural hair, with the military green jacket and Louis Vuitton satchel, the want-to-be athletic ones that wear their athleisure to brunch but not to an actual workout, and the international students who switch from Hindi to English, who are having a serious conversation about subway ads.

Even though it’s just as cold as it was a month ago (if not more), people are sticking to the “it’s spring” program. That means wearing shorts, t-shirts under thin minimalist hoodies and those pants that are cropped enough to make your ankles turn blue, despite the spray tan. (Are people seriously not cold?)

Here in NYC, we are forcing spring upon ourselves, at any cost. However, when we sneeze, it’s cold enough to wonder if it’s the flu or allergies.

Seasons are a magical thing, especially when we are in the middle of the transition. (Here, that transition from winter to spring lasts through June).

King Solomon wrote there is a season for everything. Spring, we are ready for you (as you can probably tell by our wardrobe choices). And just as seasons come and go, and there is a rhythm we have learned to expect from nature, though sometimes tainted by predictions from that groundhog that politicians are constantly “accidentally” killing, life has it’s rhythms, growth and transition. There is no point in forcing it, and a date certainly doesn’t magically turn everything into something different. The first day of spring certainly didn’t kill the NYC winter that has us in its arctic grip. But we can certainly prepare for the transition. There is nothing wrong with being ready for more life.

Time trickles by, and the sun comes out. We are called from our rest, darkness and lethargy to sunshine, life and action.

Spring has always been my favorite. Easter comes with it. It’s a time of new beginnings, resurrection and new life. The old gets put away, the heavy layers and protection are folded neatly and stored away, and we make way for transformation.

Camping

By: Gabriela Yareliz

In our camp, no one needs people to throw water on their fire. No. The world is full of those people. The people we need in our camp are the ones who love good conversation, love the warmth of the fire (and some s’mores), they do a little dance, and the ones who will feed the fire with new wood when the flame starts getting weak.

Cannes

Festival de Cannes 2019– we are ready for you. Can’t wait for May! I have posted about this festival, here, for almost a decade. The month of May is the greatest. One of the things on my bucket list is to visit Cannes in May. It’s a symbol of talent, beauty, class, international stars from all my favorite cinemas are on the same red carpet, and it’s a particularly feminist moment.

“Pour moi, l’imperfection et la beauté ne sont pas du tout incompatible. J’aime les failles (…) j’aime tous que n’est pas parfait. Une belle femme (est) forte, instinctive.” Leila Bekhti

“For me, imperfection and beauty are not incompatible. I love flaws (…) I love everything imperfect. A beautiful woman (is) strong, instinctive.” Leila Bekhti

You are worth it. (L’Oreal Paris has always been right).*

*Not sponsored.

Assuming the Risk

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Why is it that we are angry at God or attribute bad things to God, yet we fail to assume responsibility for our own choices? People (me included!) want others to assume responsibility for their choices. Only fair, right? When they don’t, and that hurts us, we often then think it’s God’s fault, ironically then absolving us of any responsibility from the situation. (Today, we are talking about situations and circumstances where we did make a choice, even if we ended up with a result we didn’t anticipate or desire). Granted, you can’t control other people’s actions (and neither can God), but oftentimes, it’s our own choices that place us in the path of certain disasters.

People choose lifestyles, locations, they have sex (or don’t), they have children (or don’t), they date (or don’t), they get married (or don’t), they get divorced (or don’t)– and then, they are angry at God, as if they didn’t choose that action, place, behavior, life or person. (Or they ignore the choices of other humans they chose to be with).

Suddenly, the poor and bad consequences from our own actions become our evidence against God and His character, in our minds– but it’s delusional. We all make choices. And people are so fast to hold others responsible for theirs, so why can’t we own up to our choices?

“Suddenly, the poor and bad consequences from our own actions become our evidence against God and His character, in our minds– but it’s delusional.”

Erwin McManus recently wisely said something along the lines of: we blame something external (the devil or God) and sometimes fail to see the darkness within us.

Sometimes, we have to forgive God for that which He did not do and heal that relationship, and forgive ourselves for our humanity. Life isn’t about perfection. It’s also not a life where people are God’s marionettes. Life is filled with decisions and risks. We take risks, and assume the risk of our choices, no matter what the result.

May we always continue to strive to see God for who He really is: Real, good, never outdated, always present, always fair, true, faithful, Love.

Game Changers

By: Gabriela Yareliz

It’s Women’s Month. You know, I had never really paid so much attention to this and the March 8th holiday (International Women’s Day), until I started dating this amazing man who celebrates me, not only on March 8th, but every day. Apparently, this has been a legit holiday in Europe, for a while. I feel like we just started hearing about it and emphasizing it here in the states, just recently. He spoils me.

Okay, so every day is women’s day. Equality is always in vogue. And I will say that when you are in a relationship with someone who believes in you 1000% (sometimes more than you believe in yourself), it sort of makes you relax into this authentic state, one without frills, but one filled with power.

Growing up with a strong, authentic and warrior woman (my mother), I always felt like I could hold my own. I felt like a boxer going into the ring of life, ready to fight. That’s not to say that I no longer fight for what I want– I really do. (I am a lawyer, who is always down for a good fight). But having someone who backs you up, and who you don’t have to prove yourself to, makes a world of a difference. It’s nice to have people you can hang up the gloves with. I hadn’t really experienced that.

People often don’t realize that there are people who have luxuries of financial wealth and networks and all kinds of things that get you to places faster, and in a no-sweat-blood-and-tears kind of fashion (I do not know this life). Society and so many jobs are designed, many times, for people with expansive safety nets and trust funds. (That’s actually why some jobs pay so little. I think it’s in P.S. I Love You, that one of the ladies says that you have to be rich to afford to go crazy or do art, or something like that. She isn’t too far off). Reality is very different for many of us who don’t have that. And often, while we are fighting for a place in this world that comes so easily to others, we often find ourselves trapped in weird expectation bubbles, simply because we are women.

I wanted to take a moment to discuss some things that keep popping up that remind me of what it can mean to be authentically you. This isn’t to say that people who do the opposite aren’t authentic. But this is to say that, sometimes, people act a certain way or engage in patterns of behavior simply because it’s an expectation or because someone else decided it was necessary.

Here are some movements that remind us that there are some women who don’t care what the expectation is or who has set it. And even if you don’t agree with this in particular, maybe there is something close to your heart that makes you feel more authentically you, and maybe this will inspire you to do it or embrace it.

Biological Clocks: Tik Tok

“Twentysomething men are freer than women to screw up both personally and professionally — all studies say they’re going to come out on top eventually. Women do not have this assurance, and so craft these timelines in an attempt to establish a modicum of control in a world where motherhood — even with a supportive partner — remains incompatible with professional fulfillment. Flexible work schedules are elusive, child care is horrifically expensive, and stay-at-home dads are stigmatized: Fixing this stuff would require huge political efforts and a major cultural shifts.” The Cut, The Real Reason Twentysomething Women Are Worried, by Ann Friedman

I don’t agree entirely with this article (so don’t read it and judge me), but it’s filled with data and some truths (and untruths). (Take it for what it’s worth). Regardless, here is the deal: We (women) have biological clocks (and men do too, actually). Women have to work, at times, twice as hard as men to have the same family and career a man has. And while men are freer to screw up and do and undo, I feel a lot of women used to abide by a fear of their biological clock. And listen, that isn’t entirely gone. I think that will always be some weird looming shadow over a woman.

I will say this: I see there are more women waiting longer to have children. And as long as you aren’t putting yourself and the baby in some crazy risky situation (there are realities), women are finally giving themselves permission to hold on to their careers and decide things in a way that benefits them, as well, as opposed to earlier years, where things seemed very one-sided.

And forget career advancement and retention, etc., more importantly, women are waiting until they are the best version of themselves and ready to offer a child an upgrade of their own childhood, before having children. If this isn’t responsible, I don’t know what is. I think this is important and worth mentioning.

Fur & Cycle Syncing: Everything down there

Women are no longer abiding by weirdo male fantasies of nine-year old girls (*enter Fur Oil*) or men who think it’s gross when a woman acknowledges that she menstruates (grow up). Women are changing the conversation around body hair, they are tracking their cycles and stepping away from traditional hormonal birth control, and at the same time, being more responsible regarding family planning.

Au Natural and Grays

“‘It’s my favorite thing about myself,’ says Sophia Roe, a social-­media star, chef, and wellness advocate who was sixteen when she started seeing silver. Now 30, she is the proud owner of copious tinsel-like ringlets that punctuate her otherwise onyx curls. ‘It’s like I got bopped in the head with a magical stick.'” VOGUE, Should I Break Up With My Hair Colorist to Go Gray?

Women are embracing non-toxic beauty (in every sense of the term) and learning how to do the most with what they have. While there is a whole generation plastering more pigments and chemicals on their faces, more than ever before (you have seen them on IG)– there is also a rising generation of women who are watching what their skin absorbs, becoming stronger and more physically fit and not rushing to fit into conventional beauty.

 

When I see these shifts, I recognize how different and empowering this is, versus what some of us have culturally grown up with or what our parents grew up in. And some of us had parents who fit into this authenticity long before it was cool. Here is to hoping we can relax more into who we were created to be, rather than fighting to fit into a box built by a random industry or person, years ago.

As we reflect on Women’s Month, and what it means, and as we remember all we have overcome to reach where we are now, may we continue to search for ways to empower ourselves and others into living more authentically (men and women). When we spend less energy trying to fit into a weird mold, we can spend more energy on being light and healing ourselves and the world around us.

 

This is what life is like

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This isn’t a profound discourse, today. In fact, I was going to do my whole spiel on fertility, biological clocks (our damnation), and the OB-GYN, but I figured that could wait (you’re welcome). We can talk about that after a fun pelvic exam. The emotions will be a lot more raw, then. Also, is it just me, or is everyone pregnant, trying to get pregnant, depressed because they aren’t pregnant, or counting how many viable years they have to get pregnant? (More on this in another post). (@EarthyAndy’s pregnancy was goals, by the way). Me, I had a dream that I was pregnant and woke up in a sweat thanking my sweet Jesus I was not. Again, that post can wait.

As you know, (and if you didn’t, you are about to find out), people find me in times of crisis. It’s like emotional turmoil arrives, and my face is somehow the one that pops into people’s heads. I usually only get the texts that are the dreaded ones in normal people’s lives, therefore, I try to stay away from my phone and have disabled notifications. I am trying to keep cortisol down.

There are times when some of your most disastrous and heartbreaking moments in life hit you like a ton of bricks, and at other times, those moments feel far away.

It’s like you are standing there and thinking— wow, that was me, even though it seems like a lifetime ago. It’s like having an out-of-body experience with your own memories.

But this post isn’t about those moments. In fact, it’s about the exact opposite. I talk to a lot of people whose worlds are falling apart (triggering at times), but I think something that keeps coming to my mind is how so many people get stuck thinking about those sad moments or spend energy and time being tied to harmful, hurtful, narcissistic people or memories. Their joy is drained.

What if we focused on the moments and things that make us feel more alive? Sometimes, when you have endured so much pain, when joy comes into your life you have this lightbulb moment.

I have had moments like those. It may be an embrace, a sunset, a good apple picking, a quiet walk, a good laugh with a significant other— it’s those moments that make you say, “This is what life is like.” This is what you prayed life could be. See, it’s not all pain– there can be joy and wholeness.

I am writing this, short and sweet, today, to share that we need more of those moments. Create them. Place yourself in the way of them. Stay there for a bit.

So much of what ails us physically starts in our hearts and minds. Fear, unresolved anger, hurt. I hope we can heal our hearts and therefore heal our bodies. You owe yourself joy. I wish you so many moments, where you look around in awe and think, “This is what life is like.” We need more of those.