“Dark Faith”

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I read a brilliant article about Mother Teresa and her “spiritual darkness,” in The Week . The article was called, “Mother Teresa sometimes didn’t believe in God. That makes her an example of faith.” Provocative.

Mother Teresa recently became a “Saint.” I remember after reading her journal in high school, how impacted I was by some of the experiences she recounts. I couldn’t believe she still hadn’t met the criteria for what the Catholic Church deems as sainthood. Wasn’t her life enough of a miracle?

The article I read mentioned the fact that some of her writings are at times edited to not include her moments of spiritual darkness, or what some would call disbelief, in efforts to not discourage the readers.

The article points out, and I agree wholeheartedly, that faith isn’t having it all together. Faith is a journey, that very much so includes the moments when you are angry at God or questioning God.

You see, we need truth, the article states. Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry is right when he wrote:

“She showed us how to persevere, in the dark night, in spite of everything, even one’s demons. That is not lack of faith, that is true faith. May we all have her faith. Yes, even dark faith, even the pain and abandonment of the Cross.”

Yes. That is true faith. Hanging in there, and groping your way out of a long, dark night.

At one point in high school, while I was reading a book of quotations of Mother Teresa on the school bus rides (I always admired her so much and sort of found comfort in her solitude and reflection), I was also reading through the book of Psalms by King David. I had a little green pocket New Testament, that included Psalms and Proverbs. This was my bus reading material.

I remember that I sometimes thought King David had serious issues. One day he was dancing, and the next day, he was sobbing to God because someone was out to kill him (a totally legitimate reason to cry out to God, I admit). It hasn’t been until years later, after weathering a few dark nights of my own, that I better understand King David’s joy and anguish.

I am reminded that God never edited people’s lives in the Bible. King David’s sobs and adultery are there; Moses murdering the Egyptian and his fear of speaking before Pharaoh is there; Abraham’s doubt in the dark night after being promised that his descendants would be innumerable like the stars is there; Jacob’s lies and his tormenting love story are there; Samson’s weakness for women is there; Solomon’s derailment is there; Jeremiah’s weeping is there; Joseph in prison for doing what was right is there.

You see, I haven’t posted in a while. I thought of so many things that are on my mind. We could talk about how bankers get to do their work in nice clothes, with a bowl of lollipops in front of them all day; the election circus; how to transition your summer wardrobe into fall (if I see this headline one more time– I will vomit); how matte lipsticks dry out your lips; how men’s razors are better than women’s razors; how amazing love is– but that’s not what is really on my mind, tonight. This is on my mind; this concept of “dark faith.”

I am thinking about those who surround me. Each person has a story. Many of us have been demoralized in life. Life has “swept the floor” with us, so to speak. We feel broken, more often than not, and weary. Sometimes, it’s not even the fact that we are angry at God or questioning. Sometimes, we are just so unmistakeably exhausted that it’s like we hold our hands up in the air, and we don’t say a word. There is nothing more to say. We grope our way around the corners of life, hoping we won’t stub our toe or experience even more pain. We harden ourselves, sometimes. We hide. Sometimes, we question. Sometimes, we aren’t sure we believe all that we know has been proven true.

We find ourselves in the dark, with a heart, heavy, but filled with divine promise, as Abraham did. And that’s okay. This is what I want to say. It’s okay. Because the “Heroes of Faith” in scripture are so much more than the names listed in Hebrews 11. It’s the people sprinkled throughout the whole book. It’s you and me. It’s the Bible characters who lied, cheated, killed, doubted, and chose wrong. It’s the transformation of each of those lives. It’s the whole journey. The whole story. Light shines in darkness, and the love of God has shined into our darkness. The darkness is there. The darkness is real. Oh is it real. Our hurts, our brokenness, the betrayals we experience, the insecurities we are left with, the abandonment we have faced– it’s all real. And we are left groping. It’s part of our journey. Our unedited journey. It’s truth. And the truth will set us free.

Mother Teresa faced the ugliness of humanity with compassion. She often faced her own demons and disbelief with confusion and frustration. That wasn’t the end. This is a journey. A journey where divine Love saves the day and light breaks forth like the noonday sun.

Night doesn’t last forever. It didn’t for Saint Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and our nights won’t last forever, either. This darkness is important– it may be the turning point, what the story hinges on. So remember, no editing. 

This manuscript of a life needs to remain complete. Because that is faith. Faith is persevering through the whole journey. 

Give Us

“Give us this day our daily bread.” Matthew 6:11

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I was listening to an old Kidd Kraddick in the Morning podcast from 2013. Kidd Kraddick was still alive and was the main host of the radio show.

He was reading a letter sent in from a woman who had been struggling financially. She said she had been at a super market buying eggs and bread, or something like that, when her card was declined. She was humiliated that she didn’t have money to pay. She began to cry and walk away from the register, leaving her groceries, when a man stepped in and paid for her groceries.

She was so stunned. Then, the man picked something up off of the floor. It was money. He said, “Miss, you dropped this.” She assured him she hadn’t dropped anything. Then, she noticed he was trying to give her money in a subtle way. She was so stunned she took the money, and she said she was so shocked she didn’t even remember if she thanked the man. She took her groceries home and then counted the money the man had given her. There were $200 dollars. She was shocked. She used this money to buy more food.

She asked the cashier if she knew who the man was; the one who had paid her bill. The cashier told her it was J-si Chavez from the Kidd Kraddick Morning Show. The woman wrote the letter to the show to say thank you. J-si had no idea the letter had come in and was going to be read on air.

J-si simply said, when I saw her, I saw myself seeing my single mother struggling when money was tight.

This story touched me deeply. You see, part of the model prayer says, “Give us this day our daily bread.” It doesn’t say “give me this day my daily bread.” Instead, it’s in the plural. We all belong to each other. We aren’t just to worry about ourselves, but instead, we are to care for one another. I loved when J-si talked about identifying with the woman he helped. That’s often what it takes. We must stop long enough to see someone else where they are and realize that could have been or has been us in the past.

We are God’s hands and feet. We all need each other.

6 Years of Aisha

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By: Gabriela Yareliz

On August 6, 2010, this funny, stylish, Bollywood adaptation of the Jane Austen classic, Emma, was released.

Aisha is a hard-to-forget film. It was the first film where I really loved Sonam Kapoor’s performance. And while it has its cheesy moments, it has some fantastic dialogue, clothes, songs– and Sonam is just stunning in it.

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I have never watched Clueless, and I was never a Mean Girls fan. I was an Aisha girl. I remember learning some killer Hindi phrases, full of wit, from this film.

Here is to orchestrating things, being vulnerable, trying to make sure everyone is happy and friendship. Aisha taught us, even with the best intentions, things can get messy. But true friendship remains.

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[Images from Tumblr]

Praying for Italy

By: Gabriela Yareliz

The town of Amatrice, Italy was destroyed by an earthquake. Praying for all who are suffering loss.

This tragedy brought memories of the 2009 earthquake in Italy. Below, is a song I absolutely love that was recorded by popular Italian artists to raise money for the cause.

Tuesday Badinage: August 23, 2016

By: Gabriela Yareliz

In court, I ran into an opposing counsel who had on two different shoes.

“I will fess up to you,” he said to me as I walked with a colleague.

He told me that in the morning, as he was taking off his shoes after driving, changing into work shoes, he only managed to put on one work shoe and forgot to change the other. The other shoe was an Adidas slider (with a black sports sock). He didn’t realize he was wearing two different shoes until he was in court and a colleague pointed it out.
I was walking behind him as he was faking a limp. He said faking the limp made it so people didn’t ask him questions about his mismatched shoes. I laughed in disbelief. This is what court does to some– it makes them lose their mind.

Here’s to summer madness and wearing whatever shoe you want on each foot! #limpsoldseperately

Dialogue of the week:

“Don’t call her Leo! It makes me think of Leonard DiCaprio!” (G)

“I don’t think about Leonardo DiCaprio. I forget he is still alive, okay?” (F)

Success, Virgin Births And Ordinary Miracles

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This past week, I was listening to a “Pocket Pardon My French” podcast, by Garance Doré, about the meaning of success. This is a word and yardstick that tortures young adults and adults, alike. It’s the stuff children’s dreams are made of. Garance spoke about how true success, to her, is knowing and taking care of herself.

Someone on the podcast made a point that really made me think. The woman said that sometimes we forget, especially those of us who aren’t from NYC, that just the fact that we live, eat and breathe in a city that is tough on even those who have always been here (and tough on anyone who isn’t rich)– this is a form of success. Having a job, a home and a meal in a city like NYC, at a young age, is accomplishment. These are the “givens” in life that perhaps we take for granted. Perhaps, this, in and of itself, is a miracle. With the way the rental market and job market are in this city, living in this city is a miracle for those who want to accept it as one.

I was reading in C.S. Lewis’ book Miracles that miracles are often not so radical as we think them to be. They can be simple things, and therefore, it can be reasonable to believe in them. Allow me to explain using an example he uses: the virgin birth. (Not the typical “simple miracle” you probably expected me to refer to)…

Christians believe in a God who became incarnate to rescue us Himself from sin and the separation from God we had chosen. Some may argue the idea of a virgin birth is too far fetched or a radical miracle. (Despite the fact that it was to be a prophetic indicator of the Messiah).

C.S. Lewis explains why it’s not so “odd”:

How is it that a child is “generated,” so to speak?

“A microscopic particle of matter from his [a man’s] body, and a microscopic particle from the woman’s body, meet.” Miracles, 224

This we know. I just like how it’s explained.

And there, in these particles are features and characteristics that have been passed down for generations.

“Behind every spermatozoon lies the whole history of the universe: locked within it lies no inconsiderable part of the world’s future.” Id.

“If we believe that God created Nature… The human father is merely an instrument, a carrier, often an unwilling carrier, always simply the last in a long line of carriers– a line that stretches back far beyond his ancestors into pre-human and pre-organic deserts of time, back to the creation of matter itself. That line is in God’s hand. It is the instrument by which He normally creates a man.” Id at 225.

“No woman ever conceived a child, no mare a foal, without Him [God].” Id.

So, if we believe God created Nature and created us, we recognize that God has always been behind the creation of man. God has placed things in Nature to make such a thing occur, yet still, each human being is a gift from God. A creation of God. Each birth, its own miracle.

And regarding the virgin birth and why it is believable:

“But once, and for a special purpose, He [God] dispensed with that long line which is His instrument: once His life-giving finger touched a woman without passing through the ages of interlocked events. Once the great glove of Nature was taken off His hand. His naked hand touched her. There was of course a unique reason for it. That time He was creating not simply a man but the Man who was to be Himself: was creating Man anew: was beginning, at this divine and human point, the New Creation of all things. The whole soiled and weary universe quivered at this direct injection of essential life– direct, uncontaminated, not drained through all the crowded history of Nature.” Id.

Similarly, when Christ turned the water into wine at the wedding in Cana, we see that God is always the provider of all things. It is because of God’s blessing that vines grow grapes and wine can be made. So, therefore, why do we complicate the miracle? Does not wine and all things come about through the same hand?

The point C.S. Lewis makes is that we see such miracles as radical acts, when really, all things come out of the hand of God. Even when they arrive to us through Nature, a system God has put in place. What makes a miracle is not the source of the provision, but simply the fact that God is injecting Himself, His hand, without the “glove of Nature,” as C.S. Lewis likes to call it.

And so miracles, can be simple and undramatic if we recognize how the universe ordinarily works. It made me wonder, what in my life was I taking for granted? Am I expecting some miracle in dramatic proportions? Where have I seen God inject His naked hand to bring me to some point or to transform a situation?

Maybe, it took me reaching month 8 out of 12; and reflection of what success really means to me; realizing I live in a city that demands success to even make it out alive– that I realized I am living perhaps a miracle of my own, even in what I thought was ordinary. I realized I may be in a pretty fantastic place in my life.

Despite my struggles and the things I have yet to achieve– here I am, and I wouldn’t be here without God holding me and bringing me here.

So on this 8th month, I declare that 2016 has challenged me, but I am happy to say, I have stood up to the challenge. That has to count for something. Incredible things have happened. No virgin births *grin* but I know there have been moments where God’s naked hand has injected itself in my life. We truly live in God’s presence.

I am learning to appreciate the ordinary miracles (a paradox, I know)… Or maybe, this means that not much is ordinary.

The Hours: August 20, 2016

The most random, memorable pieces of conversation from the day. Because sometimes, people say things that make you *double take*. – Gabriela Yareliz

8:39: “‘We overcome things, all sorts of things–including granola. She’s my bestie!'” (F sending me a quote from someone else)
8:55: “Where is this quote from? Cute.” (G)
8:56: “You, on August 20, 2009.” (F)
8:57: “The things that come out of my mouth.” (G)

***
9:50: “They are decrepitly old.” (T)
***
10:57: “We have these elections where we have two criminals we need to choose from.” (L)

10:57: “Perhaps this makes the rest of the world have sympathy on us. We are going through difficult times as a nation. Look at the flooding in Louisiana…” (G)

***

11:27: “The way you answered that comment about the elections… That could have gone in many ways. That was very diplomatic and very smooth, I might add.” (N)

***

11:35: “Your name is Manny? That has to be short for something else.” (E)
11:35: “No. My name is just Manny.” (MG)
11:35: “But–” (E)
11:36: “It’s just Manny. My mother was a simple woman.” (MG)

***
12:00: “I am so cold.” (G)
12:00: “I am okay. Usually, I am cold. Maybe, I still have heat from the sun at the beach last Sunday. Yes.” (L)

***

12:10: “Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of any good relationship.” (H)

***
12:15: “You look skinner, but you survived!” (H)

***
12:45: “It must have been wonderful to go to Yeshiva.” (MG)
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1:00: “It was the best of the best.” (M)

***
1:24: “You stay faithful to God, do what’s best for you and keep walking forward.” (MG)

***
1:30: “Why are you carrying so many books? Can’t you get them in a digital format?”(M)
1:30: “You can’t smell them in the digital format.” (G)

***

Collecting the Pearls

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This week, I visited the most beautiful estate with someone very special to me. It was a fantastic day trip. The estate was sprinkled with beautiful, climbable trees; manicured green grass; complete with the picturesque and harmless giant black ants that look like the type that would steal away your picnic sandwich. The estate was quiet, a quiet that makes you feel like you can hear the apples growing on the trees. Yes, there were apples growing on trees. There was a certain softness to the place. It was made complete by a large rose garden, exploding with all kinds of plants, including a hot pink mystery plant; there was a family of deer I am pretty sure I scared; a little stream hidden in the woods, and a giant library filled with books.

In this giant library, I saw all kinds of books. I think there was a multi-volume series called “The Struggle,” or was it “The Crisis”? I nominate that as the series of 2016. *I am laughing guys*

And so I finished off the week, and my mind was wandering to that beautiful place. I just came out of an almost three hour meeting. It is in those moments of brain fry that we treasure the small stream, quiet library and rose gardens the most. Mentally, we are chasing the family of deer, hoping the deer will think we are cute enough to be adopted into their circle of trust. You know, that circle and relationship where they don’t run away. #deergoals #Iamcute

This week, like this year, was filled with difficult moments and memorable moments. When you work with people, you face being insulted and yelled at by mentally impaired; you face people who make your existence harder because they dislike where they are in their own life and you face joys, lots of joys and cute deer.

My week, post-day trip reminded me how therapeutic nature is. How it changes our state of mind and how it affects our emotions. I keep coming back to the deer. To be fair, one can find magic in the city, too. It’s a different kind of magic. Yesterday, I saw a sunset that was breathtaking. Just now, on the train, a child blew some bubbles that caught the side of my eye. I saw the glossy globes move across the train until they came to pop and sanitize, in a spritz, the gross train floor and a guy’s brown Converse sneakers. Life is filled with so many moments that help us get through the difficult moments.

I have come to realize how important it is to have these moments. To be aware. We need to find these moments. Not everything in life can be a struggle and mortifying. Take a long walk and hold the hand of someone you love, so you can remember that when someone else treats you with contempt. Sit outside on a warm toasty day, so you can remember that warmth on the cold rainy days to come. Admire the flowers so you can remember their scent when you are crossing the street in the snow, in winter months.

There is a quote that basically says that nothing lasts forever; not the good times and certainly not the bad times. Every moment has something (beauty, a person, an idea, a detail) we can treasure. Let’s take those opportunities, and collect the pearls for the moments that seem dark and endless. Because nothing is endless, except Love.

PS. Sending my hellos to my deer friends upstate. (Was that estate really in upstate? Ehh– it was outside of the city, and people would leave their car doors unlocked and windows down… Yes, I will count it as upstate).