Expect miracles.
That means leaving behind negative
people
energy
conversations
forces
projections
and
excuses
complaints
It adds nothing and subtracts everything.
Remember, you find what you are looking for.
-GY
By: Gabriela Yareliz
I really believe that a lot of healing comes from reframing things. And I don’t mean reframing things to look better than they actually were, but I mean reframing things so we can see what actually happened. Often, when we remove ourselves from the lens, we see things more clearly, and we can deal with the hurt in our souls a lot better. When we see what the truth and root of the matter is, a lot of things can make sense.
I have been talking a lot about accountability, values and relationships recently, which is something society at large lacks so much of. (Politics seems to provoke these topics). They affect everything, especially our relationships with others.
One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is be self-aware and work on our own baggage and characters and how it affects how we relate to others. I have caught myself triggered or going down a line of reasoning that I later reflect on, and I realize my reaction didn’t match a situation as much as it matched a fear deeply entrenched in me from a past hurt.
When I come to these realizations, I often apologize after spending time in quiet reflection and prayer thinking about how I can heal that, especially when I am triggered or provoked by attitudes or words I can’t control. The truth is my own reactions are what are in my control, and I take full responsibility for that.
Aren’t relationships rods that poke us, and when they hit a bruise, we whimper from the pain? Sometimes, I have felt foolish, not for my initial reaction but for being self-aware about it. Is it stupid to call yourself out on your own behavior that you are striving so hard to fix and begging God to transform? Does it sound too I-am-my-own-therapist?
I felt sort of foolish for a good day or two this week after calling myself out on something, and it’s a familiar feeling I have felt when I have discerned my own flaws and spoken about that discernment. My feeling of foolishness or perhaps shame went away when I heard the quote below, and while the situation doesn’t apply to me and it may not apply to you (the infidelity she speaks of), the underlying principle and talk about baggage applies to all:
“To my queens out there who have been cheated on by their men— it’s not your fault. Stop making it your fault. To my kings out there that have been cheated on by their women, stop making it your fault. Yes, women cheat, too. Now, here is the thing— sex is one of the strongest forces in the universe that we have to deal with.
This is about self-mastery. It’s not even about what is going on in the relationship. This is about self-mastery. Ok, so if you think just because somebody says they love you or you think just because they want to be in a relationship with you that that’s gonna dissolve all of their traumas they come with, you know what I am saying, or that they are gonna know how to deal with their traumas, nah. People are going to mess up.
So here is the thing— make sure you are with someone who is interested in mastering themselves and everything they come with. I know that there is a lot of pain that comes from infidelity, but relationships are a spiritual endeavor. Just make sure you are with someone who is worth it.” Jada Pinkett Smith
“Relationships aren’t about being with someone who is perfect, but being with someone who is constantly trying to master themselves.” Julianne Hough
So, there it is. I realized that my desire to master myself and all I carry in me, it isn’t foolish, even if it is seen as strange or treated with a certain detachment by others, and even if I repeat the mistake on my way to healing the hurt that serves as the root. In fact, that is what we are all supposed to be doing.
I agree that relationships are a spiritual endeavor. They fail because of spiritual things, like: lack of values and lack of temperance (self-control) and not caring. They fail because of all of these things, which means it may be logical to think they succeed when we do the opposite. They succeed when we have values, when we have self-control, and when we care. Most importantly, a thing to remember about spiritual endeavors is that it starts with ourselves, not with anyone else.
What needs a reframe in your mind? What is the root of your matter?
By: Gabriela Yareliz
Finding love is such a mindf***, as they say. Relationships are hard work, but I think the hardest thing of all that determines the rest of the story is finding that person. Who. People come together, oftentimes, for shallow reasons, (not always). But regardless of why or how they come together, the following is always true: whether it lasts rests on character.
I recently saw in the news that Vincent Cassel (51) wed Tina Kunakey (21). (We will not discuss the age gap– that is another post for another day).
I was surprised. I had been disconnected from monsieur Cassel, and I hadn’t seen him with anyone other than his ex-wife, a favorite icon of mine who has made many appearances on this blog, Monica Bellucci. (Seen above, and yes, I still want to age as well as her).
It has always fascinated me how, in human stories, we gather strength and try again. Whether it’s in love, life– anything. We can rise from anything and try again. We can be at the lowest low, and a year later, be continents away from where we started (figuratively and literally).
No matter what your story is, it’s important to value the new starts in life. It shouldn’t be cheapened or treated as unimportant. It shouldn’t be clouded by the past. It should be embraced. If you are going to be happy, 1) Get up; 2) Make sure you never settle; 3) Celebrate the new, well; 4) Be happy.
In this life, many shuffle along numb, defeated and distracted. But not you, no. Rise again. Wear that lavender shirt. (I see you, Cassel). Smile. When you get that second chance, show the world what it means to live.
By: Gabriela Yareliz
Hello, friends. Here we are. At the end of another month. It has been one of a lot of growth for me, I feel. One of those months where you feel the way gum looks when you lift up your shoe, and it is stretched into little strings. Expanded.
Here are some of the things that have been on my mind:
I was talking to a friend who was telling me that they were talking to another friend who has known me since college, and that apparently, I have changed. (Confusing much?)
At first, I was like, I really haven’t changed. Maybe we always see ourselves as stagnant boring little creatures, who run on a hamster wheel, but actually, then I realized I have changed. I have changed a bunch. I have lived through so much since then, and grown, absorbed and stretched. And growth is always characterized as a positive thing (unless it’s a bad medical thing), but change often has a foreboding and negative connotation that looms over it. Sometimes, it means unknown.
If we aren’t changing, we aren’t growing. Albert Einstein once said that “the measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
I was reading a piece by the brilliant Benjamin P. Hardy, who asked, “What have been the main 10 events in your life, and what impact did they have on you?” (Something like that). I found this to be interesting. It’s so important to always be moving forward and never back.
Sometimes, it’s easier to see how others have changed. But, it’s worth pausing at times, and realizing how much we have changed. It’s also important to think of the ways in which we desire to change.
Next, it’s so important to remember that, as Mr. Hardy explains, we aren’t kind people who then do unkind things. No. Actually, whether we are kind people is determined in our actions. If we repeatedly do unkind and selfish things, guess what, we aren’t kind. We are what we do and how we behave. Sometimes, we deceive ourselves, and we think we are kind or tolerant or smart, yet our behaviors show the exact opposite.
It’s such a reminder that as we analyze who we are and who we want to be, we should not just be reflecting on our own lofty ideals that we may agree with but on our actual behavior. Our behavior is the thing that truly reflects what is in our character.
It’s one of those seasons where I feel I have my head down, and I am working on a bunch of stuff that is really important to me. It’s a season of setting up foundations. It doesn’t mean you adopt a workaholic around-the-clock lifestyle. No, even in these seasons, we need balance. My point is that sometimes we need those seasons because it means we are taking responsibility for our lives.
It’s so important to take responsibility for the life you want because at the end of the day, you are the only one responsible. If you want to establish a savings account, you need to save, and that may mean sacrifices. If you want to start a business, that may mean putting in extra hours, at first. If you want to get married, then make sure you have something to bring to the table.
So many times, people have a tendency to blame others for what is happening, when so many of their own choices have landed them there. It’s important to remember that others’ circumstances and resources are different than your own perhaps, and that each person is responsible not only for their present but for their future.
If you want certain things, you have to work for them. Because at the end of the day, a prince may will not ride in to save you, your parents won’t bail you out or help (nor do they have to), and no one will put in the hours for you.
If you want something, you work for it. If others don’t agree or they want certain things out of you that you simply can’t give at the moment, well, that’s too bad. So often, everyone lives as they please but they want everyone else to fit into their world and schedule and ideas as to how things should be done. Don’t be guilted into fitting into someone else’s agenda, even if there is nothing wrong with it, at face value. My point is work for what you want and do what you have to do. Everyone wants something, but you should also have what you want (and get it through hard work). So, work for it. You are the only one responsible to make it happen. It’s usually when we allow others to make decisions for us or make us fit into where we don’t want to be that we start blaming others. Sadly (and fortunately), it doesn’t work that way; you have a voice. It’s always your choice.
Which leads to…
It’s important to respect yourself and take care of yourself. Take it from someone who works in a field where people always need something out of you. Take time to do what you want to do. Take time to rest. Take time to eat, uninterrupted. Take time to walk outside. Key words: take the time.
Set concrete goals and work toward them. Invest in them. Recently, I have invested time and resources in the ministry Modern Witnesses. It continues to grow into a beautiful community, and its beautiful because of the women in it.
I am wrapping up a book, etc., etc. Everyone has a dream. I have a list, you have your own list. Set the bar high. Tell others (accountability). Set a deadline. Put in the work.
Always have the high expectation. People who tell you not to expect much set themselves up for mediocrity and lack of accountability. People don’t like being held accountable (look at politics and organizational leadership). But, ahhhh the things that would change were people held to high expectations. Some would lose their positions altogether.
Investing in your dreams is a way in which you invest in yourself. If you feel stagnant, what is something you could add into your life that would feed your creativity and contribute to what you give to the world?
Lastly, I always think that our purpose in life is to be reflections of God Himself. That means serving others. This isn’t a call to wildly fill up your schedule (refer back to ‘detachment and self-care’). It’s a call to always remember that “You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.” (John Wooden quote).
So that is what has been floating in this brain of mine. I know so many of you have written to me regarding dreams and business plans you have. I just wanted to share my own thoughts and how I have been growing in the past month. These aren’t things I have mastered, but they are things I want and need in my life. I am putting in the work. I truly believe that anything apart from that is dysfunction. As you get older, and start forming your world, it’s so important to make sure it’s the world and purpose God wants you focused on. And if it is, green light and go. He will empower you and continue teaching you along the way.
By: Gabriela Yareliz
Warm New York summer rain threatens my unspoken plan.
The rain is soft and glittery. It should be bottled up and sold as perfume.
It paints the sky grey and paints us wet.
In my search of the skyline for a perfect rooftop, I spot the flamingo tree. It’s sassy in its performance and color. Subtle, unassuming, with a hint of panache.
I pass Pig Beach, and fortunately for them, I am a vegetarian. A wedding dances on nearby, in a glowing room, with a couple of antisocial guests standing out in the rain. I can hear their silent prayers begging God to go unnoticed. As the guests plan their exit strategy—
I find a bathroom outside with a tree in a tub and a sink with some shrubs.
I pass a car that can take me to another time. It’s locked.
I find some fish whose time has expired. They are out in the open. I wonder if they were friends.
And then, as the sky turns orange, I find the view. There’s nothing like getting lost to find something better than what you were looking for.
As I wander, I find my little friends have found a rooftop of their own.
The rain over the city has gone, and now all that is left is the breeze over the Gowanus.
By: Gabriela Yareliz
Delilah. She loves people’s stories, and so do I. Stories are my drug, and she is my enabler. It has always been like that.
She gives sage advice, and sometimes, just a listening ear who comforts. For those of you who have been reading my writing for years, you have seen her mentioned in many a blog post. She became a regular on my “Reflections Before Bedtime”: (how we can learn from other people’s loss, tragedy and praying for others, when she played “I can dream about you,” when she made the list of things that make me, me; lonely nights dreaming of romance, when my childhood friend chose me to be maid of honor and Michael Bublé came on, and when God gives us wings to fly, to name a few…).
Today, I met Delilah. Yes, the radio queen. I am listening to Delilah, as I write this. My boyfriend and I heard she would be hosting Broadway in the Park, and we were freaking out. We had to meet her. At first, I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it because of my court schedule. But somehow, God worked it out. I finished my case early, and I was able to go. What a gift.
We spotted her, and there she was. She was talking to a young woman. She prayed for her, and told her to write to her. Personal, as always. Warm, as only she can be.
She was so sweet. I told her I have listened to her since I was a child. I remember being in the car (I spent a lot of time in a car, as a kid– we moved and traveled, a lot). I would look out at the dark road and listen to her. Anywhere I went, she was always a part of my life. I would listen to her on my commutes home from college. In law school, I would listen to her on the iHeart Radio app at 1 am, while I worked on my readings or clinic work. She has forever been my company. Living alone is difficult. Her voice has kept me company on more evenings than I can count. A trusted friend.
Now, my boyfriend listens to her as he drives. We often catch a call or two together. We laugh, smile, comment, and sometimes, we just sit in silence (while I quietly blink back tears).
Today, she signed a photo of her for us. I told her we had come to just see her, as the true nerd I am. (Who cares about Broadway? Just kidding.) She drew a sparkler on my hand and asked my boyfriend when that was coming. (Hilarious).
Delilah is a beautiful person because she inspires. She is a woman of faith who speaks light, life, love and hope. I am grateful that she has used her talent and soul to bless others, like me.
Thank you, Delilah for being such a beautiful and strong person.
But, before I end this, I should share why her show and who she is means so much to me. She has gone through so much, but she believes so strongly in God and in love.
I haven’t exactly seen the “ideal” when it comes to romantic love, in my life. I come from a broken home that has faced and overcome a lot of adversity. No matter what life threw my way, or how jaded, sometimes cynical or angry I would get at times, her show melted me. Those calls, they always fed this flame inside of me. What flame? The flame that told me that incredible, faithful and lasting love is real. Every time I heard those older people call in to talk about how they had been married for more than 40 years and were still so in love, I knew it was real.
A voice inside of me always said, that love is real. My hard heart would melt, and I would look out at the dark night, and think, “I want a love like that.”
It was special to meet this woman who kept that belief alive in me, with the man I love. Here is to hoping that someday, years from now, we will be the ones who call her show. We’ll talk about how we have been married for years and how we used to listen to her while we were dating. I’ll tell her about how God blessed me with this man, and I’ll tell her, “You were right, Delilah, the most magical thing we can do in this life is love someone.”
A lot of Christians out there say they have given up on the concept of the church. But what does that mean? They haven’t given up on the building and chairs. They are saying they have given up on people. People are flawed, and they will disappoint you. No matter what your personality type is, you have been created to be in community. You can’t be a follower of Jesus and not believe in the church that He gave His life for. He didn’t give up on us, therefore, we shouldn’t give up on each other.
Some people withdraw from others because they feel they have been rejected by the world, and they want to reject it back, to avoid the pain. But we are called to come together (as imperfect as we all may be) and to love. A man who has multiple women, one after the other, calls himself a good lover. But he is wrong. I have been married for 30 years to the same woman. I am a good lover. You see, love stays. Love goes deep.
Paraphrase from Erwin McManus, Message: Staying Power
Show up. Stay. Go deep.
By: Gabriela Yareliz
I just walked by a hot, steamy pile of trash this morning. If there is a perfect way to start a New York Monday, that’s it. On the bright side, I barely missed a pigeon dropping, right in front of me, and the train pulled right into the station, when I walked down the stairs.
New York. I have had a lot on my mind, lately. Just like this city, my mind doesn’t sleep. But this time, I have been thinking a lot about how many times we live life “on hold.”
You know, on hold, like when you are on the phone and that little music starts playing.
We think, “I won’t do X or use X until ____________” (fill in blank here; common answers include: until I move, until I get that job, until I get married, until X comes, until I have more money, until I graduate, etc.)
What is worse is some of these catalysts for action are completely out of our control and in the hands of others. You can’t control whether you will get that job, whether so-and-so will move in or out, whether he will ask you to marry him or whether she will say yes. I mean, all of that is in the hands of others.
Living your life on hold is a terrible thing, take it from someone who has fallen into that in the last couple of months. I get that some of it is circunstancial, or may come eventually (that famous phrase of “only time will tell”). But here is the thing, life doesn’t come with hold music. It’s a silent road. Putting life on hold doesn’t exist, which means we are left with nothing.
I don’t think we should live life on hold. If we do, we face perhaps never living life, at all. Those of us who are amenable and always trying to be orderly and not asking for too much sometimes fall in this rut of loss of control. And while there are many things in life we do not and should not control, there are still small elements of our lives within that, that we can control.
So, use that blender, decorate that apartment, go on that trip, apply to other jobs, and don’t forget to walk around your block and enjoy the present day within the seasons of waiting.
Your sentence needs to be whole and complete; no blanks. There may be clauses coming, but we all know that clauses are set off by commas, as they enhance the sentence.
Make sure that what you are waiting for is an enhancement and not half of the actual sentence, without which the sentence won’t make sense one bit.
Life was not meant to be lived on hold. That’s why, in these periods of waiting, there is no music.
Yesterday, I decided to buy that produce and make that meal. At first, there was a list of reasons why I didn’t want to make the meal, but I realized none of them were good enough. None of them had music. The essentials of the sentence were there, and that was all that mattered. It was delicious.
GABRIELA YARELIZ 